The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet - Frederick Buechner
Saturday, 4 June 2011
And So It Begins
Altogether, things have been going very well, and there really isn't much to complain about. Displays of homesickness from the eldest have actually decreased substantially compared with time spent at hotels and the cottage in their home area. Baby girl has had 4 reasonable nights of sleep here (two of them excellent - sleeping right through the night for 12 hours). The boys have slept soundly, as has been their pattern.
Little brother has been experimenting repetitively with "Mom/Mommy" and "Dad/Daddy". The eldest will use "Silly/Funny Mommy" & "Silly/Funny Daddy" when we're joking around, but is otherwise mostly sticking to our first names for now. Baby girl clearly prefers me. She is happy with Geoff when I'm not in sight, but fusses & reaches for me if I come into view. She very predictably prefers to be held and carried approaching sleep/meal-times in late morning and late afternoon. She turned her face toward my shoulder and tucked her arms in when our social worker reached out for her to see what she would do. She will smile and wave to others during visits, but sticks pretty close to me, and isn't quite as chatty "publicly" as she is when it's just our little family around. I would guess her "attachment" to me at this point may still be a bit insecure, but overall we're happy with what we're seeing. Little brother likes to snuggle a bit and be held (cue Baby girl becoming jealous), and enjoys playing "baby", having me put him in the crib for a rest (during which he closes his eyes and curls up tight). He has asked for a bottle, so we will likely try that for some role-play. The eldest is very physical in his play (rough, too - I've had a couple of wrenched neck incidents and a few bruises), so not as sentimental and overtly cuddly, but requests lots of play-based touch and makes great eye contact when doing so.
We have had some short-ish visits with grandparents, my sister & her girls, and inadvertently with a friend we ran into in the community. The eldest has picked one adult during each visit to which he clings (literally and figuratively), leaning on them/hugging them, asking for them to help him with things (even feeding), and generally being quite demonstrative and dramatic. So, we will definitely have to be very careful about physical boundaries with non-parents and continue lying low for a bit, as well as doing some teaching regarding social boundaries. This is an interesting and tricky situation to analyze. Certainly he is in the early stages of developing his attachment with Geoff and I, and has much further to go. He also appears to be a very extroverted boy - the type of child who might tend to be very excited about new people, and who likes to be the centre of attention (which fits with all the descriptions we have of him). As well, he has spent his entire life in a large, loving family, with multiple teens/young adults around, who all help with caregiving, and with lots of friends and extended family visiting regularly - so he is quite used to meeting people, and having special attention from visitors.
At home, all three are playful and seek out lots of interaction. The boys love new activities and a varied schedule. Baby girl is generally happy to putter around (preferably while carrying around things like glass measuring cups, remote controls, and other non-baby-friendly items). Both Geoff and I are quite tired of "Why???" questions already, and repeated requests/demands for information about meal-times, daily agendas, activities, etc. Much is likely typical older toddler/pre-school stuff, some appears to be temperament & personality, and of course, some could be attributed to learning new routines and rules, establishing who is in charge, etc. It is quite interesting being planted directly into developmental stages where constant explaining, cueing, re-directing, mediating, tantrum-managing, supervising, etc., are required. Baby girl climbs EVERYTHING, so needs to be in sight (and almost at arms length) at all times. The boys are not quite playing for any length of time with any one toy or activity, or doing so independently, at this point. They seem to enjoy each other, but do have quite a few scuffles throughout the day - sharing, negotiating, and thinking of anyone else are definitely not their most finely honed skills and attributes yet.
I am not experiencing panic or a "flight" response as I half-expected, so am very thankful. At the same time, when others talk about how "exciting" this is, I can't say that's the primary feeling I'm experiencing. Sure, it is wonderful in the grand scheme...but I have most certainly not entirely come to terms with a forever farewell to the simple couple-only life we have just left in the dust! The hardest time of day is morning - can hardly fathom how I might ever reach the stage where I welcome those smiling (noisy) faces greeting me far before I am ready to interact with the world. The kids actually sleep to a reasonable time, but even then, I despise all sound and interaction until I am fully alert, showered, dressed, fed, and finished whatever quiet activty (usually internet-based) I have used to tune in to the day. So...when Geoff heads back to work next week, I am dreading the early mornings that will face me if I am to get up & shower while he's home to supervise any early risers, and then the immediate barrage of activity *shudder* when I emerge from my cocoon. So far, I've taken every possible opportunity to have Geoff get up with the kids while I catch a few more winks (until Baby girl started sleeping better, I had good excuses, like less than 6 hours' sleep), shower, and prepare myself to meet the day. Alas, unless someone wants to assist by funding a morning nanny, I don't see any way around this issue.
Anyway, as my precious evening time is passing quickly, I will finish for now. I have been thinking of how to refer to the children on this blog, and have decided to go with their new second names, given by Geoff and I.
Older brother will be Luton (Geoff's grandfather's middle name).
Little brother will be Kitch (for Joy's grandfather, Kitchener).
Baby girl will be an as-yet-undecided diminutive of Catherine (Joy's first name).
Hoping I will be somewhat reliable in documenting our adventures over the next little while. I don't journal (despite trying off and on at various points in my life), so this serves as at least some way of keeping a record for my own future reference), and I have always found it interesting and helpful to continue reading others' adoption experiences after placement. We shall see how it goes!
Monday, 16 May 2011
Family of Five!
So, to back up a bit…
After stalling on updating our homestudy and dossier for Ethiopia, concerned about a very long wait for siblings, and reflecting on our adoption “philosophy” in regard to our personal situation, we thought it was time to explore public domestic adoption.
To summarize, we had a couple of other bumps and changes of course traveling this new path, and at the same time experienced an amazing sense of movement and opportunity (and ability to be active in the process) that had not been present while waiting and responding to system changes in international adoption.
I think in part because of all the dead ends and closed doors, I haven’t really posted about our public adoption decision, not knowing where it would lead. Currently, I am still working on believing that this is actually happening, and that in two weeks the hope and goal is to sign placement paperwork!
We have had to hold our breath a few times along the way to the three lovely children we have been getting to know over the past 6 weeks. We attended a provincial event in spring and fall 2010, where public child protection agencies from around the province can come and present children available for adoption. At the fall event, we couldn’t help noticing a sibling group of two toddler boys, and a baby girl – the only children presented by that particular agency. After reviewing the brief profile available at the event, and watching a little video, we opted to formally “express interest” and see whether the children’s agency contacted our agency to obtain a copy of our homestudy for review.
Sure enough, the homestudy was requested, we were given more information, and the mutual decision-making process continued over the next nearly 6 weeks, until just before Christmas. At this point, we completed a final interview, and were sadly informed that the only other family still being considered had been selected.
Sorely disappointed, we turned our focus toward working exclusively with our local agency over the next while, as our worker was optimistic we would be matched quickly. Within three weeks after being officially added to the matching pool, we had a call. We spent another three weeks having meetings and gathering information, and decided not to proceed with this match. We were a bit concerned that we would end up turning down all sorts of matches, knowing that the three we had been considered for in the fall had “spoiled” us in terms of what we were hoping for.
After declining the local match, and being told about some other sibling groups of 3-4 children (which was very exciting to me – I have always secretly, and maybe not-so-secretly, had fleeting thoughts of a larger sibling group, all at once), we were informed that the agency for the children we had wanted to adopt in the fall had been in touch with our local agency, to find out if we were still available. We were asked if we wanted to find out more – and, well, YES, we did!
After another round of information-sharing and gathering, we had another interview, and were again absolutely wanting to be selected. Five very long days after the interview, we got the call! The next day, hardly believing what was happening, we hit the road to spent the weekend in the children’s area, to meet them and confirm our decision.
And it’s been a whirlwind of activity since then (I will not even try to describe the magnitude of the preparations – but there has been no rest for the weary around here lately). We have spent three more weekends, during two of which the children stayed in a hotel with us the whole time. I was away at a conference another weekend, and so we have had just the two past weekends to scramble, getting the house prepared at least in a basic way, and trying to grasp our new reality!
In nearly two weeks, we plan to head home, and the children with come with their current caregivers. The children will stay with us over the weekend, while the caregivers stay in the area. And…depending on how things have gone to date, we may have placement at the end of the month. Wow.
No time to get into all the thoughts and questions bubbling away. I’ve felt too busy to savour this time of transition, and we are just diving right in. One benefit of the busyness lately, is that we are both looking forward to starting this new family life, and moving on.
Oh, just a tiny bit about the kids (this likely won’t be the place for sharing too many details):
Our boys are toddlers:
The eldest is funny, imaginative, intense in both joyful and not-so-joyful emotion. Protective of his siblings, and loyal to the only family he has ever known (yet able to dive in and enjoy his time with us so far).
The little guy loves to imitate his brother, and is generally a pretty laid back, “go with the flow” kind of kid. A bit quieter socially, but busy, busy, busy climbing and inquiring about the world around him. Had a nurturing side, and enjoys being carried and held on your lap.
Baby sister is 1. She has a ready smile and uses her few words freely. Very curious and active, but open to lots of holding as well. Oh…and she growls…which is just about the best baby feature ever, don’t you think?
And that’s the story.
And now I really need to finish packing...
Friday, 13 May 2011
Holding Out
So, yep, we've had lots going on. And it's time to write about it...almost. But right now, I'm just about finished lunch, and have a chaotic house to organize in the next two days...so I'll try to process some thoughts into written form in the next day or two for you...stay tuned :)
Friday, 14 May 2010
Siblings
I suppose, in all the "not knowing what to do" of recent days, that the one thing we are perhaps doing, which needed/needs to be done, is sitting still and waiting. I have been feeling that doing the paperwork for the country switch was not yet necessary (despite also fearing that I would let a decade go by without doing anything...and watching my life pass by in blandness for lack of action). Today we received an email from our agency outlining the pattern of sibling referrals since restructuring, and providing a bit of history regarding sibling referrals pre-bankruptcy. The numbers are not encouraging.
This means we need to consider a few things - like whether we will continue to request siblings (which we really want to do), whether we want to increase our age request (which we have been considering very seriously - not just in response to a slow wait, which would be a poor motivation for making such a change), whether there are certain "special needs" with which we are comfortable (sometimes medical conditions which can be easily managed or corrected here), and so on.
The agency cannot predict or explain referral trends in regard to child referrals, but the pattern in their experience with the Ethiopia program has been very few available siblings, particularly babies and young toddlers.
If this had been a complete surprise, I would likely be more troubled right now. As it is, we have been watching nothing happen in regard to sibling referrals, and have been wondering what our adoption process will look like, so it is simply confirmation that there is a bit of an issue.
Good thing I'm already wearing my thinking cap.
Monday, 26 April 2010
Unknowns...
If you would pray, I would invite that...I am again sensing the conflict we have experienced since early in our adoption process, between what we believe is such an important direction for us to head, and factors which could make that impossible. The pattern is striking, and makes me think of another blogger's recent post that movement toward the individual and familial restoration achieved through adoption often appears to be actively blocked by forces (human and supernatural?) in opposition.
Sunday, 18 April 2010
Uh...?
Not much to say, but here is an orchid from the Singapore Airport (a destination in and of itself).
No adoption news, for sure. Our file is still with Imagine, for Ethiopia. We have not started updating paperwork for the official country switch yet (from Ghana to Ethiopia). Partly because travel to Thailand occupied most of our attention the first few months of the year, and partly because we foresee a long wait, so may as well procrastinate a bit so the updated homestudy is current as long as possible once it is finally re-done. Medicals and fingerprints have expired at this point, too. With a long wait ahead for Ethiopia, we are thinking...but not sure what we're thinking about. Age requests? Saving up for an extra trip, now that two trips will be required? Isn't there something productive we can do in the meantime (other than re-doing our septic bed...boring, but necessary)?
Generally feeling a bit aimless. Thailand was great, and we want to keep the spirit of that trip alive through our involvement with the Karen people in our area and beyond...but not totally sure how. The house feels like it has taken over our lives sometimes - one minute we think there's not much left to do, the next we are staring at puddles in the yard (septic issue), windows about to fall in (sagging front porch pillar issue...not new, but previously not affecting the windows), windows in general, lame attempts at landscaping which need professional intervention (caused by me, pretty much), areas of major disorganization (cellar and storage garage)...it is a lot.
Looking forward to camping season starting May 1, but already have major scheduling conflicts with important events on the first two camping weekends we had planned at our trailer.
Keep feeling like taking a course of some kind (something I tend to do when I already have too much to do), but not sure what - sums me up, basically - interested in everything, not focused on anything. ESL? French? Photography? Theology? Interest classes (like sewing)? And I need to exercise...
But, we at least seem to be pretty much over the jet-lag, for what it's worth. And we are looking forward to putting together a nice, big presentation about our trip sometime soon. Thinking that it would be fun to partner with our Karen congregation to do a traditional meal at the church when we do our presentation. Will see how that unfolds.
My mind feels full and blank at the same time, but I realized I haven't posted much lately. Thinking, more than writing, I guess. Hmm...
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Scratch That...I'm Just Along for the Ride
Will hopefully have confirmation on the travel issue tomorrow or Monday.
Cautious Optimism???
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Are We Infectious?
I have to agree with folks that any changes to ensure and improve practices around family preservation, proper documentation & determination of children's eligibility to be adopted, and follow-through by adoptive parents (apparently there have actually been multiple cases of parents arriving in Ethiopia, and deciding to leave without their children - I cannot comment, as I do not know their situations, but...ahhh) cannot be a bad thing at all.
But when you know it will impact the referral wait time, and mean lots more travel costs (looking like two trips will be necessary - but I will be clear that as of this moment, we have not heard this from our agency directly...just from many, many adoption blogs and discussion boards, particularly in the US)...well, it's hard to hear.
What can I say? Because today, this is our plan. And I feel inclined to stick with the plan (guess we can keep earning travel $$ during that long referral wait). I really hope that Thailand (in just two weeks, folks) helps me LOVE air travel. Ha ha ha. One does start to wonder, though, how many times to say "sure, we'll roll with that" before one's sanity and judgment can seriously be called into question. I would like to think we are "persevering" with this adoption, rather than "perseverating" on it...time will hopefully tell.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
Lists
I even bought a book recently, Listography Journal: Your Life in Lists (by Lisa Nola and Nathaniel Russell). So very fun.
Today is a big list day. Emails are being sent as I write, and soon we will know where we sit amongst the families waiting for siblings through our agency. The agency kindly agreed to provide this information given all the upheaval around the bankruptcy and the resulting uncertainty regarding timeframes. I used various bits of incomplete information and conjecture to come up with a bit of an estimate as to how many sibling requests there might be, and where we might fall within that line...and will soon find out if there was any basis to my calculations at all!
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Double Drum Roll...
This has been a hugely exciting week for Imagine. They just received confirmation of their Ontario license renewal, and today received confirmation that their Ethiopian NGO approval has gone through.
AND...
(This is a big deal, folks)
...referrals were actually given out today! And yes, that is plural. So far, I know of two. And, it is also very cool that we have met one of the couples who received their referral, as they attended the same adoption BBQ with us this summer...oh, and we also met them at our area meeting of affected families right after the bankruptcy announcement. Just so you know how very exciting this is for folks, the restructuring proposal projected referrals starting in March 2010, so we are three months ahead of schedule. The proposal also forecasted approximately 5 referrals per month for the first 6 months, so I will be very curious to see how thoroughly they can surpass that estimate!
There is more.
Obviously, I am very pleased about this in a general sense, but even more so today because we took the plunge - I actually came home to all this news after heading out to put our retainer agreement and first installment of renewal fees in the mail. I paid double to make sure it gets there tomorrow morning instead of by 5:00pm tomorrow. Even though we have until Friday...I hate taking risks with the post office. And an extra $10 is pretty inconsequential at this point.
I think that is enough for one day, so we are at the end of my post, and at the beginning of something new.
Monday, 30 November 2009
And There We Have It
For us, the announcement resulted in mixed feelings. This morning, we received confirmation regarding one outstanding detail in regard to our situation, and were disappointed to say the least. So, the good news arrived in the midst of a let-down, which is making it harder to join in the celebration. However, when I think about all Imagine clients, and how this all came together - that is pretty amazing, and I am so pleased for everyone that it looks like the agency will be able to really start working on things...like referrals!
Stay tuned...eventually we will make our decision (we just want to feel really clear about WHY we choose a particular course of action, rather than going with an easy default reaction, so are taking our time).
At some point, Imagine clients will be given a list (without names, for confidentiality) showing how many folks are waiting, and where your own family falls on that list. Adoptions do not happen in exact order (due to things like age, gender, and sibling requests), but a list will provide a general idea. The actual referral wait time is to be determined - the new Board developed "conservative" estimates for the next couple of years, but are hoping that referrals can happen sooner and more frequently than proposed in the restructuring plan. It looks like our wait would be on the longest side, since our date of entry will be considered the date our file went to Ghana (February 2009). Sad. That will partly depend on how many family renewals came from folks who already had a file in Ethiopia, and how many were still in the stages before having a file sent overseas. I am not counting on knowing this before we have to make our decision, but it might be nice.
Anyway, same old routine for the next couple of weeks, then - thinking, talking in circles, etc. Hopefully the circles evolve into some kind of direction.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Stalling...
Friday, 13 November 2009
November
In 2007, we spent November digesting the news that our basset hound was living with untreatable tumours. We were also still recovering from minor whiplash injuries sustained in our July 2007 car accident - which was difficult given that I had already received an extension on my masters thesis and could not sit at a computer through the evenings to work on it. That year, we were also making big decisions through November, having attended a late October information session on...yes, that's right...international adoption with our soon-to-be agency. That part was generally good stress, but still a big deal with lots of discussion and organizing to do. Especially with some pieces we wanted in place within certain time-frames to avoid additional costs. We do have a lovely "family" photo of Geoff and I with our pets, taken that November, which is a nice memory.
November 2008 contained my thesis defense, and immediately following, news that the Zambia program was in trouble. Pretty exhausting. The happy memory there is dinner out right after my defense, and the pretty necklace Geoff gave me. And I think we pretty much finished getting our leaves gathered up for just about the first time ever...
So far in November 2009, our mortgage is due, so we are running to and from appointments and have been making decisions about what type of mortgage we would like to try this time. To add some planned renovation expenses to the mortgage, we need to have an appraisal done, which means it is crunch time for some of the projects we are trying to do, like build, stain, and install baseboards (want that done before an appraiser comes calling). It would also be nice to have those projects done before our homestudy update (once we finally decide what we are doing - the other BIG thing on our November agenda) - not necessary to get baseboards done for a home visit, I realize, but nice to show that we actually have kept working on the place since our last visit. As well, our adoption medicals likely need to be updated (unless we can get the homestudy updated and sent to the Ministry before sometime in December), so there are appointments and paperwork to coordinate for those. And the bottom line is that all this "stuff" means I am way behind on Christmas decorating, which is sad and also stressful. Need time and order to get that off the ground, which is too bad because once those lights are twinkling away, the whole place becomes just so soothing, which I need. I did get two trees up yesterday - one in the computer/family room/guest room upstairs, and one in our room. Unfortunately, I am having second thoughts about the dog/cat tree in the family room, and thinking I should have used the primitive/folk ornaments in there instead (which are homeless after our master bedroom re-do). If I catch up, I would not put it past me to un-decorate that tree and move the cat/dog theme elsewhere. I compromised a bit in our room, which is not totally ready (still need a bookcase and curtains to call it finished), but it was nice to see some decorating progress. Good thing I started my Christmas letter in August (what else to do with a broken back?) and my Christmas cards in October, so only have part of that project to complete. Anyway, we are just halfway through November so far, and I am hoping that the second half of the month is where all these loose ends get tied up...
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Inching Forward
These decisions would be a lot easier if the old baby in a basket on the doorstep scenario actually played out, or someone called us up and said, "Hey, I heard you wanted to adopt..."
*Sigh*
Oh well.
Monday, 2 November 2009
Back to the Drawing Board
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Now We Know
If there is any good for us in this right now, it is that we received the news now, rather than a few months down the road (as we did not know how long the Ghana investigation might take) when even more time had passed. However, there are families with child referrals, and I do so hope that there are ways for them to complete their adoptions.
That is all for now. Guess it is time to get out of permanent waiting mode and into thinking and planning, and as of this moment I am not quite sure where this will lead, or even where we want it to lead. We will keep you posted.
Saturday, 24 October 2009
Where Are We Going?
We have tried to resurrect some sense of forward movement, and attended the first meeting of a local satellite group for transracial adoptive families. We enjoyed the people there, and plan to continue attending. We have also set up the nursery again this week, after using the space for storage since last winter as we worked on flooring and trim throughout the upstairs. It is SO nice to have our upstairs rooms in order again. What a relief!
As usual, fall is catching up with me. This is the point at which I invariably realize that Christmas is much closer than I imagined, and that I am once again a little behind schedule. Although I do have my cards pretty much done, other than address labels. And with the house shaping up again, I should be able to start decorating the first week of November. Before putting up Christmas trees, however, I should likely empty and store my garden pots and planters and things. That will be near the top of the agenda for the coming week...at least we are all ready for trick-or-treaters next Saturday!
Sunday, 18 October 2009
Coming This Week???
Monday, 21 September 2009
Yes, all 'round!
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