Theory, Reality, and Acceptable Risk, Part 2

Way back on June 14, I wrote about risk in adoption, particularly when the parent hopes to adopt a healthy child who is developmentally on target and does not present with significant "issues" overall:

"When signing up to adopt a healthy infant through international adoption, I wonder to what extent adoptive parents REALLY consciously consider the unknowns and say "yes" to those possibilities. You know, anything from attachment issues to genetic/organic developmental delays which might not be immediately apparent, to unknown biological family mental health histories which could surface in our children. I suppose anyone who has a child, no matter how that happens, is saying "yes" to some of those risks, and to others, and hopefully in a conscious way...

...In international adoption, things are complicated in part due to the possibility of very limited family and developmental history, and the inability to meet and interact with a child before adoption decisions are finalized..."

Having dipped a toe or two into the domestic public adoption world, things look different. Essentially every child profile contains at least an inkling of "issues" - whether due to trauma, pre-natal substance exposure, multiple caregivers, developmental and genetic conditions, or other factors. Unlike in international adoption, the "yes" parents say to various possibilities in public adoption is more direct, more intentional. Sure, in international adoption, parents specify openness to possible issues, but I am still thinking more here about the unknowns...the things that cannot be seen or predicted.

Perhaps it is empowering for parents to have this kind of background information about their child. It certainly forces a prospective parent to move beyond the hypothetical "yes", to making an active decision to consider various factors. And at the same time, I wonder if availability of choice also complicates things - causing us to over-think issues or let doubt creep in.

One of the big factors in many public adoption situations is the known, suspected, or unknown (meaning, it cannot be ruled out) use of substances, including alcohol, by the mother during pregnancy. Fetal alcohol-related disorders and symptoms certainly vary from child to child, but can be unpredictable. Long lists of possible difficulties are easily available. And, FASD cannot be ruled out in the early years, even if the child does not currently demonstrate any signs. I will admit that it all sounds a bit frightening.

And then...I consider how serious attachment difficulties, trauma-related behaviours, and other issues can also sound/be quite intense and overwhelming as well. But by signing up for international adoption, I have said "yes" to the possibility of any of these things.

Today, though, I am curious about FASD, mostly because it is something I haven't spent as much time contemplating and researching, having focused more on development, post-birth trauma, and attachment, among other topics. Is FASD more of a monster than developmental delay, trauma-related issues, attachment disorder, or other issues that might creep up unexpectedly? Is it something to say "no" to, even if the answer to the other possible issues is "yes"? And...if FASD seems to big or scary, then I suspect the "yes" to potential attachment and trauma issues should be re-evaluated, too. And I'm not saying it is too much, I'm just wanting to think it all through, and maybe hear some other thoughts.

I have always wanted to adopt. I believe that I realize many of the risks, but don't want those to stop me from experiencing the potential beauty as well. I don't believe we are meant to play it safe and protect ourselves from challenges in life...but I also know we need to be wise, recognizing our strengths, and also seeing where others may be better suited to the task at hand.

It's up for discussion, now, folks...

Thanks, Fall Fair, For Our Annual Self-Esteem Boost!

As always, the fall fair crept up on us - it's very sneaky.

Thankfully, we have a few things waiting around, finished or nearly finished.

Literally at the last moment, I realized I had way of entering some bags (none of the categories fit...until I realized that three appliqued bags could be a "hobby collection" using the same technique. Yay!).

We ended up submitting:

Joy - Bag collection
Joy - Necksessory (necklace) (see January 27, 2010 post, "In Stitches")
Geoff - Birdhouse
Geoff - Fox (see January 27, 2010 post, "In Stitches") (he also had enough items for a hobby collection, but we would have had to run to my sister's to steal a couple things he made for my niece, and there wasn't time)
Both of us - Photos of various descriptions



I think somebody must have been concerned we'd have it out if there was a prize imbalance between the two of us. We came home with two, first-place ribbons each!

Geoff won for both his fox and birdhouse, and I for my bag collection and marsh photo (See June 26, 2010 post, "Backpacking on the Bay").

When we were dropping off the entries, it appared Geoff had some stiff competition in the garden decor category, and we didn't see many other entries, so weren't sure what else was being judged until after it was done.



I have received a few second-place ribbons and a third or two in the past, for photos and hand-crafts (a cross-stitch sampler which was also a last-minute entry). Geoff has been cleaning up with firsts for his birdhouses the past couple of years.


I used to work with two folks who happen to be on the fair committee (a bit strange, as we border a decent-sized city, and I worked in the city, and this is a large country fair, but not the city fair - although there is one of those, too).

Anyway, I started out submitting photos, for fun, since I take so many of them. (Basically, it gave me lots of excuses to take even MORE pictures. Ok, if you insist)! Then I entered in handwork, and once Geoff started building birdhouses, I encouraged him to enter as well.

I am thinking the time will soon come when we will be competing in the same categories. It's pretty much inevitable. If anyone has great (subtle) sabotage ideas, just let me know.


So, a good time was had by all. I did notice that the best of show photo, and a number of handwork entries, were submitted by someone we know from church youth group, back in the day. And I was up against one of my former colleagues in the hobby collection category for the first time. Just how a country fair should be - just like the old days, neighbour against neighbour!

Now to start researching livestock options to bump it up a notch for next year...

Leaky

Geoff and I seem to be a bit lacking in observation skills (and what comes after making observations...like knowing when to investigate further and perhaps involve someone else).

Last Thursday we arrived home and noticed a shiny, wet spot in the road (a local highway) in front of our house. Odd. Must be some sort of oily substance which spilled from a passing vehicle or trailer.

Then Sunday there was a big wet area on the road. Odd. But it rained earlier, so must be some sort of low spot.

Then today, still a big wet spot. But no rain. Huh. Whatever, then. Off to see a client.

And apparently I work with water so little (and our water pressure is so poor to start with) that I failed to notice a drop in water pressure. And would likely not have had the wherewithal to link reduced water pressure with wet spot on road. But hopefully I would have. But maybe not.

Then this afternoon there was a water company vehicle in front of my house. And then a utility locator vehicle across the road, putting up little yellow and orange marker flags. Then the hydro truck in my driveway. Hmm...

So, I mustered up a miniscule bit of confidence, grabbed a watering can and headed to the front yard - to make it appear as though I was just out front to water the mums...oh, hello utility locator, had no idea you were here in my front yard...I'm just out watering the mums, as you can clearly see...but since I'm out here, and you're out here...I may as well inquire - looks like some kind of work about to be done?

Well yes, as a matter of fact, there seems to be a water line leak, which will require the road (and some of my front lawn, and the sidewalk) to be dug up. The utility locator man said he figured we must not have any water to the house. But we do (because I likely would have called somebody about that). And then I mentioned something about noticing the spot yesterday (Sunday)...and he said, "Oh, so it was there yesterday, too?" So I didn't mention that it had actually been there since at least Thursday (and that we had just been making up various explanations to satisfy ourselves about this mystery).

Later, the nice water company man came to the door with a notice that water will be shut off tomorrow for about 8 hours, off and on. Hoping I remember to fill the tub tonight for an emergency toilet-flushing and hand-washing supply. And that I remember to shower bright and early. At least I'm on the road a bit for work tomorrow, and will likely avoid most of the construction and lack of water....

Seems the water main across the road looks ok, and that our own personal water line coming off the main is to blame. The water man wondered if we had noticed reduced water pressure. But, as I said, my powers of observation are a bit weak. My brother, however, has noticed it, but has not said anything. The water man commented that this has likely been deteriorating for a long time. Over 10 years, maybe? - because that would be good...it has always been just a little unsatisfying to shower in our house, and we kept blaming things along the lines of old houses and inefficient/odd plumbing networks, etc., etc. I guess we will soon find out.

And this may be the most completely non-adoption-related post ever. But that is to your benefit, since water leaks are way more interesting and eventful than our adoption situation at the moment.

If I Do Say So Myself...

What you see pictured is our (meaning, Geoff's) first ever attempt at making Ethiopian food (with the help of The Recipe of Love: An Ethiopian Cookbook by Aster Ketsela Belayneh) - we tried split pea, cabbage/carrot/potatoe, and meat dishes (ran out of time to do up a kale recipe, but will try it another time). We cheated with the injera - using a recipe I found at rowanfamilytree.wordpress.com (January 13, 2008) - finding this recipe was my contribution to the process! The use of a cheater recipe is partly because the whole Ethiopian cooking adventure was kind of spontaneous, and we didn't have the ingredients or time available to make our very own fermented and more authentic version (for sure, that's a goal for another time).

So...we are pretty pleased with the outcome (I dare say I was pleasantly surprised that things turned out as well as they did). The look and texture were completely consistent with the real thing, and the flavours were all quite pleasing. The cheater injera had good texture, although the first few turned out a bit thick. Now that we are used to the sourness of the authentic stuff, we missed that, although this particular recipe is likely a good way to introduce Ethiopian food to those who may be a bit apprehensive or conservative in their tastes.

We plan to try freezing a few of the leftovers to see how that works, and if it does, will make larger batches in future since it's a bit time-intensive to make up a number of dishes all at once (Geoff worked on this over two evenings) - cooking up multiple dishes also uses quite a few pots and bowls!

I am very glad that my frequent cravings for Ethiopian can now be satisfied both at home and at our local Ethiopian restaurants - options, options. So lovely. Just wanted to share our experience - and encouraged you to give it a whirl if you haven't yet!

Who Do You Write Like?

So, I stumbled upon (using www.stumbleupon.com) the following site:

http://iwl.me/

Apparently the site does an analysis of some sample text you provide, and then spits out which known author's writing style is a match.

I entered two different blog posts, which I considered to be quite different in terms of tone and style, and both times I was matched with H.P. Lovecraft. And well, I am curious to read some of his work now. Which sounds very...unusual: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H._P._Lovecraft

So folks, I am interested in hearing who you write like! (Partly in case the program simply spits out Lovecraft for everyone, and partly just out of general curiosity). Happy analyzing...

No Idea

I could have written this post a year ago (minus a few added details and experiences/complications). Meaning that, after lots more thinking, learning, doing, waiting...we're pretty much (stuck) in the same spot/rut.

I believe I have stated previously that our adoption process started off with a (good) bang: found an agency following years of casually browsing the adoption options and putting off the whole having a family thing, started our homestudy (this burst of initiative came after realizing that there was no reason to do adoption "second", since adoption was for sure something we wanted to do...while there was always some uncertainty about taking the plunge when it came to bio kids), and then were excited to see our agency open a country program which seemed even more perfect for us than the one we had initially planned on joining.

The way things started to unfold, along with some other really neat events (like randomly starting an Africa Bag sewing blitz on a dull long weekend, then selling 60 bags to Facebook friends within one week after posting the bag photo album, plus a generous donation or two), very much affirmed the direction we (thought we) were heading. Even after some set-backs, certain things, like my opportunity to take severance from my full-time job and begin a very flexible EI-insured (yay, parental leave) part-time job (with time to adapt before becoming a parent), finally finishing my master's degree, some good-looking future changes to Geoff's job, etc., seemed remarkably consistent with our goals/plans/projected hypothetical time-frames/laughable assumptions.

But of course, along the way, the country program we chose closed.

So we signed up for another one through the same agency. Then that program started showing warning signs of closure (ok, more than that - it was all but finished).

Then the agency went bankrupt.

Then we felt pretty disconnected from any sense of what to do.

Then we signed a new retainer with Imagine for Ethiopia, because it seemed like the most viable option, and we had a pre-existing interest in the Ethiopia program from early in our adoption adventure, and for some other reasons which make the program and country appealing.

Then we realized (and Imagine confirmed) that sibling referrals were few and far between, and that our age range was way too restrictive (which is ok, since we were planning to change that anyway and had not started our homestudy update).

Then we decided to "check out" public adoption by attending a provincial event profiling children available...especially since we had become comfortable considering a much broader age range.

Then we had a match (which also had lots of possible "signs" this was potentially "meant to be" - and it was practically an international adoption from Africa right here in our own province)!

Then we spent the summer doing pre-placement visits (got as far as setting a placement date) and homestudy updates and private PRIDE training (apparently that is necessary for public adoption even though we started the homestudy in 2007, before it was required for international or private adoptions). (At the same time, Geoff was given his expected promotion...with an unexpected pay reduction - how does that fit with our stay-at-home, possible home-schooling dreams and values???).

Then we surprised ourselves and everyone else by deciding not to proceed with our matched child/ren...just after, of course, doing church and family events and introductions all 'round (long story there, but I will briefly say that we have experienced a bit of the all-too-familiar scenario where if certain questions we asked early on had been answered in full and...accurately...we could likely have saved everyone lots of time, $$, and other inconvenience/disappointment/frustration). Anyway...

So, now we have a homestudy update and are approved for the public adoption system in Ontario.

And we have a file with Imagine for Ethiopia (not updated, and would need another homestudy update for that).

And our Ethiopia travel account/additional agency fees fund is pretty much drained...on top of the $$ not recoverable from the bankruptcy (who knew public adoption could be so expensive, even though it's free?).

(And...I'll just whisper this, because it's not a super-huge thing...but still...our little adoption experience this summer makes me more aware, I suppose, of some potential realities. This whole thing is a bit scarier now. I still believe in it. But it's a bit scary.)

And we have no idea what we're doing. Our CAS worker would like to meet and chat about our thoughts and plans. I'm not sure we have many. I haven't ruled out Ethiopia at all (in fact, that would be fantastic even if we adopt publicly first). And some sibling referrals this summer (actually...see...siblings...that is one thing we are still pretty sure about) were encouraging.

There you have it. And I am pretty sure I could be stuck with no idea indefinitely. Things that can seem like arrows pointing one way, or affirming one thing, can turn out NOT to be anything at all (or at least, not what they seemed to be). I'm back to my usual not knowing whether waiting and doing nothing is the wise choice - just letting things "happen" (if/when they do), or whether acting in small doses, with careful consideration, is necessary and right. If I am pursuing/hacking away at a path of my own making, then I want to be re-directed. But I am not certain how to pick up on direction/re-direction, and don't want to miss out because I wasn't paying attention or doing something I needed to be doing.

Anyway, this is not really a sob story. Picture me more with a question mark (big one) over my head, and a quizzical look on my face. I know that to so, so many of you, this is a very familiar (and maybe only mildly difficult) trajectory. I continue to be thankful for the (mostly electronic) adoption connections with others living their own stories. I root for you all. And, like reading a gripping novel, I eagerly anticipate learning how things unfold...for all of us.

Vacation Re-Cap

So, two weeks ago we were anticipating the beginning of vacation. I think it actually happened...but wow, 10 days passes quickly.

We got off to a rough start. Some unexpected changes in plans within the two weeks leading up to vacation left us without a clear idea of what to do with ourselves. We didn't have a pet-sitter for the last weekend of August, so we happily drove up to the trailer, thinking we would stay for 5 nights or so. Well, ridiculous temperatures forced us home after 3 nights. It just doesn't seem right sitting inside a trailer (thankfully, it has air conditioning) to avoid the heat, on otherwise sunny days.

Once home, we were indecisive. We had been thinking of heading toToronto for at least a day or two, having wanted to get to Canada's Wonderland since last year (a plan foiled by last summer's vertebral fracture). But the temperature there was going to be HOTTER than what we were trying to escape. Our long weekend plans involved heading to Lion's Head with friends (thanks to her parents' generosity and lovely living location with views of Georgian Bay). For Geoff in particular, getting away for a few days promises a better chance of having a real break from the everyday. So...eventually we decided to head to the metropolis of Owen Sound. From there, we would be near our Labour Day weekend destination, and without doing much planning we figured there would be a bit of shopping, lots of nature, and some recreational biking opportunities.

It worked out well. During our 3-night stay, we managed a bike-based tour of historical landmarks in the city (I found information on the 'underground railroad' particularly interesting). We also biked out to Inglis Falls (a little bit of work in the heat which followed us - albeit much better than what we were experiencing closer to home - on a cruiser bike...although my back and behind were super-comfy). On Day 2 we decided to start out on the Tom Thompson trail - a cross-country gravel bike/walking path running from Owen Sound to Meaford. We figured that 45km one way was a bit much to contemplate (seeing as we are not in the habit of distance biking, and would have had to get back again the same day), but agreed to turn around at some point. So, we started out. And my quads were toast. We switched bikes (Geoff looked quite cute on my cruiser with his bright yellow mountain biking helmet), and I took advantage of the power positioning on his mountain bike to get a lot further. But it was lots of work for both of us, and we turned back after 10km. Only to realize that we had been on a nearly-invisible incline the whole way. We flew back to Owen Sound in the blink of an eye, wishing we had pushed ourselves further. But we managed to spend a few more hours out enjoying trails around the sound, and having a picnic-ish lunch just as rain began. So all in all, not too bad.

Day 3 involved browsing the downtown shops and meandering up to Tobermory, where we did more browsing and had supper before heading to Lion's Head. Lots of chill and rain over the long weekend, but our accommodations were cozy, time spent with friends was a pleasure, and there were enough breaks in the rain to get outside. And I finished off my October book club pick, so that was just fine by me!

Sunset

August 21, 2010

The end of an interlude

Lingering on the moment

Before awaiting sunrise

Now This Looks Interesting...

Here's my book club pick for October, (and hey, if anyone wants to join in a cyber-club of sorts, perhaps I will start some discussion on it in October through this blog...just a thought).

Couldn't resist the whole Burma/Karen refugee theme, and the quirky descriptions of it. We shall soon see if it was a worthy choice:

Saving Fish from Drowning by Amy Tan

http://www.amazon.ca/Saving-Fish-Drowning-Amy-Tan/dp/0399153012/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1281723853&sr=8-2

(But first I should likely work on the September book, The Elegance of the Hedgehog)

Who is the Lucky Secret Pal?

Better late than never, I hope!

Never fear, Secret Pal, this little messenger bag is on its way to you at last:




I am pretty sure the sewing machine has not seen the light of day since just before our Thailand trip in March. So, so sad. The house has been in upheaval, and I have not had a sewing spot for months. Now that the front porch winterization and set-up is nearly complete, I am anticipating the joy of having a dedicated crafting space!


I really enjoy sewing, and while getting out a bunch of "stuff" to whip this bag up seemed daunting at first, things came together quite smoothly in the end. And it was refreshing to work on the project, and get it all finished up - the same cannot surely be said about most of the other things I have on the go at the moment.

Ahh.

Oh Sure, I Have Better Things to Do, But...

...instead of doing something better, tonight I am posting about listening to oneself on video.

Because that is as deep as I can get right now. Ya know, just under an hour ago, I received an email about a meeting I was supposed to show up for tonight, which had already ended.

That pretty much sums up my brain function right about now.

So, listening to oneself on video. Always an interesting little exercise. While I have long been aware that my voice sounds unlike the voice I hear when I speak, tonight I was realizing that this woman, whoever she is, sounds pretty darned Canadian, or more like, Kin-ae-dien...eh...

And while this post would be worth a lot more (and perhaps even mildly interesting) if I actually posted the video clip, it seems I lack the skill necessary to do so. So you will just have to take my word for it.

You will also have to do without my intended words of farewell for the evening, because they involved certain forms of punctuation, and earlier my computer did the thing it does sometimes (which might be an accidental key hit on my part, but which I have never figured out), and is inserting letters with French accents instead of apostrophes and brackets and whatnot. Not about to re-start the laptop just to fix that little glitch at this time of night. So, good night.

Has Anyone Read This? Looks Interesting!

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

http://www.amazon.ca/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0676974724

From Publisher's Weekly:

Like countless other parents, Canadian doctors Neufeld and Maté woke up one day to find that their children had become secretive and unreachable. Pining for time with friends, they recoiled or grew hostile around adults. Why? The problem, Neufeld and co-writer Maté suggest, lies in a long-established, though questionable, belief that the earliest possible mastery of the rules of social acceptance leads to success. In a society that values its economy over culture, the book states, the building of strong adult/child attachments gets lost in the shuffle. Multiple play dates, day care, preschool and after school activities groom children to transfer their attachment needs from adults to their peers. They become what the authors call "peer oriented." The result is that they squelch their individuality, curiosity and intelligence to become part of a group whose members attend school less to learn than to socialize. And these same children are bullying, shunning and murdering each other, as well as committing suicide, at increasing rates. The authors' meticulous exploration of the problem can be profoundly troubling. However, their candidness and exposition lead to numerous solutions for reestablishing a caring adult hierarchy. Beautifully written, this terrific, poignant book is already a bestseller in Canada.

Backpacking on the Bay

Hard to believe I've already been home for a full week since the now-annual 3-day girls' backpacking on the Bruce Trail adventure. We had the absolute most perfect weather EVER this year - could literally not ask for anything better. Warm (but not hot) during the day, with a consistent breeze - wonder of wonders. And no rain. Makes such a difference - so much less sweat-dripping, head-pounding suffocation while struggling along with 35 pounds on the back during hot and humid conditions! I had my very own brand new tent this year, which worked out very well (bought the extra-long version of the REI Half Dome 2 - the 2 "Plus" - so that I can sleep with my feet on the sleeping pad rather than on my pack. No particular misadventures - other than a seagull yanking my pepperoni stick from my hand and then saucily devouring it right in front of me. I now have an arch-enemy with amazing super-powers. All I could do was try to stare him down so he didn't steal something else.



Gorgeous sunsets and great views from the rocky beaches where we camped along the way:


At some point during the hike I invariably wonder what on earth I was thinking, doing this thing I detest so completely. And then I usually recover a bit (well, except for year two. That was tough all the way along), re-group, and continue on. Felt so good the third day, I could have gone a little further. But getting the pack off and rinsing off in the lake which greeted us was nice, too!



Been a BUSY week since the hike. We are presenting on our Thailand trip at church tomorrow, and I spent many, many, many hours choosing and inputting over 200 photos into Powerpoint. We are desperate to organize things at home a bit. After breaking a vertebrae part-way through last summer, changing jobs a year ago, and then having septic "renovations" this year, the yard, gardens, and house are in some chaos. I thought working half time would mean lots of accomplishment at home...but so far I keep spending those days off preparing for trips and presentations, cleaning, "researching" and taking care of personal business, socializing, etc. It's also time for that home study update we've been postponing since choosing Ethiopia. Not going to get any further with this adoption business with an outdated dossier and homestudy. Still trying to come up with a final and concrete decision around our age and sibling request, but I think we're getting there. Will be nice to have things settled again for a while (as settled as it gets in adoption, anyway).

Theory, Reality, and Acceptable Risk

Having some deep thoughts here.

When signing up to adopt a healthy infant through international adoption, I wonder to what extent adoptive parents REALLY consciously consider the unknowns and say "yes" to those possibilities. You know, anything from attachment issues to genetic/organic developmental delays which might not be immediately apparent, to unknown biological family mental health histories which could surface in our children. I suppose anyone who has a child, no matter how that happens, is saying "yes" to some of those risks, and to others, and hopefully in a conscious way. Generally, is it that we hope for the best, and figure we will cope with the worst if it happens? I suspect that it is really difficult to dig deeply into ourselves in regard to these issues and questions when everything is so hypothetical - "if" and "when" we eventually adopt we will "hopefully" and "most likely" have a healthy child, with no major surprises. At some level we (meaning we adoptive parents) must know that we could eventually be living with some pretty serious stuff, or at least some stuff we had not ever pictured ourselves living.

In international adoption, things are complicated in part due to the possibility of very limited family and developmental history, and the inability to meet and interact with a child before adoption decisions are finalized. And, so far we have said "yes" to all that. All those unknowns. And maybe it is somehow comforting to know that "what will be will be" - We signed up, but after that, the matching - with the little person or people who end up becoming our children - is out of our hands. We can only trust that an appropriate match is made based on the information available.

But what about when something shows up in a referral (or domestically, as more information is gathered about a proposed child, or one identified through a photolisting) that is a little (or a lot) outside of our initial scope, based on what we felt comfortable with, or how we pictured our child?

How do parents decide their "actual" limit when faced with a scenario involving a specific child - one whose face and identity are known, and who has been identified as a possible match? What then?

I really do believe that to adopt, parents must recognize and be OK with unknowns, and with various issues that reflect where our children have come from so far. But that's relatively easy to do in theory. Reality, however, may be different. In theory, to say that your child "could" end up with a lifelong developmental disability, or conduct issues, or a mental illness - that is one thing. When something is flagged with a specific child, that gets complicated. What if the child has lots of qualities and characteristics you like, but also presents with an issue you really never would have actively sought? Does that automatically mean the opportunity should be passed over? I doubt it...but I am sure that deciding where your limits actually lie could be a pretty tricky thing.

On one hand, stretching original boundaries could be totally appropriate, if you spend time working through thoughts and feelings, and any tweaking of your concept of child and parent, family and future, and realize that you are comfortable moving forward. In life, I fully believe that we sometimes need a bit of a push outside our self-imposed limits to experience things we would never have chosen on our own.

On the other hand, you are still making a theoretical decision. You have no way of knowing how you will actually feel, or what life will actually be like, if you move forward with this child. You don't want to end up resenting that you stretched your original boundaries. You don't want to be caught up in a moment, perhaps not wanting to let this match go because there are things that seem good or appealing about the child, or because you don't want to say "no" and let others down, or because you feel selfish saying that you really don't want to take on this unexpected issue (it's not you, dear child, it's me, the self-centred adult that I am who wants a "perfect" son or daughter according to my pre-conceived definition), or because you have some idea that this is your "chance" to become a family, and don't want to let it go.

When the illusion of the ideal child fades in the light of reality - even if that reality is still just on paper - and you realize this is a real child with real issues, how do you discern which issues are OK, and which are legitimate reasons to close the door and move on? You don't have to say "yes" when theory becomes reality. But you don't want to say "no" flippantly, either. What if that controlling, instigating behaviour isn't at the core of a child otherwise described as kind and polite and thoughtful, and can be overcome? But what if it is...what if it is so rooted that there will be more and bigger issues...? What if the developmental delays are life-long, and will impact education and career planning...but what if they're not? What if you say "no" to a wonderful child who would do really well in your family, or "yes" to a child whose troubles overshadow them and your family in painful and difficult ways? What is acceptable risk, and how do parents make that call?

Over to you...

Pick Me!

One of the things I hadn't really thought about, having gone the route of international adoption, is the whole idea in domestic situations (including at least some public adoption scenarios), of the "Profile" - which it looks like we will need to be doing if we step further into this new territory.

I think it's much less stressful to let others write homestudies and reference letters, trusting they've done their best to paint a truthful, compelling picture of us, than to come up with something ourselves. So much pressure! Thinking that the photos and words we choose can directly impact someone's decision to consider us or not! Makes me feel a bit queasy. Even more queasy than the thought of social workers meeting my two, barking hounds at the door. "Really, they're friendly...look at all these pictures of them resting quietly and hanging out with people"

One thing I liked about sticking with the same international adoption program and process was that the uncomfortable stuff - meetings, visits, etc. - was all over. All except the outdated medical forms, which need to be re-done no matter what, which are on the agenda for next week. Guess 'tis the price to be paid for expanding opportunities.

Now, I'm off to sift through hundreds of photos for just the right ones (you know, enough variety to tell a story, but not an overwhelming amount), and come up with the right blend of sincere (but not sappy), enthusiastic (yet not alarmingly so), creative (but balanced...not misleading..."look at all those daily fun adventures!..."), engaging (but not pushy...just trying to be ourselves...but not boring either), comprehensive (but also concise...not my forte), inspired written content to go along with the pictures. But first, an energizing snack, and maybe a nap.