Our Corner of the World

No Crib For a Bed

2012-01-20T14:45:00.003-05:00

"Baby" Caye has taken another leap forward into toddlerhood. Less than two weeks ago, she quite unexpectedly began sleeping big kid style - no more crib.

I had long hoped she might continue in the crib until age 3 or so (brother Kitch, at 3.5, would quite happily still use a crib at night - and he does use one for nap time - he seems to rest well there, and enjoys the safety and coziness of it). I suppose I anticipated that the freedom of being out of the box might lead to nap-time, and possibly night-time, difficulties, and was not eager to test it out. Caye has consistently napped 2-2.5 hours daily, which works for me!

(Although, as is my tendency, I have read about crib-free sleeping philosophies, and felt there was likely something to it...but since Caye had spent a year in a crib when we met her, we just continued with what was familiar to her at the time).

Two weeks ago, Caye suddenly started protesting bed time. As well, she had been waking in the night with greater distress to be with me, and would not settle in her room again for the rest of the night after waking. In so many ways, I was quite happy to co-sleep (and/or let her use the crib in our room), but for a few issues we couldn't seem to resolve. First, she would stay awake for 2-3 hours at a time - unhappy in her room and on her own, and happy with me in my bed...but awake either way. Second, Geoff wakes early for work, and the commotion of he and the dogs getting up and leaving our room would sometimes wake Caye if she was in bed with us. Finally, I am often up for bathroom breaks in the night, and Caye had taken to sleeping on top of me, which of course led to more waking when I tried to slink out from under her. Add other factors such as the occasional little boy wandering in with a night-time crisis (more waking), and having her in our room was proving to be complicated.

One night, I went to Caye when she woke up around midnight (early for her). We had just decided that we would try to keep her in her room - even if that meant staying with her for quite a while, to see if she would gradually settle faster by not changing environments and not having the option to head elsewhere. The first night of this experiment had resulted in me sleeping on the floor for a couple of hours, and her waking when I tried to sneak out. This second night, I was debating what to do, turned around in the pitch black for an instant while Caye screamed from her crib, and then heard a thud. Sure enough, after feeling around by the crib, I found her on the floor. She was fine, but quite upset at this point, so I took her to bed with me again.

Needless to say, we were nervous about having her in the crib from that point forward. We were also nervous about having her sleep "free"...but had no real choice (not about to get into tents, etc. - I think she would have liked that confinement less than the crib, and she is nearly old enough to figure her way out of that, too). We tentatively put her down for her first and second nights, with protests, and efforts to run after us. There was some banging on the door for a few minutes...but then, nothing. The protests stopped after two evenings (and remember, she had started defying bed-time a few nights prior to being free). Her first nap went without a hitch. Caye has slept through the night five times in the past 1.5 weeks. When Geoff goes to her on the nights she does wake, she takes a bottle, then settles back to sleep - no 2-3 hour periods of wakefulness, and far less distress altogether. I have even heard her playing in her room after waking in the morning on one or two occasions, rather than crying for me the moment she opens her eyes.

Today, I put the boys down for their rests before Caye. Expecting to have her at my heels, waiting for me, I went to her room when I didn't see her nearby, and found her quietly lying on her mattress with her blanket over her and her head on her little pillow. She said "good-night" to me when I came in, so I kissed her, and left the room.

Now, we are wondering if this could have worked months ago, with proper safety measures. Perhaps not...but we are starting to be thankful she took that dive (while also being very thankful she was not injured), otherwise we would likely have kept her penned up for months longer, not thinking of the possible advantages of going crib-free. Caye had never shown any interest in climbing out (despite being a climber in general), and it had not occurred to us to do an experiment like this. I don't know if she simply feels more in control, being able to get out of bed on her own, if having access to her books and stuffed animals helps her stay occupied (although I had previously tried leaving a couple of toys and books in the crib), or if some other factors are at play. I have observed that she stays awake for a while during rest time, playing (and we have found her with empty bookshelves a couple of times), and will acknowledge that her night-time sleep might have been positively impacted by a shorter nap (although I have always believed in letting her nap as long as her body "chooses").

Whatever the reason, or reasons, nearly two weeks into our necessary experiment, it seems safe to say that having no crib for a bed is working out very well indeed. Just this week, Caye reached 22 months, and she continues to demonstrate new skills and developmental progress on a daily basis. I suppose that a child who has officially begun using 4 and 5-word sentences, who can now carry on a few lines of dialogue in reciprocal conversation, who can fetch me items upon request, and who provided some actual assistance packing Christmas ornaments, may just be old enough to sleep in freedom.

A Quick Farewell to 2011, or, The 7th Day of Christmas

2011-12-31T20:09:00.002-05:00

(The above baby elephant has spent a great deal of time with us since Christmas Day, and Kitch has been mysteriously vanishing for extended periods of time. Hmm).

I entered Christmas week with some trepidation. My introverted, tradition-loving soul anticipated all the changes now that three little ones are the stars of the show, which included NOT spending all day, every day reading, shopping, eating, watching movies, and knitting. Everyone who spoke to us before Christmas commented on how excited we must be this year, and Geoff and I both agreed that this particular feeling was not at the forefront for us.

I am, therefore, tremendously thankful for everyone's sake, to be able to say that we have had a lovely week. I have read, shopped, eaten, watched movies, and brought out my knitting (not started yet), albeit in smaller doses. I ended up enjoying watching the kiddos unwrap their gifts: they seem to enjoy their new items, and expressed lots of appreciation for them (the way they often take their possessions for-granted made me a bit reluctant to indulge them with more, more, more - although we tried to fill "gaps" by choosing things that are new to them, and have various creative and learning potentials). And since it's not all about me, I have been very glad that the kids' first Christmas with us has been marked by peace, joy, and positive experiences, as we knew this might be a time of mixed emotions for the boys. (Actually, their coping and behaviour has been remarkable this week - when things settle down and there is less adult attention to go around, we may see some challenges, but are glad things have gone smoothly to this point).

Having my parents here during the holidays every year has sometimes seemed stressful in terms of extra stuff, sounds, routines, etc. in the house, but I must say that this year, despite being unsure how having house guests would work out, things have been excellent. Geoff and I also managed to get out for a number of hours for a belated anniversary shopping, dinner out, and movie outing (just in town this year, but lovely nonetheless) while my parents provided child care (thanks)!

While we are spending a very unglamourous New Year's Eve at home, with children fighting colds and fevers (ok, so minus the children and illness, tonight is not too far from our usual brand of festivities), and while we continue to adjust (sometimes, still, with discomfort) to our new-ish lives and roles, all is as it should be as we enter 2012.

Merry Christmas, and a fulfilling, peace-filled New Year to you!

13 Years

2011-12-19T16:16:00.007-05:00

13 years ago today, Geoff and I were married on a dreary, wet afternoon

(there had been snow the previous day) - just like today...

And, here we are now! It sure flies by...

The Sweet and The Sensational

2011-12-16T15:27:00.002-05:00

I just posted these anecdotes as a Facebook status update (so if you read both, sorry for the duplication...but these tidbits are worth repeating):

At breakfast, Lute noted that Kitch "sometimes" cries at night after going to bed. With clarification, this apparently happens when I am out for the evening (which is, hmm...maybe once per month?). Lute stated he is sad at these times as well, and when asked why, explained, "Because I love you." (First time for that one, folks - I've had lots of "I really, really like you" from Lute previously...).

While bra shopping with Kitch & Caye (yes, if you need fun ideas for things to do with toddlers, just ask me), Kitch noted that he wants to "wear one of those" when he is a lady (but not while he is a boy). And to see his great delight simultaneously sporting fairy wings, a sparkly butterfly mask, plastic high heels, and a wand earlier this week...well...I see he is leaving his future wide open!

Subtle

2011-11-11T16:18:00.005-05:00

At first it was a casual observation on my part, but later I realized the significance, however subtle...

This morning, at our town cenotaph during Remembrance Day ceremonies, a man (friendly, holding a printed program, so having something to do with the event) moved over to stand by me and the kids (me on one side of the boys, this man on the other), who were a little removed from the crowd, smiling and greeting us. And my boys, without hesitation, looked at the man, then up at me, and came over and physically leaned against me while holding my gaze and sneaking one or two more small glances toward the man.

I nearly missed it, maybe because it felt so "normal" to have my kids take cover in this way. But I am glad I noted their response, because this was new for our boys, who typically greet (and sometimes seek out) complete strangers with enthusiasm and confidence (which has included calling out to people from a distance to say hello, losing themselves in interactions with other adults - often strangers - without so much as a glance our direction, going off on their own in public places without checking in with Geoff and I, throwing themselves onto people they may have met once, etc.). Occasionally, Lute will play shy with someone (although often that seems to be a bit of a control thing around people we want him to greet), and just this week Kitch asked me twice about whether someone was a stranger (a cashier) and about receiving a greeting from a stranger (a fellow shopper)...but usually they will dive into interactions with just about anyone (and to be fair to the boys, other unknown adults are really inappropriate about approaching our kids and asking personal questions of them - names, ages, etc., taking their hands, and so on - what's a kid to do, when the adults are modeling these poor boundaries?)...

Anyway, I thought to write a quick post, and add this observation to our patchy written record of events in the first months of family life (which, by the way, is approaching 5.5 months of being home together, and has been nearly 7.5 months since meeting...wow - more than half a year of knowing each other).

Moments like this are humbling, actually, because the boys' action today followed a not-so-pretty leaving-the-house scene (a stress/frustration trigger for me at times, let me tell you). A child's ability to attach to people who spend half their evenings lamenting less-than-perfect parenting responses and reading up on how to do better next time, and to one parent in particular who is admittedly a bit reserved in her own attachments and affections, is pretty amazing. But that is a post for another day...maybe.

Baby Lion and Friends Go Trick-or-Treating

2011-11-03T17:35:00.002-04:00

Our 19 month-old baby lion insisted on independently following along with big brothers (a dino-dragon and bat), carrying her bucket up stairs and down, opening and ingesting three mini-chocolate bars while in the truck in transit (oops), and altogether proving her readiness for the Trick-or-Treating festivities. After leaving Grandma and Grandpa's (pictured above), she spotted some older kids up the street, and took off down the sidewalk after them in an effort to avoid returning to the truck with us...

Glimpses...

2011-10-30T15:57:00.004-04:00

Hmm, I'm trying not to get my hopes up TOO much, but...it seems there has been an up-swing for all of us the past few days.

Both Geoff and I felt encouraged after our social worker's visit last week - not sure if it is her confidence in us, her confidence that some of the rough stuff in recent weeks is a normal (and even necessary) part of the boys' adjustment process, or maybe just the chance to vent/sort through things, but we'll take it! For more than a week now I have been thinking the sneaky stuff has been improving, and the anger stuff is still alive and well, but with some sort of emotional regulation being achieved sooner and with a bit less mayhem. Still room for improvement in a few areas, for sure, but there's been a bit more room to breathe.

In addition, we've heard a few comments over the past few days, like:

"I think tomorrow [Saturday, Geoff's day off] is going to be really fun, because I like Daddy so much!"

"Those books [recorded by the foster family] don't make me sad anymore; when I listen to them, I feel happy that I live here."

The energy levels and physical self-control over the past few days seem to have been a bit more regulated, too, and Geoff and I noticed that a shopping errand and quick lunch out felt more like our vision of "typical" family today - less cueing, less wild/impulsive/restless behaviour, and so on. Kitch has been playing "baby" a lot again, calling me "Mama", wanting some extra snuggles and rides in the Beco carrier, and Luton has been taking pride in positive feedback for making wise choices. Time will tell, but these little glimpses of what *might* be in our future are comforting.

This morning in church, I was touched (hasn't happened often - partly because I'm slow to warm up, and partly because there's been so much not-too-warm-and-fuzzy around here lately) glancing over at the boys during the opening hymn, as they sat with their hymnals open, attempting to sing along.

Anyway, knowing where my last post left off, I wanted to update. Realistically, I am still anticipating some ongoing struggles, but a bit of light now and then really helps re-build motivation, hope, and a sense of being a family.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

2011-10-21T14:16:00.003-04:00

Cue maniacal laughter. The wild, desperate kind.

This likely isn't the week for me to write this post with appropriate objectivity. But this is the week during which I feel like doing it, so take it for what it is. I will write while I polish off the Halloween chocolate, and balance out the intellectual effort with some "Say Yes to the Dress" and "What Not to Wear" as a backdrop.

Today, unless I hear anything too suspicious, I will not be heading upstairs during rest/nap time to make sure everyone is in his assigned location/conducting themselves in a generally responsible manner, and will hope for the best (despite somewhat shaky confidence).

Let's head back in time a couple of months. August. If my increasingly unreliable memory serves me correctly (read: recently cancelled a day of music class and a school outing due to the "theft" of my engagement ring, which I had apparently misplaced all by myself...although in my defense there was excellent reason to suspect/assume it's theft), during late summer I was starting to feel more comfortable with this whole having kids in my house business. As I have stated previously, we really didn't experience any "significant" issues with the kids over the first few months. Much of what we were facing appeared to be pretty typical 3-4 year-old stuff around attentiveness, emotions management, following rules, etc., and some not-uncommon infant sleep and temper issues (some of which I now see as very possibly being attachment/transition-related, given some recent progress/change). Likely the biggest struggle during that time was my own adjustment, which was in many ways less overtly difficult than I feared, but which involved a definite sense of discomfort in my new role, and with having toddlers around 24 hours a day (particularly toddlers who very much dove in and made themselves more than comfortable in "my" environment). So, likely by sometime in August I was starting to relax into daily life and the permanency of our new little family, and began September with a general sense of optimism.

Cue more maniacal laughter. The foreshadowing.

I must qualify the following discussion by stating clearly that anything we are experiencing at the moment is still very, very mild in the world of adoption and attachment. But, I am definitely framing some of the current issues at our house in the context of attachment and adjustment (for all of us), when previously it was not clear what was due to transition and attachment, and what was just typical kid stuff. And, having at least two children heating up at once likely isn't helping my energy level and frame of mind.

Just to keep us on our toes, one is experimenting with the more deceptive/sneaky end of the spectrum, and the other has ramped up his anger and oppositionality and limit-testing beyond what I would consider "typical" for his age and stage. I *think* the sneaky stuff may be tapering off a bit, but it has involved pilfering (from school, home, and a store), rummaging through drawers and cabinets all over the house, sneaking around upstairs during rest time, and misusing materials/property (tape & glue on hardwood, etc.). For this child, increased supervision has been necessary at times, but (due to a high need for attention of any kind) almost enjoyable for him (even when I try to keep it boring). The defiance in our other little guy (often over very trivial things, or his own intentional actions) typically leads to rages in response to even the kindest re-direction, which now require swaddling and holding, due to the onset of destructiveness and physical lashing out. He is also demonstrating very little inclination and self-control in regard to rule-following when outside of our direct supervision (well, within it, too), and is often out of bed after bedtime, making noise in the morning, etc. He gashed his finger last week on the stroller MINUTES after being re-directed away from playing with its wheel, and this sort of attraction to non-toys is constant (occasionally resulting in personal injury, and often in some sort of property damage). Trying to supervise and engage with all three effectively when managing some of the current issues is quite a creative challenge. Some days I find myself literally fighting sleep by lunch-time (which is thankfully followed by rest time for all of us).

It has been a relief to see the covert issues of our one little guy dissipating a bit the past week or so. I am trying to give him lots of positive attention, some special 1:1 time in bits and pieces, and need to keep working on being a bit more patient with some of the personality quirks and behaviours that really get to me. Overall, he's actually the "easiest" to parent on a day-to-day basis - very quick and responsible in following through with chores, loves to help out, gets excited about any and every activity. However, I have the most trouble just enjoying him - he's so bold (which can look bossy and demanding) and impulsive (which makes me self-conscious in public in particular) - qualities that don't appeal to me. Our other little man has the same enthusiasm for life, and still LOVES to be babied - he likely would be very happy if I could realistically wear him and cradle him all day. He is cute as a button, and can comply with beautiful cheerfulness when so inclined. His distractibility and slowness to complete tasks is astounding and frustrating, and I think is sometimes a bit of a game for him (but it's hard to tell). The oppositionality just comes out of the blue most of the time (although is often predictably associated with any expectation for follow-through with basic responsibilities - this week, he finally started verbalizing that he doesn't "want" to make his bed, and was trying to get his brother to do it for him yesterday - this issue is currently escalating - hopefully peaking???). I recently drove him home from a family gathering while leaving Geoff with the other two, after he continued to become more and more aggressive and dysregulated, after a minor incident.

Needless to say, while I spent the summer reading standard parenting books, I am back to the attachment literature to come up with strategies and responses which might be helpful (and if anything, which will give me a consistently calm and measured way of interacting). I have particularly appreciated revisiting Deborah Gray's "Attaching in Adoption" and Karen Purvis' "The Connected Child" (I have also ordered her "Trust-Based Parenting" DVDs). I hope to dive into more Daniel Hughes, and just finished "Love and Logic for Early Childhood", which I found very practical (although the concept that I will "keep" any toys left for me to pick up doesn't really work well when the kids start handing me things and telling me to take them so that they don't have to tidy up completely, or happily letting me take some of their money as "payment" for clearing their breakfast dishes. I'm sure someday I might find these memories amusing, but right now this stuff leaves me perplexed and uncertain what to do next). Another blog highly recommended Denise Best's "Therapeutic Parenting Manual", and I am curious to have a look at that. I also continue to be thankful for our very supportive, experienced, and helpful adoption worker, with whom we continue to meet about every three weeks (and can contact anytime in between).

Overall I keep thinking, intellectually, that we can do this. And that things are really not that bad. But when I am standing in the middle of three children, completely tongue-tied (seriously, I sometimes stand there frozen, frantically trying to come up with SOMETHING to say or do so we can move on. Today I had them all take a long "break" sitting and doing nothing, while I reviewed some tips and pointers in the Love & Logic book), I feel like some kind of pathetic joke. And when I've been all therapeutic and unfazed for incident after incident, and then lose it over a child asking an annoying question, I feel like the kids would be better fending for themselves while I spend the rest of the day in self-imposed time out (don't worry, I have always opted to keep supervising and meeting basic needs - if boxed mac & cheese can be considered a way of meeting basic needs - even when in a zombie-like state). Or, when one child has not fulfilled the basics of bed-making and PJ put-away (required before coming down for breakfast), and could possibly benefit from some moral support/connecting time, but two other hungry little ones are waiting to be fed (which in fairness, in my opinion, becomes the priority)...what is one to do? All of this has also challenged the progress Geoff and I have made toward our attachments to the boys in particular. I am hoping we will come up with some clear strategies, learn more about neutralizing our responses (and thereby neutralizing our internal emotional reactions), and benefit from this more challenging time by becoming more skilled and confident.

Next week marks five months with everyone home, which will be seven months since first meeting each other. I often remind myself how thankful I am that we studied and learned so much in the years leading up to this point - I can't say we have been surprised by anything we have experienced yet, so I think it's primarily a matter of coming up with a plan and giving it a fair chance, while also staying connected with each other and the non-kid parts of our lives. Some of the blog-reading and church sermons and discussions lately have focused on thankfulness in all circumstances (what with Thanksgiving having been this month) and peace in the knowledge that we are asked only to do our best without worry for the future.

With that, I must go - I may soon hear little Caye calling for me from her crib, which will signal the end of rest time for everyone. It's Friday, and there is always some relief in knowing the morning and days will be a team effort with Geoff home for a couple of days.

The Dance

2011-10-07T15:16:00.003-04:00

"Ways have to be found to let the child know that certain behaviors are unacceptable, without making the child herself feel not accepted. She has to be able to bring her unrest, her least likable side, to the parent without fear that it would threaten the relationship. When that is made possible, absolute security is established. We can reliably expect emotional growth ...to follow.

Parents need to keep asking themselves which goal they think is more important: a desired short-term otucome, or long-term development. It's nice when that question does not have to be faced, but often the two are incompatible and even antagonistic. Choosing one means, for that moment at least, giving up on the other. If the child is to be freed to go through the necessary developmental stages, the attachment relationship with th eparent has to be made paramount. Our immediate objective of getting the child to obey or to perform this or that task may need to be sacrificed. On the other hand, tactics needed to achieve short-term behavior goals may have to involve the weakening of the attachment. Especially in the beginning, the parent will be confronting those options regularly."

From "Scattered Minds" by Gabor Mate

While reading this, I forgot this is a book on ADHD (not something our kids have been identified with, but I think there might be some helpful strategies to draw on, so I picked it up for a browse), and felt like I was reading an adoption and attachment book.

So much of parenting discussion, dilemmas, and experiments at our place these days hinge on these issues. We see behaviour that needs to change (we think it needs to happen now, but reading excerpts like the one above cause me to consider that maybe we need to think in terms of 'eventually'), and often want to try certain contingencies which are sometimes in competition with what is recommended during the process of building attachment in adoption.

All this raises questions around where we are at as a family in terms of attachment, and how this impacts which approaches would be most effective in addressing other issues (most of them typical pre-schooler stuff, but perhaps with somewhat greater intensity and frequency than might generally be expected). Even without the adoption factor in our situation, there is much in the attachment parenting literature that resonates with me. However, I'm not sure I would naturally gravitate toward being attachment parenting purist (in fact, I really have not been since the beginning, somewhat to my surprise).

Without wanting to minimize the trauma and loss involved with moving to a new family, and being raised outside of the biological family unit (and the resulting attachment risks), our kids came to us having had an as-close-to-typical parenting and family experience as one would ever find in adoption, and as such, we are not faced with most of the trauma and attachment issues present in many adoption situations. However...we realize that while our kids' attachment needs may be more subtle than some, our family is still new, and even some (or many?) of the behaviours we see could very well be attachment-related.

I surely don't have answers at this point. My desire to extinguish problematic behaviours does compete with things I should likely be doing to promote further attachment. As well, some attachment strategies are difficult to implement when there are other little ones around. For instance, having kids tantrum and rage in my presence, with siblings around (to keep them close, while also supervising siblings) - particularly when the tantrum involves name-calling, hitting, or other inappropriate behaviour being modeled for siblings - or giving extra nurturing to a little person having a rough spot, while the others clambor for attention (or occupy themselves, then later, possibly demonstrate the effects of too little direct time with me) don't seem feasible or desirable. Hence, we have been using time-out-style removal for such behaviour, and yet I realize it doesn't seem to reduce the behaviours - either the initial acts leading to the time-outs, or the resulting dysregulation (screaming, name-calling, thrashing, etc.).

I have recently started considering contingencies like suggesting that in order to participate in certain desirable activities (e.g., holiday crafts, certain outings/community activities), one must conduct oneself in a respectful manner (e.g., not screaming at me, calling me names, or hitting me when upset) - and this has so far shown the most promise to stop the melt-down in its tracks (I have had to follow through with the contingency a few times, too). I think one reason I hesitated to go this route was in wanting to give us as many opportunities as possible to connect and build attachment through family time, special and memorable activities, etc., without those activities necessarily being contingent on behaviour, so that the kids feel accepted and see that they belong no matter what. I suppose we could consider a "baseline" of opportunities for participation which are not contingent on behaviour (generally speaking), with some "extra-special" opportunities that can become contingencies. I don't know. I have also been reluctant to head into structured behavioural approaches using charts, rewards, etc., but wonder if there might be a time and place for some of that as well.

Really, I feel wishy-washy. I can always see good points in multiple perspectives, which prevents me from buying whole-heartedly into one particular philosophy and approach (and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing). I suspect a thoughtful, individualized, and consistent "eclectic" approach could be wonderful, but how to sort out the preferred elements based on our kids' needs and what seems right to us as parents, and weave it all together?

With that, I really must pack a few things for our last camping weekend at the trailer, and start reminding myself to greet the kiddos with hugs and kisses when they get up from their naps. And the journey will continue from there, in all its messy glory.

18 Months' Eve

2011-09-16T23:19:00.003-04:00

Yes, another Caye post. Everything about her development just stands out so much right now. It's a fascinating time! Again, this is partly for my own sake, to look back on down the road. Even tonight, reading her bedtime story, I was struck by the sudden and significant changes in this little person - she was interacting with me and the book in ways I have not yet seen - repeating sounds, pointing out familiar animals and objects, laughing, mentioning events/characters from previous pages...

Over the past few days, she has been consistently using two-word sentences (and I've heard a couple of three-word ones). Lots of "Hi Cat!" and "Look, Mommy, Look!" and "Eat cracker/cookie" (while attempting to open the pantry cupboard). A few weeks ago, her "first" two-word sentence was "Eat cruk-cruk [cracker]" while in my bedroom, before heading downstairs for the day. It was the first time I heard her talking about something she wanted to do, something other than the concrete here and now. Tonight, at bedtime, she looked at me, glanced into the hallway, and said, "Tub", which seemed to be an effort (the first I have seen) to discuss an activity she had been doing previously (Daddy had given her the bath, and she seemed to want to tell me about that experience). She attempts to imitate so many words and phrases throughout the day, and uses such effective tone and expression. At the mall this week, she tried out "Thank You" a minute or two after we disembarked from an elevator, following me having said the same to the woman holding the door for us.

Lately, Caye is also waking in the morning and asking for her brothers (Kitch in particular), wanting to see what they are up to. This morning, the baby gate at the top of the stairs had been left open, and while I was occupied in my bedroom I realized I was hearing her voice from the main floor, as she had headed down to join her siblings. This is fun to watch, although it was sometimes easier when she was more oblivious to their activities (such as when they are outside playing while I prepare lunch, and she decides she really, really wants to be out there with them). One of the benefits of Caye's increased abilities and desire to be with her brothers is Lute's growing interest in her. Initially, he demonstrated a combination of disinterest and occasional resentment at having a baby sister around all the time (keeping in mind that he only met her last Christmas, and had very few visits with her before we came along). He was never unkind, but perhaps saw her as a hindrance to his interactions with me. Occasionally he would hand her a toy or alert me when she was upset, but would typically respond that he didn't really like having a sister. Recently, though, he has even asked to play with her, and has approached her to help her with something in a big brotherly way. I try to find ways of encouraging his protective and nurturing side with her whenever possible, and he delights in having any sort of "responsibility" for her, including "keeping an eye" on her while playing (even under my supervision). Today he came up to me and stated that "it's fun having a baby sister" and has also referred to her as "my baby". He has also been noticing when she imitates himself and Kitch, and is pretty tickled by that. Now our issue will be Lute attempting to be her parent, but we'll keep an eye on that, and be thankful that he's enjoying his role as her big brother.

To anyone who has parented a child at Caye's age and stage, I know I am seeing what every other parent sees - but it is pretty neat to watch for the first time. Exciting, but with fleeting moments of wistfulness when I realize how soon her baby days will be a foggy, partial image in my mind.

(I am also feeling sentimental about beginning to dress her in full-length pants and long-sleeve shirts and closed-toe shoes - covering up those little arms, legs, and feet until next spring and summer. Sundresses and cute sandals are much more fun. Same goes for the boys, other than the sundress part - love to see them in little khaki shorts and collared t-shirts - jeans and long-sleeve tees and runners just don't say "handsome" and "adorable" in quite the same way).

17 Months

2011-08-17T22:45:00.004-04:00

I would love to be more disciplined about journalling little bits and pieces about the kids as they grow and change, because I am well aware that my memory will fail me.

In many ways, I don't see tons of differences in the boys since we met them...but I think that also means I have forgotten a bit already. Because when I really think about it, I suspect a few changes based on earlier, already foggy, impressions. Given the boys' ages, development will be a bit more subtle, but I believe we've seen some language development, and increased sophistication with various skills. They have certainly learned a lot since working on things like basic counting and drawing. We're working on introductory negotiation and other life skills as well (and seeing some progress - like, Mom not having to assist with any aspects of toileting/wiping most of the time - hooray)!

But little Caye, at 17 months old - oh my! Each day, the new words, skills, and mannerisms stop me in my tracks. This week, she has started answering my previously-rhetorical questions with very sincere "ya" and "no" responses. She has already been following simple one- and two-step instructions ("go get your baby and stroller") for a while. Increasingly, she is showing interest in "joining" the boys in play. If the boys go out to play in the backyard, she has started (unfortunately for me), saying "shoes" (shrugging in a "where are they?" gesture) and then going to the door (becoming upset if I am not in a position to escort her out quite yet). She climbs the playhouse ladder outside, and loves to "pretend" eating and drinking. She feeds her bottle to toys and book characters, pets, and family members. She has donned shoes on her own, correctly (ok, a bit of a fluke), a couple of times, and I let her spend the morning with a sundress pulled on over her shorts as a skirt recently, because it was very cute. The best is when she does something like drape Geoff's boxers around her like a toga. Caye loves to kiss the animals, will sometimes kiss me on demand (and always loves to be picked up and squeezed), and is generally cheerful, funny, and affectionate. She is very into pointing (and poking at) body parts, especially eyes and nostrils. I just bought her a water bottle like the boys', and she is totally into carting it around, loving it far more than her sip cups. Caye loves to dance, spin, copy characters' movements on television. More and more of her actions and vocalizations are intentionally goofy and humourous - a few times I thought I was hearing Kitch making various sounds, then realizing it was tiny little Caye.

So, there's a quick glimpse of Caye at 17 months. I must do the same for the boys, too.

Sand & Pizza

2011-08-10T16:30:00.002-04:00

We enjoyed an extra-full, but pleasant weekend. I began to second-guess the wisdom and feasibility of heading to the campground Friday night, but since the keys for our second vehicle had been left there the previous weekend (resulting in sharing my brother's car last week), we headed up for a night, making our first beach trip with the kids the next morning before heading home (I am not a beach-goer, but Geoff has been wanting to take them - he camped and spent time in the area growing up). The kids (at least Lute & Kitch) have been to lakes and beaches, but not a Great Lake. As far as I know, it was also Caye's first big beach adventure. Had a nice dip in the warm water - the only down-side was the sand in our day-old pizza!

One fun thing was running into the craft vendor who tipped us off regarding Aboriginal Day celebrations back in June. She and her partner (and kids) were selling their lovely jewellery on-reserve up the road from the beach. Geoff had a big chat about their plans for children and youth programs in native jewellery-making, drumming, etc., in the city, and he exchanged emails. So we shall see if this connection develops further.

Arriving home, I headed out for a few hours of shopping with my mom (who needed a dress for my cousin's upcoming wedding), while Geoff and my dad stayed with the kids, fed them, and put them to bed. The dress shopping was a success, and it was nice to get out for a bit. My parents were up in our area for the following day - our child dedication at church on Sunday. My sister and her husband were also dedicating their second daughter. They hosted family at their home afterward, so we had a hot, but enjoyable afternoon before heading home to relax with the kids and a Veggie Tales movie (and then renting a couple of us after the kids went to bed - been a while since we've done that).

Ok, so overall not a terribly exciting post, I realize. This week so far we've had rain off and on - which we have not seen much of so far this summer. I'm a bit frightened to realize that mid-August is approaching. I have been aware of the need to put Caye in as many of her pretty summer dresses as possible over the next few weeks of warm weather, make a firm decision (and take action) on school registration for Lute, and get outside for as many summer activities as possible.

We have various events coming up each weekend into September (in addition to at least one night of camping at the trailer each time), including baptism celebrations with our pastor's family (their two eldest, now young adults, are being baptized this coming Sunday, and we have been very involved with them through youth group and a young adults group), a family reunion picnic, a shower/welcome celebration for our kids (an outdoor event at a close friend's property - we gave the green light on that a few weeks ago, and set a date), and then my cousin's wedding in Ottawa over Labour Day (which reminds me, I must make reservations for that trip). Then we're into September, and with it any remaining summer activities as well as the forced beginning of fall and harvest events (ready or not). I've actually been thinking Christmas the past few weeks...not getting ready for the season itself, but really getting down to business on the house/yard/to-do list I've been neglecting, so that I might for once feel on top of things come October and November.

Ok, will stop boring you now. Really just wanted to publish a picture, and didn't need all the rambling chatter, but once I get started, I just keep typing. Oh, and the picture reminds me to mention that the hats are from SunDay Afternoons, and arrived in time to try out over the weekend. I really like them so far - adjustable sizing, lightweight, nice fit, etc. Thought I'd mention it, since I spent a fair bit of time trying to find cute but functional options in neutral colours (although they do have a wide range of 'fun' colours as well).

And now I will truly close this post.

Five, you say? Perhaps next time...

2011-07-26T15:06:00.003-04:00

While we "officially" stated an interest in adopting two siblings the first time around, I knew that with the increased flexibility of public adoption (e.g., having general parametres, and being able to consider matches outside of those...unlike international adoption, where the ages and number of children are much more specifically identified in the homestudy, and approved as such at the Ministry level) I would be open to "at least" three or so at once, depending on the circumstances. More accurately, the thought of three or four was actually kind of exciting. For the few years I spent browsing photo-listings on a provincial public adoption website, I always gravitated toward the larger sibling groups. While Geoff was overall really drawn to our kids' profiles right off the bat, the thought of three seemed a bit daunting to him initially. I was not-so-secretly quite pleased about the number!

After almost-but-not-quite being chosen for our three at Christmas, our first call about a potential match through our local agency was for a sibling group of two girls. All right. Two was ok, but didn't really get me worked up. And I always envisioned a boy or two in there somehow. And after all our focus on transracial and cross-cultural adoption, envisioning what our family might look like, these little ladies could not have been more blond-haired and blue-eyed (not an issue - just ironic and a bit amusing, that's all)! We took the match very seriously, but did not feel great about it in the end, and declined it. The day I called with our decision, the matching worker thanked us for being thoughtful and honest, and then proceeded to say that they had some other sibling groups in mind if we wanted more information - one group of three (ages 0-3), and one group of four (possibly going on five), ages 0-4 (which included a set of twins!!!). Well, that news got my heart beating a bit. Although, with a tiny bit more information (we never did get as far as official information-sharing meetings), there were some other factors which made us a bit hesitant. But, there were boys in each situation, and more than two, and those facts alone piqued my interest greatly. The workers' eagerness to tell us about these larger sibling groups also indicated that there may not be too many prospective parents out there considering that many children at once.

The reason we never explored the local matches further was that we were also told there had been a call to our agency regarding our three, as their workers were back to the drawing board and wanted to know if we were still available. And here we are. But this post isn't really about our current family...

So, in addition to browsing the provincial photo-listing frequently over the years, we also have a basic profile entered into that system. Last week I attempted to update it to show that we are not currently available for matching, having just had a placement, but the site was slow and I gave up. Yesterday our worker left a message suggesting I update our online profile, as she had received a call from another jurisdiction wondering about a sibling group of five children (after reviewing our profile, I noticed that I had entered up to 4 children as a possibility...not wanting to rule anything out). Anyway, we are now updated, so our worker will hopefully not be receiving calls about us for the next while at least. I emailed her last night, and included a little joking comment about considering five "next time". She emailed back today to see if I was just kidding, or whether I was "even remotely serious about considering" a sibling group that size "down the road"...uh...hmm...is that because she is remotely serious that they might keep us in mind for sibling groups that size in future? Based on the past few months, it does seem like there are large sibling groups waiting, that's for sure. And just yesterday, I received the Duggar book I ordered, hoping glean a few tips on running an organized household and raising respectful, responsible kids...

Hmm...

The Calendar Doesn't Lie...

2011-07-22T15:04:00.002-04:00

I've been realizing this week that we wrapped up our pre-placement 8 weeks ago. In other words, the kids have been home for 8 weeks. For nearly two weeks prior to placement, we were with them full-time at a cottage in their area, so we have been together for nearly 10 weeks without intermission. Geoff has been back to work for 7 weeks, which marks the beginning of our "new normal".

My stomach dropped a little (and is still recovering) after confirming those numbers. One thing I can't argue with is how incredibly quickly time passes. Each day (even a rough one) is over before I know it. Each week closes in the blink of an eye. Any fears of time dragging on have not been validated. At the same time, I can't really say this feels comfortably like "my" life yet.

When I note rough days, I mostly mean rough for me! The kids certainly have their moments, and some days have more moments than others. Still, for the large part, I see those moments as being generally typical for their ages. Generally. Some things certainly have looked adjustment-related (things as simple as getting used to a new routine, rule, or fact of life - like having bedrooms on the second floor, or things a bit more complex - like figuring out who calls the shots and how to communicate respectfully and effectively), but for the most part, fairly mild in comparison to what could be the case. Sometimes the "big kid" stuff our boys picked up in their first home is amusing (e.g., various slang terms), and sometimes not so much (e.g., various slang terms...plus "noogies", "wedgies", and condescending expressions like "I tollld you...", and forms of "actually..." such as, "actually, I wanted...", or "actually, you forgot..."). My rough days don't necessarily coincide with increased kid-related stresses. It seems a bit random. Some days I drift through calmly with nary a raised eyebrow, and others consist of constant (too often losing) battles for any semblance of maturity and poise. Yesterday, I calmly addressed a broken baby gate/damaged wall issue resulting from careless behaviour and disregard of house rules, and coped poorly with minor nuisances. Random.

In some areas, I do notice increased mutual comfort and positive shifts in relationship. I was realizing yesterday that I would be jealous if I had to send baby girl off to daycare, and have others spending all that quality time with her instead of me. I do think it's been easier to integrate baby girl into my identity and feel like she's just part of the picture. The eldest still feels like a bit of a stranger at times, and as I may have written previously, is very watchful of my every move, which can feel stifling and unnerving. Baby girl reminds us daily that she is moving from baby to toddler at astonishing speed. New words, mannerisms, skills, and behaviours emerge constantly. Along with increased intensity in her tantrums, she is also being more overtly affectionate, so at least there's a balance! I marvel at how one can instruct a barely 16 month-old to go find her baby & stroller in the toy room, and have her toddle off, only to return moments later with the aforementioned items. Lute (at just-turned-4) can remember long series' of instructions, and carry them out (although continues to inconsistently count to 3...hmm...). Kitch can be a bit of a free spirit, easily distracted, and is so cute when ignoring direction sometimes that it can be hard to determine if he really didn't hear me, or if he simply prefers to continue playing away...at other times, he makes it quite clear how he feels about complying (for better or for worse).

One interesting aspect of public adoption is the ongoing contact and relationship with our social worker. Overall, since we have a good relationship with her and get lots of validation and extremely positive feedback, we appreciate her input, and find it useful to have someone available for questions and information. At other times, it would be nice to think we are just a "regular" family, all on our own! It feels a bit cumbersome to remember to inform her about things like getting a new vehicle, so that all the information about make/model/year/etc. can be added to the case notes and file. We also have to call in for more "serious" injuries - anything that might require stitches, say, or that "looks" nasty.

Ok, so at two months, there is a fair bit that I feel good about. The kids really do seem to be transitioning well. I am SO thankful for how the dogs have transitioned as well (this was one of my big worries)! So far, we have managed to do many of the things we would have done without children, which makes us feel like we can basically go on with the familiar things of life (and we did get out to dinner alone this week, thanks to Geoff's sister, niece, & nephew minding the kids, and our social worker's motivational input - the kids, by the way, did great having us go out for a few hours). While I will welcome the day when I can honestly be enthusiastic about having handed my life over to three kids, I could be in FAR worse shape - I enjoy many moments, continue to see them as great kids, and look forward to seeing who they turn into as they grow up.

Over the past couple of months, we have attended a family wedding, gone to a theme park, enjoyed dinner with friends, attended downtown festivals, gone to church, enjoyed family gatherings, attended music class, met up with friends & family for splash pad adventures, gone shopping (Wal-Mart, alone, with three kids, was an air-conditioned blessing in the heat we've been having in these parts), (finally) done a craft, and gone camping (more than once, at our trailer...including one hot overnight with no power after a thunderstorm).

That said, I am at the point where regular bouts of restlessness are hitting. I realize how quickly the coming months will pass as well, and although we have a fairly consistent routine, there are some components we haven't introduced yet. We do night-time Bible stories, but I really want to to do family devotions at dinner (and dive into some of the "Kids of Integrity" materials - free, online). I want to help the kids engage in more creative and imaginative play, building, and crafting...and find time for more reading (other than just at bedtime). We have been getting out about twice during the week (in addition to weekend events), but I still haven't checked out any library programs, cultural activities (other than the pow-pow we attended), or other summer-time events in the area. I also need to start thinking about any fall programs I might attend with the younger two, while Lute heads off to JK for a couple of mornings a week (most likely - long story, and worth a post all to itself). Around the house, I am craving some crafting time of my own, along with a concerted effort on the weedy, weedy gardens and the "catch-all" front porch office/crafting area (necessary if I am actually going to start crafting and mending again). I have been reading (for pleasure and parenting), and keeping up with photo uploads, but have numerous computer projects (e.g., adoption announcements, life book text writing before doing the actual books, photo organization & ordering) and other things of fairly high importance on my "to-do" list. I would also dearly love to have professional photos taken of our little (some people say "large" - really?) family during our first summer together.

Anyway, forgot to grab the baby monitor from my bedroom earlier, so should likely see if baby girl is up yet. The boys must still be sleeping (oh yes - hooray - forgot to mention that they have all been napping daily at the same time)! I do have a few pictures for you, but they are not wanting to upload at the moment, so stay tuned (still not sure whether or when I will post facial photos, for one or two reasons, but have some back shots I am happy to share).

Philosophically Wishy-Washy

2011-07-06T15:19:00.007-04:00

As can be expected in life, the application of various theories and approaches in real-life situations is not quite as simple as one might hope.

In regard to parenting in general, I have tended toward notions of simplicity, natural nutrition, media-free living, attachment, learning-oriented activity, etc., etc. In regard to adoption parenting, I have typically bought into the attachment literature and associated disciplinary recommendations. Some ideas are being neatly implemented, while others (sometimes surprisingly) have ended up tweaked, postponed, and turned right over.

1. I don't like to be bothered in the morning (that's no surprise). Actually, not really at all. But especially in the morning. Or the night. So as much as the image of cute little folk creeping into my room and snuggling in my bed in the morning seems homey and delightful, I have been much happier and more willing to face the day (and churn out some semblance of a warm morning greeting) having the boys head downstairs on their own when they wake up, with a laid-out snack, and not coming for me until I call for them, typically after baby girl is up and dressed. This didn't happen right away, but we've been trying it for nearly a week, I think. I am often awake to hear them, but crave the privacy and quiet of my bedroom as I gradually rouse myself. We are still working out the night-time issues with baby girl, who has been demanding bottles at least once through each night lately, and keeping us guessing with her sleep patterns (she was previously a through-the-night sleeper, so we're hoping this is mainly a transition issue that will resolve in time). She could not scream any harder for a bottle if she tried, and there isn't much of a grace period for us to get downstairs to the bottle warmer and back. Thankfully she usually settles right back to sleep after her bottle, although I have had a few 1.5-2.5 hour sessions with her. I find night wakings most difficult soon after I go to bed, and within an hour or two of getting up for the day.

2. I don't like to be bothered in the morning (see above). So Geoff puts the TV on when he leaves for work, along with the boys' snacks. Yes, the TV. Ugh.

3. I really like some quiet time/nap time in the afternoons. This initially meant a movie with the boys while baby girl slept. Yes, more TV (fully sanctioned by our social worker as quality bonding time while we snuggled together on the couch - I'll take it)! Now, they have actually been going up willingly for individual rest time (which has always resulted in at least a 2-hour nap). So...I feel guilty about not spending that nice quiet time with them anymore (because it was nice, even though there was movie guilt), but am really glad to have some down time to read, tidy, or SLEEP a little myself.

4. I am super-easily frustrated by screaming and raging in a child of any age, even if she is the most adorable 15 month-old around, and definitely if he is a 3 or 4 year-old little guy. This results in deep breathing, and some mutual time outs to re-group.

5. Speaking of time-outs. Regardless of any advice to the contrary, I have a hard time letting a child scream at me or anyone else while remaining in the same room. So yes, when the boys lash out verbally and disturb others' peace we do have them sit in a different area on the same level of the house until they can be respectful again. Or if they have an off-moment and refuse to don their pants after toileting (particularly if assistance has been requested, even when not needed, provided, and rejected), and as a result must remain in the bathroom until fully clothed once again (so far this has only occurred once or twice per boy). Or when they make a scene at dinner (neither has food/eating issues, and they are used to having to eat whatever is served, but are occasionally feeling out our stance in regard to meal-time behaviour), and are therefore excused from the table. In many adoption situations, I would NOT disregard the advice of attachment experts regarding time-out/time-in. However, our boys were raised from birth in a loving and healthy family, and were well-attached there. They are familiar with time outs, and we try to use them only when their behaviour is socially inappropriate (not broken rules, etc.). I do sometimes sit with them, but often they are being asked to take a few minutes for yelling/screaming continuously at me, and so I leave until they compose themselves, which they tend to do quite quickly. If I remain present as an audience, the yelling seems to go on a bit longer. Both boys will yell, cry, and scream on cue, and can turn it off just as quickly. It seems that they may be used to being able to scream a bit, then settle and go back to doing what they were doing (e.g., eating supper, playing outside/heading out for a walk), which is not happening here. Anyway, I do check back in and have a calm chat at the end of the time-out, and I have been implementing mandatory apologies. I am a bit torn on this. I was initially thinking that an apology should only be given when completely sincere, but am realizing that sincerity is a complicated thing in pre-schoolers. Now, I am leaning more toward having them go through the motions of apology and forgiveness, so the words and actions become comfortable and familiar, and can be used easily as sincerity develops. Part of the post time-out process includes some repair/re-connection through hugs and affirmations.

6. I don't want to label or read into things, but also don't want to minimize attachment needs. Both boys are generally quite comfortable with people. Sometimes too comfortable, in my opinion. But then, I am pretty reserved and introverted, and come from a family with a few other introverts and generally very carefully-boundaried people. I am not used to bold children, and have always been more impressed with children who stand back a bit, wait for invitation, and demonstrate some awareness of others in social environments. Our boys...ha ha ha. They will dive into play with anyone, say hello to pretty much anyone (except, of course, when asked - working on that with the eldest, who has been choosing when to be mannerly, and when to ignore others), accept anything from anyone, etc. They don't ask our permission for snacks and treats offered by others, or necessarily even to go visiting the neighbours at the campground. My attachment alarm bells were ringing loud and clear (and are still tinkling away just to be vigilant), but I also realize that the boys were raised in a busy home full of teens and young adults, who had lots of friends and relatives coming by. They also spent plenty of time at a small campground, owned by their foster grandmother, which promoted constant mingling and casual interaction with anyone and everyone around. We witnessed fairly open access to food and drink at their first home as well. The informal, outdoor lifestyle they are used to seems to be clashing at times with my more traditional ideas about social interaction, particularly when addressing adults, and spending time in others' space.

7. I find it challenging being the introverted mother of an extroverted, attention-seeking child.
The oldest thinks nothing of asking for whatever he wants (food and drink, entering or moving between rooms and levels of others' homes), and invites himself to be first for everything. He jumps on people in play (even when he has just met them), throws balls at people (even when they have not been asked if they want to play, and aren't looking his direction), generally pays no attention to personal space, and has no concept of waiting for invitation instead of making requests. At music class this week, he copied the teacher's demonstration of a bug crawling up from her toes to her head...by having his bug roughly crawl up her...while she was teaching class...laughing and chatting the whole time. Both boys can be found running and jumping and spinning during music class, when others are seated or doing a gentle activity. Again, the class is informal, and the boys are, I think, generally very social by nature...and have never been exposed to structured group settings with written or unwritten rules of conduct. They will take some cueing from me in these situations, but definitely tend to dive right into things in whatever way suits them. While I can see some explanations for these tendencies based on their life experience, I also want to be alert to any concerning attachment flags, or even basic social skills issues so that we can help them make the most of social situations and build appropriate relationships. I must give them credit, after all this commentary, for having very nice manners in some respects - they have been taught to use please and thank-you, and can show some lovely sensitivity toward others (our younger little guy in particular).

At home, there are some issues of entitlement (the oldest will state what we are going to do next, announce that he is hungry and expect a snack on cue), and a constant thirst for attention and recognition. If I pick up or hold one of the others, the oldest barges in for his exact share (which really means bumping the others out of line and stealing the limelight). He would far rather sit and watch me assemble meals (meal prep is stressful for me at the best of times - I don't cook) while chatting incessantly (loving to ask questions about and comment on what I'm doing - he unfortunately has picked up some less-than-attractive catch-phrases, such as "actually, you forgot...", which can be really annoying even when the context indicates he doesn't intend to be condescending), than find a toy with which to amuse himself, or a sibling to play with. I can be scrubbing food off the floor, or changing a diaper, and he is in complete seriousness asking me to play hide and seek or join him in some other activity...right then and there. At times, the more attention he has had from me, the more he demands. One afternoon, I spent two hours with him while the others slept, did some learning worksheets (which he loves...thankfully, since there is a LOT to catch up on in terms of basic counting, shape, and colour recognition - he had plenty of outdoor and gross motor development in his first home, but not so much in the academic department)...and then witnessed a complete breakdown when Geoff arrived home and the other two woke up. He chooses difficult activities (indoors and at the playground) which require adult assistance, and otherwise restlessly, aimlessly flits from thing to thing when needing to occupy himself for any amount of time. To his credit, we have seen a bit of improvement with the expectation that he keep busy with his "job" of doing kid stuff, while grown-ups do their "jobs" at home - he has started to self-correct at times when making certain requests, and points out when he is "being patient" by amusing himself while waiting for me.

8. Convenience does occasionally trump...everything else. Food-wise, activity-wise...yep...sometimes whatever is simpler wins. Hopefully I will soon be more willing to rise to the occasion, and challenge myself in this area (I would really like to be doing some crafts, more reading and drawing, more creative play), but for now I am most concerned with harmony and my own sanity. We are devouring tons of fresh fruit and veggies, at least, and we have spent a bit of time gardening.

9. I have no idea what to do about toys. We tried to stock up on a few quality items for the kids - things with potential for imagination, problem-solving, etc. Some of these get occasional use, although lots of toddler games still require parental involvement (good, but not useful when needing a diversion), and building toys aren't very practical when baby is awake and in the mix (hopefully the boys will fairly soon be independent and reliable enough to use some of these toys on their own, upstairs, if they so desire). The boys arrived with a bin of cars and trucks, which they enjoy to some extent. Baby prefers things like the kitchen table, sinks, toilet, cooking utensils, etc. Even though I don't feel swamped with toys, it still seems like too much. Some promising items never see the light of day, other items have no redeeming value (in my opinion), and some are constant fodder for fights over use. We need to gradually do some weeding out...and the more extreme side of me thinks I should just order the Waldorf book of activities and toys I found on Amazon, and trash everything else. Books, too. I love books dearly, and hate to identify any as meaningless...but when really intelligent, creative fare stays on the shelf, while various mass market, "flavour of the week" stories with no literary/language or character development value are chosen consistently, I am very tempted to do a purge. I will likely box up anything that came with the boys, which we don't intend to keep out, so that they can later choose what to do with it.

10. I may cave and send my 4 year-old to school part-time. Oh my. All my homeschooling, keep kids at home as long as possible ideals...where have they gone? I never thought I would be contemplating sending a youngster off to JK, especially within three months of joining our family. But a few factors are giving me pause to re-consider my earlier position. Lute does seem to need a bit of work on peer social skills and early academics, which makes me think we might want to do that at home and through mom-supervised community activities. On the other hand, a small dose of school might help things along. I wouldn't mind having teachers' opinions on his language and academic development, either, given that we have been thrust into pre-schooler parenting. It might also be helpful to get to know some other families, observe other kids, and get feedback on his social development as well (in some areas, he has advanced skills in interacting with adults, but I'm not sure how many other young kids he's been around, other than his brother). As well, when Lute was under the weather for a few days recently, it was quite fascinating to observe Kitch come out of his shell in a way we had not yet seen (with us, or when spending time at his previous home). We knew Kitch leaned toward the creative, cute, quirky side of things, but were able to see even more of those qualities when Lute was in the background for a couple of days. Hmm. I had been concerned about separating the boys within such a short time after transitioning here, figuring they have spent every day of their lives together so far...but maybe it wouldn't be an altogether bad idea...Kitch and Lily also seem to connect a bit, and I wouldn't mind seeing them spend a bit of time together as well (Lily was introduced to her brothers only last December, at 9 months old, and had some visits with them before becoming part of their lives full-time with us). I spoke with the principal of the private Christian school I attended, and they have an extremely flexible JK program, with a minimum commitment of one day or two half-days per week (lovely, since most of our public schools are moving toward all-day, every day JK - although technically we should be able to negotiate reduced attendance if we insist). So, we will keep thinking about it. There isn't really a rush to register while the offices are closed, which gives us time to continue observing and discussing.

____________________________________

There are a few of my observations and reflections from our first weeks together. Time does go pretty quickly. I don't know that I feel much differently about things than I did initially - kind of in a one day at a time mentality - but there's really not much I can complain about (other than my lack of a morning nanny).

All three are enthusiastic kids who love to laugh and smile, and spend time with us. They are interested in just about everything, and generally seem to be settling well into new routines. Oh, and I have continued to be really pleased with the mutual child-animal adjustments. Lovely to see a little person perched beside a dog, or summoning a cat, and talking happily about how the cats like them now, or how much they like the animals. The dogs have taken to running with the kids, and Gladwyn, our transforming timid hound, has been running joyfully after balls thrown by the boys. The boys are excited about attending a family wedding this weekend, wearing their dressy outfits, and staying in a hotel. Geoff is also excited to show the kids off a bit more. I will reserve my excitement for after the fact, depending on how things go (I am ushering, so will be pre-occupied for the ceremony). We have also been camping at our trailer, which has generally been going well (took the dogs with us last weekend, which worked out fine). Would be even better if Geoff was around with us all during the day, so we'll just have to keep working toward a completely self-sustaining lifestyle (totally realistic, right)?

Our First Pow-Wow

2011-06-21T21:51:00.005-04:00

At a festival on the weekend, we stopped by a booth of aboriginal jewellery and accessories. The seller and crafter (wordlessly noting our lovely children) let us know about an aboriginal event happening today at the same location, in case we might like to attend.

We have not yet had time for much investigation regarding cultural events and activities, so were very thankful that she thought to inform us.

The kids and I headed downtown just before lunch, and Geoff was able to join us over his lunch hour to watch some of the pow-wow, and browse the vendors' booths. I now have business cards for a couple of jewellery-makers (including a couple who does beautiful silver work), and we picked up a very pretty turtle suncatcher with colours that will blend in beautifully with our decor.

The significance of aboriginal and First Nations culture currently holds little, if any, meaning for our kids, but Geoff and I are very much looking forward to exploring and participating more in activities that will help us learn and connect with the aboriginal community, and which will begin developing a sense of culture and history in our children. A woman at our church, whose partner is First Nations, was at today's festival with her son, who was one of the child dancers in the entry processional. Quite a few dances were "inter-tribal", and therefore open to anyone who wanted to participate. Maybe eventually I will summon the courage to join the circle!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pow_wow

And So It Begins

2011-06-04T20:33:00.005-04:00

Well, the children have been home for a full week now, and we have signed placement paperwork, so are officially on "adoption probation" (finalization cannot occur provincially until at least six months post-placement...which is often more like one year). Everyone has been tucked in for another night, and I am settling in to my too-short couple of hours of down time.

Altogether, things have been going very well, and there really isn't much to complain about. Displays of homesickness from the eldest have actually decreased substantially compared with time spent at hotels and the cottage in their home area. Baby girl has had 4 reasonable nights of sleep here (two of them excellent - sleeping right through the night for 12 hours). The boys have slept soundly, as has been their pattern.

Little brother has been experimenting repetitively with "Mom/Mommy" and "Dad/Daddy". The eldest will use "Silly/Funny Mommy" & "Silly/Funny Daddy" when we're joking around, but is otherwise mostly sticking to our first names for now. Baby girl clearly prefers me. She is happy with Geoff when I'm not in sight, but fusses & reaches for me if I come into view. She very predictably prefers to be held and carried approaching sleep/meal-times in late morning and late afternoon. She turned her face toward my shoulder and tucked her arms in when our social worker reached out for her to see what she would do. She will smile and wave to others during visits, but sticks pretty close to me, and isn't quite as chatty "publicly" as she is when it's just our little family around. I would guess her "attachment" to me at this point may still be a bit insecure, but overall we're happy with what we're seeing. Little brother likes to snuggle a bit and be held (cue Baby girl becoming jealous), and enjoys playing "baby", having me put him in the crib for a rest (during which he closes his eyes and curls up tight). He has asked for a bottle, so we will likely try that for some role-play. The eldest is very physical in his play (rough, too - I've had a couple of wrenched neck incidents and a few bruises), so not as sentimental and overtly cuddly, but requests lots of play-based touch and makes great eye contact when doing so.

We have had some short-ish visits with grandparents, my sister & her girls, and inadvertently with a friend we ran into in the community. The eldest has picked one adult during each visit to which he clings (literally and figuratively), leaning on them/hugging them, asking for them to help him with things (even feeding), and generally being quite demonstrative and dramatic. So, we will definitely have to be very careful about physical boundaries with non-parents and continue lying low for a bit, as well as doing some teaching regarding social boundaries. This is an interesting and tricky situation to analyze. Certainly he is in the early stages of developing his attachment with Geoff and I, and has much further to go. He also appears to be a very extroverted boy - the type of child who might tend to be very excited about new people, and who likes to be the centre of attention (which fits with all the descriptions we have of him). As well, he has spent his entire life in a large, loving family, with multiple teens/young adults around, who all help with caregiving, and with lots of friends and extended family visiting regularly - so he is quite used to meeting people, and having special attention from visitors.

At home, all three are playful and seek out lots of interaction. The boys love new activities and a varied schedule. Baby girl is generally happy to putter around (preferably while carrying around things like glass measuring cups, remote controls, and other non-baby-friendly items). Both Geoff and I are quite tired of "Why???" questions already, and repeated requests/demands for information about meal-times, daily agendas, activities, etc. Much is likely typical older toddler/pre-school stuff, some appears to be temperament & personality, and of course, some could be attributed to learning new routines and rules, establishing who is in charge, etc. It is quite interesting being planted directly into developmental stages where constant explaining, cueing, re-directing, mediating, tantrum-managing, supervising, etc., are required. Baby girl climbs EVERYTHING, so needs to be in sight (and almost at arms length) at all times. The boys are not quite playing for any length of time with any one toy or activity, or doing so independently, at this point. They seem to enjoy each other, but do have quite a few scuffles throughout the day - sharing, negotiating, and thinking of anyone else are definitely not their most finely honed skills and attributes yet.

I am not experiencing panic or a "flight" response as I half-expected, so am very thankful. At the same time, when others talk about how "exciting" this is, I can't say that's the primary feeling I'm experiencing. Sure, it is wonderful in the grand scheme...but I have most certainly not entirely come to terms with a forever farewell to the simple couple-only life we have just left in the dust! The hardest time of day is morning - can hardly fathom how I might ever reach the stage where I welcome those smiling (noisy) faces greeting me far before I am ready to interact with the world. The kids actually sleep to a reasonable time, but even then, I despise all sound and interaction until I am fully alert, showered, dressed, fed, and finished whatever quiet activty (usually internet-based) I have used to tune in to the day. So...when Geoff heads back to work next week, I am dreading the early mornings that will face me if I am to get up & shower while he's home to supervise any early risers, and then the immediate barrage of activity *shudder* when I emerge from my cocoon. So far, I've taken every possible opportunity to have Geoff get up with the kids while I catch a few more winks (until Baby girl started sleeping better, I had good excuses, like less than 6 hours' sleep), shower, and prepare myself to meet the day. Alas, unless someone wants to assist by funding a morning nanny, I don't see any way around this issue.

Anyway, as my precious evening time is passing quickly, I will finish for now. I have been thinking of how to refer to the children on this blog, and have decided to go with their new second names, given by Geoff and I.

Older brother will be Luton (Geoff's grandfather's middle name).
Little brother will be Kitch (for Joy's grandfather, Kitchener).
Baby girl will be an as-yet-undecided diminutive of Catherine (Joy's first name).

Hoping I will be somewhat reliable in documenting our adventures over the next little while. I don't journal (despite trying off and on at various points in my life), so this serves as at least some way of keeping a record for my own future reference), and I have always found it interesting and helpful to continue reading others' adoption experiences after placement. We shall see how it goes!

Family of Five!

2011-05-16T09:43:00.005-04:00

After 3.5 years since officially starting the adoption process, and a myriad of unexpected roller-coaster twists and turns, I am delighted to “introduce” our soon-to-be family of five!

I’m actually typing on borrowed time, here, as we are in the midst of final packing and preparations, hoping to leave within the next couple of hours to spend nearly two weeks in a cottage with the children, in their area.

So, to back up a bit…

After stalling on updating our homestudy and dossier for Ethiopia, concerned about a very long wait for siblings, and reflecting on our adoption “philosophy” in regard to our personal situation, we thought it was time to explore public domestic adoption.

To summarize, we had a couple of other bumps and changes of course traveling this new path, and at the same time experienced an amazing sense of movement and opportunity (and ability to be active in the process) that had not been present while waiting and responding to system changes in international adoption.

I think in part because of all the dead ends and closed doors, I haven’t really posted about our public adoption decision, not knowing where it would lead. Currently, I am still working on believing that this is actually happening, and that in two weeks the hope and goal is to sign placement paperwork!

We have had to hold our breath a few times along the way to the three lovely children we have been getting to know over the past 6 weeks. We attended a provincial event in spring and fall 2010, where public child protection agencies from around the province can come and present children available for adoption. At the fall event, we couldn’t help noticing a sibling group of two toddler boys, and a baby girl – the only children presented by that particular agency. After reviewing the brief profile available at the event, and watching a little video, we opted to formally “express interest” and see whether the children’s agency contacted our agency to obtain a copy of our homestudy for review.

Sure enough, the homestudy was requested, we were given more information, and the mutual decision-making process continued over the next nearly 6 weeks, until just before Christmas. At this point, we completed a final interview, and were sadly informed that the only other family still being considered had been selected.

Sorely disappointed, we turned our focus toward working exclusively with our local agency over the next while, as our worker was optimistic we would be matched quickly. Within three weeks after being officially added to the matching pool, we had a call. We spent another three weeks having meetings and gathering information, and decided not to proceed with this match. We were a bit concerned that we would end up turning down all sorts of matches, knowing that the three we had been considered for in the fall had “spoiled” us in terms of what we were hoping for.

After declining the local match, and being told about some other sibling groups of 3-4 children (which was very exciting to me – I have always secretly, and maybe not-so-secretly, had fleeting thoughts of a larger sibling group, all at once), we were informed that the agency for the children we had wanted to adopt in the fall had been in touch with our local agency, to find out if we were still available. We were asked if we wanted to find out more – and, well, YES, we did!

After another round of information-sharing and gathering, we had another interview, and were again absolutely wanting to be selected. Five very long days after the interview, we got the call! The next day, hardly believing what was happening, we hit the road to spent the weekend in the children’s area, to meet them and confirm our decision.

And it’s been a whirlwind of activity since then (I will not even try to describe the magnitude of the preparations – but there has been no rest for the weary around here lately). We have spent three more weekends, during two of which the children stayed in a hotel with us the whole time. I was away at a conference another weekend, and so we have had just the two past weekends to scramble, getting the house prepared at least in a basic way, and trying to grasp our new reality!

In nearly two weeks, we plan to head home, and the children with come with their current caregivers. The children will stay with us over the weekend, while the caregivers stay in the area. And…depending on how things have gone to date, we may have placement at the end of the month. Wow.

No time to get into all the thoughts and questions bubbling away. I’ve felt too busy to savour this time of transition, and we are just diving right in. One benefit of the busyness lately, is that we are both looking forward to starting this new family life, and moving on.

Oh, just a tiny bit about the kids (this likely won’t be the place for sharing too many details):

Our boys are toddlers:

The eldest is funny, imaginative, intense in both joyful and not-so-joyful emotion. Protective of his siblings, and loyal to the only family he has ever known (yet able to dive in and enjoy his time with us so far).

The little guy loves to imitate his brother, and is generally a pretty laid back, “go with the flow” kind of kid. A bit quieter socially, but busy, busy, busy climbing and inquiring about the world around him. Had a nurturing side, and enjoys being carried and held on your lap.

Baby sister is 1. She has a ready smile and uses her few words freely. Very curious and active, but open to lots of holding as well. Oh…and she growls…which is just about the best baby feature ever, don’t you think?

And that’s the story.

And now I really need to finish packing...

Holding Out

2011-05-13T14:50:00.002-04:00

I think I've previously written about how, when I have lots going on, and lots on my mind, I find it harder to come up with blog posts (despite the massive quantity of information being processed, which would likely make decent writing material).

So, yep, we've had lots going on. And it's time to write about it...almost. But right now, I'm just about finished lunch, and have a chaotic house to organize in the next two days...so I'll try to process some thoughts into written form in the next day or two for you...stay tuned :)

The Land of Eternal Snow (and a mini-sermon)

2011-03-25T12:04:00.011-04:00

Ah, Spring! At last...

Warmer temperatures, and the first signs of...
Oh wait - I can't quite see out there - my vision has gone foggy and white.
Horror of horrors, I am going blind.
Tragedy.

What's that you say?
Snow. Right. All is well.

It is, indeed, Spring. For a couple of days, actually, there was bare earth and grass, and plenty of mud to go around. I have been out a couple of times without a coat, and there are crocus tips nudging their way up and out. So, the season is slowly, begrudgingly, changing.

Since I can do nothing - no, truly nothing - about the snow, I generally make an effort to remain on good terms with it. I enjoy the photo opportunities it provides (and the temporary reduction in mud travelling into my house - floors, rugs, stairs, furniture, me). The degree of snow-related angst folks express seems self-imposed, to a point. To be perfectly honest, the cultural acceptability of complaining about weather and other inconveniences troubles me. I think that attitude can become pervasive, and can also become a standard way of relating to our circumstances. Can we not rise above the external, perhaps even have a sense of humour, and use these things to cultivate a character of graciousness? Is it so difficult to adopt an individual perspective, rather than latching onto the apparent mass mentality?

(A quick qualifier, based on Facebook feedback I received to a similar status update: To those, who like me, have experienced snow-related stresses, mishaps, and unwelcome adventures like car accidents and fallen trees/branches - both of which I have experienced in the snow - I empathize, and do not direct my comments at your experience of those situations. As I also noted on Facebook, clearly any "thing" can be associated with unfortunate events - other generally more welcome activities and circumstances - sunshine, hiking and biking and boating, cooking and woodworking, rain - all these things have unfortunate and even tragic events associated with them...but we do not shun them - we choose to continue making the most of them. We don't complain incessantly about them. And we don't wonder why they are part of our lives.)

Now, back to snow's lovelier qualities...

Ah, snow.

But won't Spring be delightful?

I Like Shrove Tuesday Better Than Lent

2011-03-09T09:47:00.003-05:00

Mmm, fluffy pancakes, real maple syrup, chocolate chips, bacon, blueberries, blackberries, and raspberries. 'Twas a tasty all-in-one dinner & dessert last night!

Now, on to Lent.

Ok, so I have never actually observed Lent. I think I've tried to come up with something to "give up" before (one year in my former, frustrating workplace, I think it was "complaining about work" - which didn't go anywhere). Lent was never really part of our family or church tradition, but seems to have become quite a bit more popular for folks of various church backgrounds. I know lots of folks who do the usual giving up of chocolate, alcohol, and other, often food-related, things. I don't hear as much talk about the other side of Lent - adding or beefing up something (mmm, beef) with a spiritual focus (other than maybe to offer a quick prayer during a bad chocolate craving).

As usual, I haven't given much thought to Lent. But it's been hard to ignore entirely, with folks on Facebook and whatnot sharing their Lenten decisions here and there. And sitting here this morning (yes, yes, I'll start working soon...in fact, if I had been working already, maybe I would have saved myself from the notion I am currently contemplating), my dangerous mind suddenly allowed a distasteful thought to creep in - maybe I should consider NOT purchasing any new clothing items during Lent. What? Brain...stop working...stop, stop! But it kept going - perhaps "non-essential" book purchases should also be put on hold. Now, come on. If there is such a thing as a non-essential book purchase, surely all book purchases are at least noble and completely justifiable. Please???

Uh oh. I feel the shakes coming on already, and I haven't even committed. I am going to have to stay off the computer, walk with my eyes to the ground when in the community, stay OUT of Winners, and keep loud music playing at all times to drown myself out for the next 40 days if this is to be successful.

What about finding a nice, Easter Sunday outfit? I am planning to attend a conference in Ottawa in April...what about out of town shopping opportunities? Ahhh. Need to think this through more.

Although, I did just make an online clothing purchase last night, and I know I really don't need clothes right now. Just wait, though - I'll commit, and then horrible things will happen - like my favourite jeans (out of the very few that currently fit) will rip and have bleach dumped on them, my tops will all accidentally be shrunken, my shoes will spring leaks and tears. A fantastic, one-of-a-kind, limited time only pair of Toms will come to my attention (something like the Ethipia water shoe I missed out on last fall because I thought I should ask for it for Christmas instead of just ordering it for myself on the spot). Oh, the horror.

If I do this, please don't be alarmed if you can't find me for the next 4o days. Huddled in my room, with my loud music, and my eyes tightly closed against the world. Oh wait, I also need to replace my sacrifice with something of spiritual value. Ok, maybe if I sew up a storm of Africa bags (poor, neglected sewing) I might live to tell the tale. Yes, that might just do the trick. Deep breath.

Will keep you posted, or not. It all depends.

Life, Cars, and There You Have It

2011-02-12T13:16:00.006-05:00

What's up with us & snow & ditches & vehicles & smashing up our most valuable cars & being pulled out of snow & ditches by other people's big strong 4x4 trucks?

I've written about how we are hoping to get into a 4WD snow/tow vehicle with enough room for kids & dogs...something like a Suburban or Yukon XL (you know, a truck that can pull other people out of ditches, and be less prone to low-level damage). Trying to do so responsibly, using money from the sale of our Odyssey to purchase the "new" one AND account for increased gas costs, with perhaps even a bit left over to help with a renovation or replacement of the Cabrio when its time comes.

We've narrowed down the options in our preferred price range, and have the ad written up (but not posted) for our Odyssey. It's been inspected by our mechanic, and we just needed to wash it and take the pictures to put it online.

I've been saying/thinking that if we are really going to sell the minivan, we just need to do it before something happens to it.

I've also recently had the thought that maybe we should be driving the old, increasingly-rusty Cabrio more when we're out together (flashback: said the same thing the very day my beloved Civic was totalled nearly 4 years ago, when we took it out instead of the Durango, to save gas and whatnot).

And just yesterday, driving along the spot our 2007 accident took place (not a road we usually have need to take), we reminisced about the accident, and I had a little thought about whether/when we would be in an accident again, since many folks seem to have several run-ins.

So, if we'd had the Cabrio out today, it would most likely be written off, and we'd be getting more for it from insurance (I expect) than we would get from selling it. And I expect we'd have come out relatively unscathed in any event.

But we had the van out, and so now the Odyssey faces somewhere around $5000+ in bodywork (thankful for insurance in that regard), and its resale value has likely gone down by a couple of thousand due to having a major claim (although it will look even prettier with the wheels all buffed up and bumpers fixed & painted). Won't be back up to snuff for at least a couple of weeks, and we're not sure too many folks will be interested in buying a vehicle that was JUST in an accident. So I'm not sure where this leaves us.

It seems that this morning the snow both caused the problem, and prevented a more serious one given the situation. We were slowing toward a stop sign, and another driver was turning right into the oncoming lane. But she had been on a clear stretch of highway, and was turning onto a slick and snowy side-road. She came into the turn, but her car didn't cooperate in the wet snow, and slid into our lane, coming right at us. Geoff pulled to the side to avoid more direct impact, but her car ran all along the driver's side of our van, from bumper to bumper. Then our front end ended up in an icy snowbank (which very well may have kept us from tumbling about 20 feet down an un-guarded ditch/ravine, into a water drainage area (no water in it, but with a big concrete duct protruding from under the road).

Anyway, here we are. So far, feeling ok...I work with folks injured in motor vehicle accidents, and we've been in a fairly significant one before, so we'll keep an eye on ourselves and go from there.

Took the Odyssey for an appraisal with and insurance-approved service centre, and are waiting for the provincial police to pay us a visit to complete the accident report (after driving into the city and finding out that the city police don't handle reports from our area). Hmm, what is the proper etiquette for hosting a constable in one's home...tea? After Eights?

How NOT to Test Drive a Vehicle

2011-02-03T19:53:00.006-05:00

When taking a vehicle for a wintry test drive in the country, the day after heavy snowfall (on top of multiple previous snowfalls), I do not recommend attempting to pull over on the apparently smooth, snowy shoulder in order to switch drivers. No, not even in a substantial 7-passenger 4WD Pathfinder. (If you insist on doing so, at least make sure your test drive has a trailer hitch).

Of course, if you are looking for some drama and are interested in testing the availability of a miracle, then by all means give this a try!

Just so you don't have to find out for yourself, I will tell you that the flat shoulder you are contemplating might actually be many feet of snow concealing a ditch. And your (test drive) vehicle may end up nearly on its side on the slope of said ditch, partially submerged in snow. And your nearby friend with a truck, and nearby mechanic's father with a tow truck, may not be available. And, without divine intervention, your remaining options are to call the dealer or run off into the fields, never to been seen or heard from again. Unless at that very moment, a friendly stranger named Tony pulls up in his Yukon XL (which, ironically, is what we actually would really like to find...either that or a Suburban...and even more so now), and happens to have a tow strap, which works like a charm. In which case, your heart can start beating again, you can brush the snow off your test drive, and get on with your life.

(Edited to clarify: I feel the need to state that I was NOT driving at the time...because it's my blog, and I can tattle if I want to...and in Geoff's defense, I didn't even clue in that danger lurked beneath that innocent, glittering surface...no idea what was happening until the deal was done. And, one other thing: the Pathfinder is super-cool and fun. But I have two big dogs, hope to have at least 2+ kids in the next few years, and don't pack light (who can pack light in Canada, anyway? One never knows if one will need a sundress or boots and a coat). Not sure where most makers of extended SUVs think the cargo and dogs are supposed to go. And yes, I am a fan of minivans - we love our Odyssey. But our other snowy adventures living outside the city are pointing toward 4WD. And I want to use my travel trailer again. So there you have it.)

A Paragraph Here & There Never Hurt Anyone...(and a major digression)

2011-01-13T15:53:00.007-05:00

I just deleted a friendly little comment about breaking large chunks of blogging into paragraphs, so that I will actually read what folks have to write (rather than exiting as quickly as possible due to visual overload).

But that sounds kind of snarky (despite no snarky feelings being attached to it), and really is neither here nor there.

You know, I read lovely, articulate, and thoughtful blog posts all the time. I fancied that mine would generally be the same - I would join this cyber-community of intelligent, prolific writers and thinkers, and become one of them. Actually - stop - I am guilty of revisionist thinking. I really started this blog to provide very business-like adoption updates for family & friends, as an alternative to sending out numerous emails and answering numerous questions (by the way, the blog didn't help with the questions...although they have mostly died off of their own accord due to three years of nothing happening).

Anyway, back to musing about beautiful and meaningful blogging. I could potentially do it, if I put my mind to it. But I tend to suspect that my master's degree work greedily consumed both my aptitude and desire for deep thinking and profound writing. Not sure if it's gone for good, or if I'm just taking a disconcertingly long time to re-charge (as in, over two years).

I suppose I could write about topics that have grabbed my attention here and there (usually thanks to CBC radio as I drive to and from clients). Like the beaver-related flooding threats in Germany (and the Canadian beaver which has populated areas of Finland & Russia so well after being planted there, that the European beaver is unlikely to make a come-back in those particular regions), or the economics of Ikea pricing in Canada vs. the US (and other Canadian pricing differences, and reasons for such, even with an at-par dollar), or perhaps (actually, one of my favourite issues when I worked in hospital-based mental health) limits of confidentiality and individual privacy and duty to warn. All quite fascinating topics, don't you think?

I could also talk about my "plans" to Simplify (capital "S" intended). I have cleared many, many items of clothing from the closet, which are now in a heap the spare room (formerly the nursery, now just a spare room again)...and have also purchased many new items of clothing since Christmas...although far fewer than I have opted to part with...it's a start, right?). And then there is my hope of putting forth the effort to find a humane & organic meat source this year. And to continue making strides toward non-toxic & chemical-free living (did pretty well with that last year, as a sort of resolution). And also the nagging sense that I really need to eat a bit less and start EXERCISING in some regular form (I think the nagging comes mostly from my snugger pants, and the few I basically stopped wearing last year).

Other things I might share, given the inclination, include a confession that I continue to taunt myself with dreams of what I now know to call "un-jobbing" (and that I bought a book along those lines), and also my surprise at how much (as in, all day, every day) I am making use of the IPod speakers we bought after Christmas and put in the kitchen (sort of our main walk-through area on the main level)...which is good, since we totally gave up on the "get a nice, but inexpensive unit" plan and bought the Dr. Dre Beatbox, after realizing the sound quality on everything else (including the Bose) was really not at all comparable (well, except on the nicely-priced and attractive Pioneer which would NOT accept my apparently antiquated IPod).

So, I am not so sure about articulate and meaningful - because as I said, not so much into mental effort these days. Much easier to ramble aimlessly on occasion.

Perhaps soon I will actually write an adoption update, such as it is. We'll see. I definitely do intend to post some Christmas decor pictures, once I find my camera cable (a mystery, since I am very good about keeping all the camera stuff together).

And of course, I will continue reading blogs. So if you feel the need to write a post about bloggers who use run-on sentences, a distracting degree of bracketing, and copious amounts of disjointed drivel (when they finally get around to posting, that is), you can be sure I will see it. And maybe take the hint.

Until next time, then...

On The Seventh Day of Christmas...

2010-12-31T17:29:00.006-05:00

...there are no swans a'swimming, although there are some good puddles of melting snow for someone/thing to enjoy, after a warm day.

Today we have been cozily tucked indoors, with our lights and music, enjoying new reading material. While I always anticipate multiple long days of quiet leisure activity through the holidays, we always seem hard-pressed to find one or two.

Overall, the week has been fuller than we would like, and has involved illness for a couple of folks, but all in all it has been good.

We hosted extended family on Boxing Day, and enjoyed having my aunt, uncle, and cousins with us for a couple of nights. My parents will continue to stay through the coming weekend.

Geoff is currently playing with his new ukulele (an upgrade from the little beginner model we picked up last winter). I have a great deal more to learn about my new wide angle lens (see picture below), but have already quite enjoyed the lovely new tripod I received!

We do not relish the thought of being back to work and home maintenance routines in a few days, so will continue to ignore all that and do the best to make the most of our remaining holidays. Which means I should likely get back to my book (just about to begin the third in the Hunger Games trilogy, which was waiting for me under the tree)...

Hoping folks have had some pleasant and refreshing holiday time, and that the coming year nourishes your soul and draws you closer to the meaningful things in life.

12 Years

2010-12-23T23:31:00.004-05:00

On December 19 we celebrated our 12th anniversary! We were married on a rainy Saturday, which washed away the bit of pretty snow we had been enjoying.

It was the shortest day of my life. I remember most of it quite vividly, and am glad we at least had a nice, long ceremony (hey, it was our party and we were quite happy to make folks sit through an hour of hymns, readings, and musical performances - after all, we only planned to do it once).

The university church/chapel barely needed adornment, with its lovely stone floor and wooden pews, and the bit of cedar garland already there along with a few poinsettias worked perfectly. The reception site (also at the university) also required no additional decorating - lovely wood floors, walls, and tables, wood & leather studded chairs, "house" candelabras, and Christmas decor including a massive tree made for the perfect setting.

Dinner was delicious, and before we knew it, we were changing into our "going away" outfits and heading off into the night.

(On our anniversary this past Sunday, Geoff's parents had asked to meet us in the park after church to take some photos of them in this sleigh, for use with next year's Christmas card...so we had them snap a couple of us as well). It is a good thing we at least have the photos, since the rest of the day was a flurry of Church-related Christmas activity - we managed to open our gifts later in the evening, before heading off to bed for some rest before the beginning of the always-busy week before Christmas!

Speaking of which...I must get to bed tonight, so I have the stamina necessary for Christmas Eve and any remaining preparations. My parents have arrived within the past hour, and the holiday-ing has begun.

Uh Oh (and the Hounds of Christmas)

2010-12-18T21:48:00.004-05:00

I just noticed that it has been over a month since I last posted. It seems the more I have spinning around in my head, the less I can organize myself to put it in writing (maybe I've said that before...I know I've thought it).

Anyway, in a bit of brain muddle right now, too. Just wanted to pop by and say hello to anyone who's still checking in. I have no intention of abandoning this blog, but would like to find some coherence first!

Before signing off for tonight (without having said anything worthwhile), the least I can do is leave you with a little Christmas cheer:

Am I Getting Old?

2010-11-08T21:13:00.004-05:00

I have been reminded, since yesterday's time change, that "gaining" an hour as a result of the "fall back" time change is not as exciting in reality as it seems in theory.

Sure, staying up a bit late Saturday night because it's more like 11:00pm new time, rather than 12:00am old time, is enticing (or was, when I was 14 or so). But the dogs, and sometimes the body, still wake up on the "old" schedule the next day. And by early evening, the "old" body clock is even more evident, as one is ready to wind down by the new 9:30pm, thinking it's 10:30pm. Right now it's 9:15pm on the second day of the time change, and I feel jet-lagged. But I still have a Christmas tree to finish decorating (yes, that is correct. Tree #2 is standing).

"Spring Forward" (e.g., the dreaded going to bed an hour "early" scenario) always seemed like a rip-off...but I'm thinking that might be a nice treat to look forward to.

Theory, Reality, and Acceptable Risk, Part 2

2010-10-25T18:50:00.002-04:00

Way back on June 14, I wrote about risk in adoption, particularly when the parent hopes to adopt a healthy child who is developmentally on target and does not present with significant "issues" overall:

"When signing up to adopt a healthy infant through international adoption, I wonder to what extent adoptive parents REALLY consciously consider the unknowns and say "yes" to those possibilities. You know, anything from attachment issues to genetic/organic developmental delays which might not be immediately apparent, to unknown biological family mental health histories which could surface in our children. I suppose anyone who has a child, no matter how that happens, is saying "yes" to some of those risks, and to others, and hopefully in a conscious way...

...In international adoption, things are complicated in part due to the possibility of very limited family and developmental history, and the inability to meet and interact with a child before adoption decisions are finalized..."

Having dipped a toe or two into the domestic public adoption world, things look different. Essentially every child profile contains at least an inkling of "issues" - whether due to trauma, pre-natal substance exposure, multiple caregivers, developmental and genetic conditions, or other factors. Unlike in international adoption, the "yes" parents say to various possibilities in public adoption is more direct, more intentional. Sure, in international adoption, parents specify openness to possible issues, but I am still thinking more here about the unknowns...the things that cannot be seen or predicted.

Perhaps it is empowering for parents to have this kind of background information about their child. It certainly forces a prospective parent to move beyond the hypothetical "yes", to making an active decision to consider various factors. And at the same time, I wonder if availability of choice also complicates things - causing us to over-think issues or let doubt creep in.

One of the big factors in many public adoption situations is the known, suspected, or unknown (meaning, it cannot be ruled out) use of substances, including alcohol, by the mother during pregnancy. Fetal alcohol-related disorders and symptoms certainly vary from child to child, but can be unpredictable. Long lists of possible difficulties are easily available. And, FASD cannot be ruled out in the early years, even if the child does not currently demonstrate any signs. I will admit that it all sounds a bit frightening.

And then...I consider how serious attachment difficulties, trauma-related behaviours, and other issues can also sound/be quite intense and overwhelming as well. But by signing up for international adoption, I have said "yes" to the possibility of any of these things.

Today, though, I am curious about FASD, mostly because it is something I haven't spent as much time contemplating and researching, having focused more on development, post-birth trauma, and attachment, among other topics. Is FASD more of a monster than developmental delay, trauma-related issues, attachment disorder, or other issues that might creep up unexpectedly? Is it something to say "no" to, even if the answer to the other possible issues is "yes"? And...if FASD seems to big or scary, then I suspect the "yes" to potential attachment and trauma issues should be re-evaluated, too. And I'm not saying it is too much, I'm just wanting to think it all through, and maybe hear some other thoughts.

I have always wanted to adopt. I believe that I realize many of the risks, but don't want those to stop me from experiencing the potential beauty as well. I don't believe we are meant to play it safe and protect ourselves from challenges in life...but I also know we need to be wise, recognizing our strengths, and also seeing where others may be better suited to the task at hand.

It's up for discussion, now, folks...

Thanks, Fall Fair, For Our Annual Self-Esteem Boost!

2010-10-15T13:09:00.006-04:00

As always, the fall fair crept up on us - it's very sneaky.

Thankfully, we have a few things waiting around, finished or nearly finished.

Literally at the last moment, I realized I had way of entering some bags (none of the categories fit...until I realized that three appliqued bags could be a "hobby collection" using the same technique. Yay!).

We ended up submitting:

Joy - Bag collection
Joy - Necksessory (necklace) (see January 27, 2010 post, "In Stitches")
Geoff - Birdhouse
Geoff - Fox (see January 27, 2010 post, "In Stitches") (he also had enough items for a hobby collection, but we would have had to run to my sister's to steal a couple things he made for my niece, and there wasn't time)
Both of us - Photos of various descriptions

I think somebody must have been concerned we'd have it out if there was a prize imbalance between the two of us. We came home with two, first-place ribbons each!

Geoff won for both his fox and birdhouse, and I for my bag collection and marsh photo (See June 26, 2010 post, "Backpacking on the Bay").

When we were dropping off the entries, it appared Geoff had some stiff competition in the garden decor category, and we didn't see many other entries, so weren't sure what else was being judged until after it was done.

I have received a few second-place ribbons and a third or two in the past, for photos and hand-crafts (a cross-stitch sampler which was also a last-minute entry). Geoff has been cleaning up with firsts for his birdhouses the past couple of years.

I used to work with two folks who happen to be on the fair committee (a bit strange, as we border a decent-sized city, and I worked in the city, and this is a large country fair, but not the city fair - although there is one of those, too).

Anyway, I started out submitting photos, for fun, since I take so many of them. (Basically, it gave me lots of excuses to take even MORE pictures. Ok, if you insist)! Then I entered in handwork, and once Geoff started building birdhouses, I encouraged him to enter as well.

I am thinking the time will soon come when we will be competing in the same categories. It's pretty much inevitable. If anyone has great (subtle) sabotage ideas, just let me know.

So, a good time was had by all. I did notice that the best of show photo, and a number of handwork entries, were submitted by someone we know from church youth group, back in the day. And I was up against one of my former colleagues in the hobby collection category for the first time. Just how a country fair should be - just like the old days, neighbour against neighbour!

Now to start researching livestock options to bump it up a notch for next year...

Leaky

2010-10-04T16:53:00.003-04:00

Geoff and I seem to be a bit lacking in observation skills (and what comes after making observations...like knowing when to investigate further and perhaps involve someone else).

Last Thursday we arrived home and noticed a shiny, wet spot in the road (a local highway) in front of our house. Odd. Must be some sort of oily substance which spilled from a passing vehicle or trailer.

Then Sunday there was a big wet area on the road. Odd. But it rained earlier, so must be some sort of low spot.

Then today, still a big wet spot. But no rain. Huh. Whatever, then. Off to see a client.

And apparently I work with water so little (and our water pressure is so poor to start with) that I failed to notice a drop in water pressure. And would likely not have had the wherewithal to link reduced water pressure with wet spot on road. But hopefully I would have. But maybe not.

Then this afternoon there was a water company vehicle in front of my house. And then a utility locator vehicle across the road, putting up little yellow and orange marker flags. Then the hydro truck in my driveway. Hmm...

So, I mustered up a miniscule bit of confidence, grabbed a watering can and headed to the front yard - to make it appear as though I was just out front to water the mums...oh, hello utility locator, had no idea you were here in my front yard...I'm just out watering the mums, as you can clearly see...but since I'm out here, and you're out here...I may as well inquire - looks like some kind of work about to be done?

Well yes, as a matter of fact, there seems to be a water line leak, which will require the road (and some of my front lawn, and the sidewalk) to be dug up. The utility locator man said he figured we must not have any water to the house. But we do (because I likely would have called somebody about that). And then I mentioned something about noticing the spot yesterday (Sunday)...and he said, "Oh, so it was there yesterday, too?" So I didn't mention that it had actually been there since at least Thursday (and that we had just been making up various explanations to satisfy ourselves about this mystery).

Later, the nice water company man came to the door with a notice that water will be shut off tomorrow for about 8 hours, off and on. Hoping I remember to fill the tub tonight for an emergency toilet-flushing and hand-washing supply. And that I remember to shower bright and early. At least I'm on the road a bit for work tomorrow, and will likely avoid most of the construction and lack of water....

Seems the water main across the road looks ok, and that our own personal water line coming off the main is to blame. The water man wondered if we had noticed reduced water pressure. But, as I said, my powers of observation are a bit weak. My brother, however, has noticed it, but has not said anything. The water man commented that this has likely been deteriorating for a long time. Over 10 years, maybe? - because that would be good...it has always been just a little unsatisfying to shower in our house, and we kept blaming things along the lines of old houses and inefficient/odd plumbing networks, etc., etc. I guess we will soon find out.

And this may be the most completely non-adoption-related post ever. But that is to your benefit, since water leaks are way more interesting and eventful than our adoption situation at the moment.

If I Do Say So Myself...

2010-09-27T20:47:00.002-04:00

What you see pictured is our (meaning, Geoff's) first ever attempt at making Ethiopian food (with the help of The Recipe of Love: An Ethiopian Cookbook by Aster Ketsela Belayneh) - we tried split pea, cabbage/carrot/potatoe, and meat dishes (ran out of time to do up a kale recipe, but will try it another time). We cheated with the injera - using a recipe I found at rowanfamilytree.wordpress.com (January 13, 2008) - finding this recipe was my contribution to the process! The use of a cheater recipe is partly because the whole Ethiopian cooking adventure was kind of spontaneous, and we didn't have the ingredients or time available to make our very own fermented and more authentic version (for sure, that's a goal for another time).

So...we are pretty pleased with the outcome (I dare say I was pleasantly surprised that things turned out as well as they did). The look and texture were completely consistent with the real thing, and the flavours were all quite pleasing. The cheater injera had good texture, although the first few turned out a bit thick. Now that we are used to the sourness of the authentic stuff, we missed that, although this particular recipe is likely a good way to introduce Ethiopian food to those who may be a bit apprehensive or conservative in their tastes.

We plan to try freezing a few of the leftovers to see how that works, and if it does, will make larger batches in future since it's a bit time-intensive to make up a number of dishes all at once (Geoff worked on this over two evenings) - cooking up multiple dishes also uses quite a few pots and bowls!

I am very glad that my frequent cravings for Ethiopian can now be satisfied both at home and at our local Ethiopian restaurants - options, options. So lovely. Just wanted to share our experience - and encouraged you to give it a whirl if you haven't yet!

Who Do You Write Like?

2010-09-20T19:15:00.003-04:00

So, I stumbled upon (using www.stumbleupon.com) the following site:

http://iwl.me/

Apparently the site does an analysis of some sample text you provide, and then spits out which known author's writing style is a match.

I entered two different blog posts, which I considered to be quite different in terms of tone and style, and both times I was matched with H.P. Lovecraft. And well, I am curious to read some of his work now. Which sounds very...unusual: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H._P._Lovecraft

So folks, I am interested in hearing who you write like! (Partly in case the program simply spits out Lovecraft for everyone, and partly just out of general curiosity). Happy analyzing...

No Idea

2010-09-14T19:16:00.007-04:00

I could have written this post a year ago (minus a few added details and experiences/complications). Meaning that, after lots more thinking, learning, doing, waiting...we're pretty much (stuck) in the same spot/rut.

I believe I have stated previously that our adoption process started off with a (good) bang: found an agency following years of casually browsing the adoption options and putting off the whole having a family thing, started our homestudy (this burst of initiative came after realizing that there was no reason to do adoption "second", since adoption was for sure something we wanted to do...while there was always some uncertainty about taking the plunge when it came to bio kids), and then were excited to see our agency open a country program which seemed even more perfect for us than the one we had initially planned on joining.

The way things started to unfold, along with some other really neat events (like randomly starting an Africa Bag sewing blitz on a dull long weekend, then selling 60 bags to Facebook friends within one week after posting the bag photo album, plus a generous donation or two), very much affirmed the direction we (thought we) were heading. Even after some set-backs, certain things, like my opportunity to take severance from my full-time job and begin a very flexible EI-insured (yay, parental leave) part-time job (with time to adapt before becoming a parent), finally finishing my master's degree, some good-looking future changes to Geoff's job, etc., seemed remarkably consistent with our goals/plans/projected hypothetical time-frames/laughable assumptions.

But of course, along the way, the country program we chose closed.

So we signed up for another one through the same agency. Then that program started showing warning signs of closure (ok, more than that - it was all but finished).

Then the agency went bankrupt.

Then we felt pretty disconnected from any sense of what to do.

Then we signed a new retainer with Imagine for Ethiopia, because it seemed like the most viable option, and we had a pre-existing interest in the Ethiopia program from early in our adoption adventure, and for some other reasons which make the program and country appealing.

Then we realized (and Imagine confirmed) that sibling referrals were few and far between, and that our age range was way too restrictive (which is ok, since we were planning to change that anyway and had not started our homestudy update).

Then we decided to "check out" public adoption by attending a provincial event profiling children available...especially since we had become comfortable considering a much broader age range.

Then we had a match (which also had lots of possible "signs" this was potentially "meant to be" - and it was practically an international adoption from Africa right here in our own province)!

Then we spent the summer doing pre-placement visits (got as far as setting a placement date) and homestudy updates and private PRIDE training (apparently that is necessary for public adoption even though we started the homestudy in 2007, before it was required for international or private adoptions). (At the same time, Geoff was given his expected promotion...with an unexpected pay reduction - how does that fit with our stay-at-home, possible home-schooling dreams and values???).

Then we surprised ourselves and everyone else by deciding not to proceed with our matched child/ren...just after, of course, doing church and family events and introductions all 'round (long story there, but I will briefly say that we have experienced a bit of the all-too-familiar scenario where if certain questions we asked early on had been answered in full and...accurately...we could likely have saved everyone lots of time, $$, and other inconvenience/disappointment/frustration). Anyway...

So, now we have a homestudy update and are approved for the public adoption system in Ontario.

And we have a file with Imagine for Ethiopia (not updated, and would need another homestudy update for that).

And our Ethiopia travel account/additional agency fees fund is pretty much drained...on top of the $$ not recoverable from the bankruptcy (who knew public adoption could be so expensive, even though it's free?).

(And...I'll just whisper this, because it's not a super-huge thing...but still...our little adoption experience this summer makes me more aware, I suppose, of some potential realities. This whole thing is a bit scarier now. I still believe in it. But it's a bit scary.)

And we have no idea what we're doing. Our CAS worker would like to meet and chat about our thoughts and plans. I'm not sure we have many. I haven't ruled out Ethiopia at all (in fact, that would be fantastic even if we adopt publicly first). And some sibling referrals this summer (actually...see...siblings...that is one thing we are still pretty sure about) were encouraging.

There you have it. And I am pretty sure I could be stuck with no idea indefinitely. Things that can seem like arrows pointing one way, or affirming one thing, can turn out NOT to be anything at all (or at least, not what they seemed to be). I'm back to my usual not knowing whether waiting and doing nothing is the wise choice - just letting things "happen" (if/when they do), or whether acting in small doses, with careful consideration, is necessary and right. If I am pursuing/hacking away at a path of my own making, then I want to be re-directed. But I am not certain how to pick up on direction/re-direction, and don't want to miss out because I wasn't paying attention or doing something I needed to be doing.

Anyway, this is not really a sob story. Picture me more with a question mark (big one) over my head, and a quizzical look on my face. I know that to so, so many of you, this is a very familiar (and maybe only mildly difficult) trajectory. I continue to be thankful for the (mostly electronic) adoption connections with others living their own stories. I root for you all. And, like reading a gripping novel, I eagerly anticipate learning how things unfold...for all of us.

Vacation Re-Cap

2010-09-09T23:07:00.004-04:00

So, two weeks ago we were anticipating the beginning of vacation. I think it actually happened...but wow, 10 days passes quickly.

We got off to a rough start. Some unexpected changes in plans within the two weeks leading up to vacation left us without a clear idea of what to do with ourselves. We didn't have a pet-sitter for the last weekend of August, so we happily drove up to the trailer, thinking we would stay for 5 nights or so. Well, ridiculous temperatures forced us home after 3 nights. It just doesn't seem right sitting inside a trailer (thankfully, it has air conditioning) to avoid the heat, on otherwise sunny days.

Once home, we were indecisive. We had been thinking of heading toToronto for at least a day or two, having wanted to get to Canada's Wonderland since last year (a plan foiled by last summer's vertebral fracture). But the temperature there was going to be HOTTER than what we were trying to escape. Our long weekend plans involved heading to Lion's Head with friends (thanks to her parents' generosity and lovely living location with views of Georgian Bay). For Geoff in particular, getting away for a few days promises a better chance of having a real break from the everyday. So...eventually we decided to head to the metropolis of Owen Sound. From there, we would be near our Labour Day weekend destination, and without doing much planning we figured there would be a bit of shopping, lots of nature, and some recreational biking opportunities.

It worked out well. During our 3-night stay, we managed a bike-based tour of historical landmarks in the city (I found information on the 'underground railroad' particularly interesting). We also biked out to Inglis Falls (a little bit of work in the heat which followed us - albeit much better than what we were experiencing closer to home - on a cruiser bike...although my back and behind were super-comfy). On Day 2 we decided to start out on the Tom Thompson trail - a cross-country gravel bike/walking path running from Owen Sound to Meaford. We figured that 45km one way was a bit much to contemplate (seeing as we are not in the habit of distance biking, and would have had to get back again the same day), but agreed to turn around at some point. So, we started out. And my quads were toast. We switched bikes (Geoff looked quite cute on my cruiser with his bright yellow mountain biking helmet), and I took advantage of the power positioning on his mountain bike to get a lot further. But it was lots of work for both of us, and we turned back after 10km. Only to realize that we had been on a nearly-invisible incline the whole way. We flew back to Owen Sound in the blink of an eye, wishing we had pushed ourselves further. But we managed to spend a few more hours out enjoying trails around the sound, and having a picnic-ish lunch just as rain began. So all in all, not too bad.

Day 3 involved browsing the downtown shops and meandering up to Tobermory, where we did more browsing and had supper before heading to Lion's Head. Lots of chill and rain over the long weekend, but our accommodations were cozy, time spent with friends was a pleasure, and there were enough breaks in the rain to get outside. And I finished off my October book club pick, so that was just fine by me!

Sunset

2010-08-25T17:14:00.004-04:00

August 21, 2010

The end of an interlude

Lingering on the moment

Before awaiting sunrise

Now This Looks Interesting...

2010-08-13T14:32:00.002-04:00

Here's my book club pick for October, (and hey, if anyone wants to join in a cyber-club of sorts, perhaps I will start some discussion on it in October through this blog...just a thought).

Couldn't resist the whole Burma/Karen refugee theme, and the quirky descriptions of it. We shall soon see if it was a worthy choice:

Saving Fish from Drowning by Amy Tan

http://www.amazon.ca/Saving-Fish-Drowning-Amy-Tan/dp/0399153012/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1281723853&sr=8-2

(But first I should likely work on the September book, The Elegance of the Hedgehog)

Who is the Lucky Secret Pal?

2010-08-05T14:20:00.007-04:00

Better late than never, I hope!

Never fear, Secret Pal, this little messenger bag is on its way to you at last:

I am pretty sure the sewing machine has not seen the light of day since just before our Thailand trip in March. So, so sad. The house has been in upheaval, and I have not had a sewing spot for months. Now that the front porch winterization and set-up is nearly complete, I am anticipating the joy of having a dedicated crafting space!

I really enjoy sewing, and while getting out a bunch of "stuff" to whip this bag up seemed daunting at first, things came together quite smoothly in the end. And it was refreshing to work on the project, and get it all finished up - the same cannot surely be said about most of the other things I have on the go at the moment.

Ahh.

Oh Sure, I Have Better Things to Do, But...

2010-08-03T21:56:00.003-04:00

...instead of doing something better, tonight I am posting about listening to oneself on video.

Because that is as deep as I can get right now. Ya know, just under an hour ago, I received an email about a meeting I was supposed to show up for tonight, which had already ended.

That pretty much sums up my brain function right about now.

So, listening to oneself on video. Always an interesting little exercise. While I have long been aware that my voice sounds unlike the voice I hear when I speak, tonight I was realizing that this woman, whoever she is, sounds pretty darned Canadian, or more like, Kin-ae-dien...eh...

And while this post would be worth a lot more (and perhaps even mildly interesting) if I actually posted the video clip, it seems I lack the skill necessary to do so. So you will just have to take my word for it.

You will also have to do without my intended words of farewell for the evening, because they involved certain forms of punctuation, and earlier my computer did the thing it does sometimes (which might be an accidental key hit on my part, but which I have never figured out), and is inserting letters with French accents instead of apostrophes and brackets and whatnot. Not about to re-start the laptop just to fix that little glitch at this time of night. So, good night.

Has Anyone Read This? Looks Interesting!

2010-07-28T13:58:00.001-04:00

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

http://www.amazon.ca/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0676974724

From Publisher's Weekly:

Like countless other parents, Canadian doctors Neufeld and Maté woke up one day to find that their children had become secretive and unreachable. Pining for time with friends, they recoiled or grew hostile around adults. Why? The problem, Neufeld and co-writer Maté suggest, lies in a long-established, though questionable, belief that the earliest possible mastery of the rules of social acceptance leads to success. In a society that values its economy over culture, the book states, the building of strong adult/child attachments gets lost in the shuffle. Multiple play dates, day care, preschool and after school activities groom children to transfer their attachment needs from adults to their peers. They become what the authors call "peer oriented." The result is that they squelch their individuality, curiosity and intelligence to become part of a group whose members attend school less to learn than to socialize. And these same children are bullying, shunning and murdering each other, as well as committing suicide, at increasing rates. The authors' meticulous exploration of the problem can be profoundly troubling. However, their candidness and exposition lead to numerous solutions for reestablishing a caring adult hierarchy. Beautifully written, this terrific, poignant book is already a bestseller in Canada.

Backpacking on the Bay

2010-06-26T21:59:00.005-04:00

Hard to believe I've already been home for a full week since the now-annual 3-day girls' backpacking on the Bruce Trail adventure. We had the absolute most perfect weather EVER this year - could literally not ask for anything better. Warm (but not hot) during the day, with a consistent breeze - wonder of wonders. And no rain. Makes such a difference - so much less sweat-dripping, head-pounding suffocation while struggling along with 35 pounds on the back during hot and humid conditions! I had my very own brand new tent this year, which worked out very well (bought the extra-long version of the REI Half Dome 2 - the 2 "Plus" - so that I can sleep with my feet on the sleeping pad rather than on my pack. No particular misadventures - other than a seagull yanking my pepperoni stick from my hand and then saucily devouring it right in front of me. I now have an arch-enemy with amazing super-powers. All I could do was try to stare him down so he didn't steal something else.

Gorgeous sunsets and great views from the rocky beaches where we camped along the way:

At some point during the hike I invariably wonder what on earth I was thinking, doing this thing I detest so completely. And then I usually recover a bit (well, except for year two. That was tough all the way along), re-group, and continue on. Felt so good the third day, I could have gone a little further. But getting the pack off and rinsing off in the lake which greeted us was nice, too!

Been a BUSY week since the hike. We are presenting on our Thailand trip at church tomorrow, and I spent many, many, many hours choosing and inputting over 200 photos into Powerpoint. We are desperate to organize things at home a bit. After breaking a vertebrae part-way through last summer, changing jobs a year ago, and then having septic "renovations" this year, the yard, gardens, and house are in some chaos. I thought working half time would mean lots of accomplishment at home...but so far I keep spending those days off preparing for trips and presentations, cleaning, "researching" and taking care of personal business, socializing, etc. It's also time for that home study update we've been postponing since choosing Ethiopia. Not going to get any further with this adoption business with an outdated dossier and homestudy. Still trying to come up with a final and concrete decision around our age and sibling request, but I think we're getting there. Will be nice to have things settled again for a while (as settled as it gets in adoption, anyway).

Theory, Reality, and Acceptable Risk

2010-06-14T21:00:00.004-04:00

Having some deep thoughts here.

When signing up to adopt a healthy infant through international adoption, I wonder to what extent adoptive parents REALLY consciously consider the unknowns and say "yes" to those possibilities. You know, anything from attachment issues to genetic/organic developmental delays which might not be immediately apparent, to unknown biological family mental health histories which could surface in our children. I suppose anyone who has a child, no matter how that happens, is saying "yes" to some of those risks, and to others, and hopefully in a conscious way. Generally, is it that we hope for the best, and figure we will cope with the worst if it happens? I suspect that it is really difficult to dig deeply into ourselves in regard to these issues and questions when everything is so hypothetical - "if" and "when" we eventually adopt we will "hopefully" and "most likely" have a healthy child, with no major surprises. At some level we (meaning we adoptive parents) must know that we could eventually be living with some pretty serious stuff, or at least some stuff we had not ever pictured ourselves living.

In international adoption, things are complicated in part due to the possibility of very limited family and developmental history, and the inability to meet and interact with a child before adoption decisions are finalized. And, so far we have said "yes" to all that. All those unknowns. And maybe it is somehow comforting to know that "what will be will be" - We signed up, but after that, the matching - with the little person or people who end up becoming our children - is out of our hands. We can only trust that an appropriate match is made based on the information available.

But what about when something shows up in a referral (or domestically, as more information is gathered about a proposed child, or one identified through a photolisting) that is a little (or a lot) outside of our initial scope, based on what we felt comfortable with, or how we pictured our child?

How do parents decide their "actual" limit when faced with a scenario involving a specific child - one whose face and identity are known, and who has been identified as a possible match? What then?

I really do believe that to adopt, parents must recognize and be OK with unknowns, and with various issues that reflect where our children have come from so far. But that's relatively easy to do in theory. Reality, however, may be different. In theory, to say that your child "could" end up with a lifelong developmental disability, or conduct issues, or a mental illness - that is one thing. When something is flagged with a specific child, that gets complicated. What if the child has lots of qualities and characteristics you like, but also presents with an issue you really never would have actively sought? Does that automatically mean the opportunity should be passed over? I doubt it...but I am sure that deciding where your limits actually lie could be a pretty tricky thing.

On one hand, stretching original boundaries could be totally appropriate, if you spend time working through thoughts and feelings, and any tweaking of your concept of child and parent, family and future, and realize that you are comfortable moving forward. In life, I fully believe that we sometimes need a bit of a push outside our self-imposed limits to experience things we would never have chosen on our own.

On the other hand, you are still making a theoretical decision. You have no way of knowing how you will actually feel, or what life will actually be like, if you move forward with this child. You don't want to end up resenting that you stretched your original boundaries. You don't want to be caught up in a moment, perhaps not wanting to let this match go because there are things that seem good or appealing about the child, or because you don't want to say "no" and let others down, or because you feel selfish saying that you really don't want to take on this unexpected issue (it's not you, dear child, it's me, the self-centred adult that I am who wants a "perfect" son or daughter according to my pre-conceived definition), or because you have some idea that this is your "chance" to become a family, and don't want to let it go.

When the illusion of the ideal child fades in the light of reality - even if that reality is still just on paper - and you realize this is a real child with real issues, how do you discern which issues are OK, and which are legitimate reasons to close the door and move on? You don't have to say "yes" when theory becomes reality. But you don't want to say "no" flippantly, either. What if that controlling, instigating behaviour isn't at the core of a child otherwise described as kind and polite and thoughtful, and can be overcome? But what if it is...what if it is so rooted that there will be more and bigger issues...? What if the developmental delays are life-long, and will impact education and career planning...but what if they're not? What if you say "no" to a wonderful child who would do really well in your family, or "yes" to a child whose troubles overshadow them and your family in painful and difficult ways? What is acceptable risk, and how do parents make that call?

Over to you...

Pick Me!

2010-06-04T17:14:00.002-04:00

One of the things I hadn't really thought about, having gone the route of international adoption, is the whole idea in domestic situations (including at least some public adoption scenarios), of the "Profile" - which it looks like we will need to be doing if we step further into this new territory.

I think it's much less stressful to let others write homestudies and reference letters, trusting they've done their best to paint a truthful, compelling picture of us, than to come up with something ourselves. So much pressure! Thinking that the photos and words we choose can directly impact someone's decision to consider us or not! Makes me feel a bit queasy. Even more queasy than the thought of social workers meeting my two, barking hounds at the door. "Really, they're friendly...look at all these pictures of them resting quietly and hanging out with people"

One thing I liked about sticking with the same international adoption program and process was that the uncomfortable stuff - meetings, visits, etc. - was all over. All except the outdated medical forms, which need to be re-done no matter what, which are on the agenda for next week. Guess 'tis the price to be paid for expanding opportunities.

Now, I'm off to sift through hundreds of photos for just the right ones (you know, enough variety to tell a story, but not an overwhelming amount), and come up with the right blend of sincere (but not sappy), enthusiastic (yet not alarmingly so), creative (but balanced...not misleading..."look at all those daily fun adventures!..."), engaging (but not pushy...just trying to be ourselves...but not boring either), comprehensive (but also concise...not my forte), inspired written content to go along with the pictures. But first, an energizing snack, and maybe a nap.

Retreat, Renew, Resume

2010-06-03T12:45:00.006-04:00

Ah, the campground. Our summer retreat. Last year was our first experience having a seasonal site to visit whenever we wanted, and it was lovely. I had just made the transition to part-time work, which made weekends away a nice break, rather than a source of increased stress being away all the time. I had a couple of days off at home, then a couple at the campground. Geoff, while working full-time, loves this as a way of making the most of down time, and really relaxing. Home, sadly, is a hard place to relax. Ok, I can do it (although often with some guilt about all the tasks and projects I can see vying for my attention), but Geoff is a busy type, not one to while away the time at home when there is work to be done. So, we hit the campground, even if just for a quick Friday night through Saturday visit (during May-June and September-October we feel pretty committed to being at church every week - July-August we give ourselves permission for more full weekends away, and we can attend church at camp if we get ourselves up and ready, which is a cozy, rustic experience taking place in a large shed-like building). Anyway, bottom line is that we have been making good use of our trailer!

Retreat is important, isn't it? That mental and physical space, removed from everyday chores and "to do" lists. The time to read, talk, reflect, and focus. We have had some worthwhile adoption-related discussion and reading on these weekends in addition to leisure time and (mostly satisfying) outdoor projects on our camp-site. While I'm not sure I feel great about being so undecided about our adoption plans for the past many months, we do seem to be united in our indecision. Hmm. Trying to see the up-side!

Anyway, we have talked about lots of options and possibilities, and we are both of two minds at the moment. One is that we are still committed to our Africa adoption goal. The other is that, after living so much uncertainty with international adoption programs, we may not want to be quite so exclusive in our adoption process at this time. So, we have been tip-toeing into learning about things like public domestic adoption. We are currently in a more specific exploration/decision-making/waiting process in that regard. Lots to discover, ask, etc. Not wanting to make any unnecessary changes or rush any decisions along the way, but wanting timely responses and information to know whether, or whether not, to move along with anything new. Other options can still be long and complicated as well, so patience and fortitude are still necessary! And...along with progress, or potential progress, I see signs of distraction, nuisance obstacles - nothing big so far, but those little things that creep up to get in the way of clarity, peace, and even pleasure in the process. At least, I suppose, I am starting to recognize the pattern, and to expect it. Hopefully that makes it easier to more effectively respond to the distractions and set-backs as they come.

After 2.5 years+, three countries, and various updates along the way, we are doing more thinking than we did before starting out. Things seemed so simple - do a homestudy, sign up, and wait for a referral. Some of the reflecting I have done recently has lead me to realize that our early dive into adoption, while sincere and based on a true commitment to adoption, was perhaps also romanticized, limited in scope and possibility, and certainly somewhat naive. Through the waiting and change, we have been able to examine our adoption motives, interests, and decisions more critically. I really believe that whatever route we take from now on (even if little changes in fact and detail) will be more intentional, better-informed, and more reflective of who we are, and why we chose this journey toward family, deep down, in the first place. And that will ensure our adoption, when it happens, takes into account everything that is important to us and the reasons why we are doing this. Perhaps more on that in another post - but I am referring to issues like choosing an age range, choosing a country, identifying particular "special needs" we are and are not comfortable considering - so many things we didn't know about or consider when we started out, but which could lead us to a more exciting and fulfilling conclusion, again, if only because we are more certain and intentional about what we are doing.

So, currently, here are our hopes and prayers:

Patience and peace for the waiting, even savouring the moment, realizing that at some point things may change quickly - just letting each day come and go as it will.
Timely responses - yes, we want to be patient while waiting, but it would be lovely if there are a minimum of unnecessary delays in information-gathering, communicating, decision-making, etc., from this point forward
Logistics - we cannot possibly predict or strategize how pieces of our puzzle will come together. One factor impacts another, and we have to allow the unknown domino effects to happen as they will, also hoping and praying that details and situations come together in workable and lovely ways
For the "right" to prevail - for obstacles or distractions to be powerless to inhibit what "should" be, or to prevent enthusiasm, hope, and clarity of purpose
Wisdom and discernment, in asking good questions, and in considering what is the path to travel at this time - to understand that which we need to learn/sense/hear, and to invest our energy and time where it will be best used - what to read, what options to delve into further, what to discuss, who to consult with...
Acceptance of this process, and of the knowledge that we really can't predict where things are headed (as we have seen over the past 2.5+ years) - and then resting in that as contentedly as possible, with expectation

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
therefore He will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are those who wait for Him.

Isaiah 30:18

Glimpses

2010-05-28T16:33:00.005-04:00

Sorry, this won't be very informative...in fact, it may simply be confusing (which kinda reflects our thought process, so fair enough).

Not much to say, but there may be a little hint of movement in our epic decision-making journey...

Had an interesting chat today.

Seems that as soon as we started challenging ourselves about our adoption plans to date, we became open to so many decisions, possibilities, avenues...and it all got very confusing. When considering one idea, we have then been faced with all the other potential, hypothetical consequences (good, bad, and neutral). Trying to play out various scenarios, and weigh various desires and interests, almost always takes us in circles. Sometimes it seems pointless (and certainly, over-thinking things is not helpful), but letting the mind linger here and there can, I think, help sort out what is MOST important and desirable, deep down.

Tricky though, since what is deepest and truest in our desires and motives often seems most intangible, revealed in fleeting sensations, or broad perspectives that just maybe tell us something about ourselves.

Siblings

2010-05-14T13:50:00.004-04:00

Right now, I am feeling thankful that we have not updated our homestudy to reflect our country switch to Ethiopia. If we had done so, we might soon be doing so again.

I suppose, in all the "not knowing what to do" of recent days, that the one thing we are perhaps doing, which needed/needs to be done, is sitting still and waiting. I have been feeling that doing the paperwork for the country switch was not yet necessary (despite also fearing that I would let a decade go by without doing anything...and watching my life pass by in blandness for lack of action). Today we received an email from our agency outlining the pattern of sibling referrals since restructuring, and providing a bit of history regarding sibling referrals pre-bankruptcy. The numbers are not encouraging.

This means we need to consider a few things - like whether we will continue to request siblings (which we really want to do), whether we want to increase our age request (which we have been considering very seriously - not just in response to a slow wait, which would be a poor motivation for making such a change), whether there are certain "special needs" with which we are comfortable (sometimes medical conditions which can be easily managed or corrected here), and so on.

The agency cannot predict or explain referral trends in regard to child referrals, but the pattern in their experience with the Ethiopia program has been very few available siblings, particularly babies and young toddlers.

If this had been a complete surprise, I would likely be more troubled right now. As it is, we have been watching nothing happen in regard to sibling referrals, and have been wondering what our adoption process will look like, so it is simply confirmation that there is a bit of an issue.

Good thing I'm already wearing my thinking cap.

Who Am I? On Naming, and Being Named

2010-05-14T12:40:00.005-04:00

MIDDLE NAME GAME:

- What’s your middle name?

- “Joy”

- No, your middle name.

- “Joy”

- You’re Joy Joy? (I will refrain from commenting further on this..and yes, it actually happens)

- “No, Joy is my middle name” (stated clearly and patiently)

- Then, what’s your first name?

- “Catherine”

- Weird, I never knew your real name was Catherine! (Variation: Wow, so you’re really a Catherine! – or, worse yet - So, Joy isn’t your real name?)

And yes, I do let the conversation run like that, rather than helping people out right from the start even if I can see where things are headed. I like to know what type of person I am dealing with :)

Allow me to introduce myself: I am Catherine Joy.

Sorry, should I have told you to sit down first? Well, after dusting yourself off, and planting yourself somewhere safe, feel free to continue reading about the fascinating issue of “going by your middle name.”

After reading a bit of adoption board discussion around naming and re-naming children, I decided to do a little “research” to see what I could find about using middle names in everyday life (to clarify, the adoption discussion is not what I am responding to – that was simply interesting – I am moving away from that friendly & innocent chat, into my own off-shoot, in which I may have some stronger sentiments to express).

THE CULTURAL GAP:

I have always been amazed that some people truly don’t seem to have been exposed to others who “go by” their middle names. And I have generally been mildly amused by people’s responses when they learn my big secret. But I am beginning to realize there is a much deeper cultural system involved. That I am part of a sub-culture - a cultural minority – and that I actually cannot grasp the meaning of this phenomenon to people in the majority culture (e.g., those who go by their first names, particularly those who have little/no exposure to people who go by their middle names).

It makes me wonder: did I miss the mandatory pre-kindergarten class where everyone except me learned that first names are “real” names, and middle names are…fake…or that people who go by middle names are like some sort of fantasy creature come to life…something you can’t possibly be prepared for, so there will be no way to mask your confusion and surprise if and when you actually meet someone like this?

Maybe while everyone else took that class, I was in the “How Not to Act Shocked or Uninformed When You Are Exposed to Something Different Than Your Own Personal Experience” session.

I have actually enjoyed going by my middle name. I don’t mind being a bit “different’ (although am sometimes surprised by how “different” some seem to think I am as a result of this name business). During name discussions, I often begin to sense that I am interacting with someone whose cultural experience is very different than mine. Folks who seem totally comfortable with the fact that they are surprised, and even confused by my name situation – as if I am the strange one. I, on the other hand, feel a mixture of embarrassment toward the OTHER person for their apparent simplicity of mind (sorry, kind of), and mild annoyance at their seeming inability to grasp something so…clear.

THE TRUTH, AS I SEE IT:

Most of us have two given names (some more, some less). I simply grew up knowing that, and knowing that a person was generally called by one name or the other. I don’t recall being surprised even to learn that some people go by neither – perhaps some variation or traditional alternative to one of their given names, which is not always a direct short form – the John who is called “Jack” scenario, for instance). These truths are just part of my experience.

PERSPECTIVES ON USING THE MIDDLE NAME:

This so-called research was not exhaustive, but a few forums, including an extended discussion at babycenter.com seem to capture the primary perspectives and opinions I found online regarding the use of middle names in everyday life.

I Don’t Get It

“I know of a few girls my age whose first name by law is Mary, but they use their middle name as their first name. I was just wondering if anyone here knows the tradition behind this? I understand it could be a family namesake, and they use their middle name so as not to confuse family members. Or is it because they don’t really like their first name and choose to go by their middle name.”

Comment: I need to point out that both the first and middle names are lawful, if they are on the birth certificate (and they are both “real” – just as adoptive parents are “real” parents…just had to throw that one in there). One does not generally use a middle name by actually calling it a first name (unless filling out a form which does not require a full legal name, perhaps, and just putting the “called by” name in the first name space). The middle name is a middle name. One may go by either the first or middle name – going by the middle name does not have to be considered using it as a “first” name. And in regard to why people go by middle names…there’s not really any big mystery, and there is more than one explanation. I could ask, “Why do people usually go by their first names? Is there some rule about that in their culture or family? Do they hate their middle names? Was the name order given on purpose? Have they always used their first names?”

“Funny…in class…the professor was calling role and got to Megan, and she said she goes by Paige. I was like, how…do you get Paige from Megan? [Now I realize] Maybe it’s a middle name.”

Comment: Um, yes. Perhaps it is. You really didn’t consider that possibility until stumbling upon a middle name discussion?

“I was shocked to learn that one of my oldest and dearest friends from childhood (Sam) is actually James. I laughed so hard because I couldn’t believe that I knew someone for so long and had no idea that they had a different name!”

Comment: Keeping my mouth shut.

What a Pain

“Blech, not my style at all. I mean, really? What’s the point in setting up your kid for a hassle their entire lives?”

Comment: I have never felt “set up” or “hassled” and…”blech”??? Is it yucky to use a middle name?

“Don’t do it!!!!!!!!! I go by my middle name and it’s a total pain, especially now that everything is computerized.”

Comment: I am sorry that something like this is so stressful.

“I hate when I go somewhere, like the doctor’s office, and my insurance card doesn’t match my file and I eventually have to go into this long story [about my grandmother and mother’s names, and the pattern of names in my family]…”

Comment: Then don’t go into a long story. I automatically provide both names when I introduce myself at appointments, simply explaining that my record may have one, the other, or both. And if I am called by my first name, I either go along with it (which is interesting, knowing this person thinks of you by a name you don’t normally go by), or quickly clarify that I use my middle name. On forms requiring both names, I circle my middle name as a cue. I actually have more trouble with my hyphenated last name than my first/middle name situation. Now that is another discussion altogether…my last name starts with the letter of the name before the hyphen…not so tricky. The name before the hyphen actually counts. Moving on…

No Big Deal

“My older brother goes by his middle name. He always has. As far as I know it just mildly shocks people when they find out. It hasn’t ever caused him any issues.”

Comment: True…and it is mildly amusing that people are so easily “mildly shocked.”

“I teach school and there are always at least two kids each year who go by their middle names…it’s not a big deal to me.”

“My youngest daughter does by her middle name, but it wasn’t something we planned at all. Her given name is Caroline Margaret, with Margaret being after my grandmother. My grandmother died shortly after my daughter was born and we just sort of started calling her Margaret and now she will tell us adamantly that her name is Margaret, not Caroline.”

“It hasn’t really been an issue…the first time we go to classes, preschool, or doctors, we have to tell them to make a note, which isn’t a huge deal.”

“My husband does by his middle name and always has. He signs documents “John T.” but goes by Tom. It hasn’t caused any real problems, and most people don’t even know he goes by his middle name.”

Comment: And I just sign using my first initial and full middle name along with my last name (pre-hyphen last name included…because it is a real name, too – just look at my ID).

“I have always gone by my middle name, and my daughter goes by her middle name. And if our next one is a boy, he will go by his middle name. Why? Well, my mother wanted to name me after my grandmother but not call me by that name, and the names just sounded better with “Susan” (the name I go by) in the middle. And if it were such a hassle would I have done it to my daughter? No, I would not. We named our daughter after out two grandmothers, one of whom is Ann. We thought that name was a little too common for our taste, so we call her by the other grandmother’s name, but Ann just sounds better first.”

“It is only mildly confusing when you’re, say, getting a prescription filled or on the first day of school. Other than that, the people who know you call you by the name you go by, and it’s very easy to tell when a telemarketer who’s just pretending to know you is on the phone!”

“My daughter goes by her middle name and I don’t think it is at all confusing or a hassle. She uses first and middle names on medical stuff but everyone should do that anyway. A few people call her by her first name and she knows what it is so she answers. At school, it has her first and middle names, but most teachers know her by her middle name before she gets to the class, but she can always tell them she goes by her middle name. I just don’t see where it would be confusing or a hassle. I’ve taught for over 10 years about 100 kids per year and about ¼ of them go by their middle name or a short version of their first name.”

“My husband and I are both prime examples of going by our middle names. We are both named after our parents and it has always been easier for us to go by our middle names instead of the first names our parents go by. I don’t find this strange or weird. And never have I had an issue of confusion.”

Comment: Thank you.

“They are BOTH her names and I imagine if she likes using her middle name as the name to address her as she gets older, she’ll want to stick with it. I don’t know why it would cause confusion since it’s part of her full name.”

Comment: Yes, yes, and yes!

SUMMARY & CONCLUSION:

Could I have been doing something more productive with my day than organizing this long blog post? Yes.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

Please teach your children that there are many ways of naming and using names. Even if they go by their first names, if properly informed, they will appear very smart when they meet people who use their middle names, and may make new friends from a different name culture! Better yet, call your children by their middle names – we’re pretty cool people :)

Never a Dull Monday...Especially When Septic Renos Are Involved

2010-05-10T17:18:00.008-04:00

Monday could usually win worst day of the week award in my book. Dull would normally describe it to a "T"

I find them long, tedious, and emotionally draining. Every fibre of my being resists being back to work (yes, even in my "good" job - really have no reason to complain - either hit the road to visit clients, or sit at home in sweats while working on reports or the millions of miscellaneous 5-minute tasks which eventually manage to equal 7.5 hours...), "trapped" at my computer, fighting a day-long urge to do anything other than job-related activities. 7.5 hours typically takes more like 8 or 9, once I add up time spent taking mini-breaks, getting food, letting dogs in & out, etc. And getting an early start is not really something with which I am familiar. While it is usually a bit stressful late on a Monday afternoon, I am thankful that we have been heading out for dance lessons around 6:00pm, because I need that deadline. (And yes, it is just Monday - Tuesdays, and my typical half-day Wednesdays are not so bad, but Mondays have resulted in full-blown existential crises on more than one occasion). I don't even have to work Monday, really, but the thought of Thursday & Friday off at the end of the week keeps me motivated enough to slog through.

Anyway...today was not a typical Monday.

I ended up working a couple of extra hours last week, and have a full Tuesday & Wednesday ahead, so really only had to work a half day (less, actually, given the extra hours to my credit). Turns out this created an ideal scenario, since I had a call at 7:15am (yucky) from our contractor friend, saying he'd be here around 8:00am with the guy doing our septic bed re-build. Ok...so be it. Squeezed in another 45 minutes of sleep (yeah, I'm that bad in the mornings), and got up just before the dogs sounded the alarm that people were in the back yard. So, between getting some work done (ended up fitting in over 5 hours somehow), chatting with contractors, paying septic pump-out guy, accepting a work-related delivery, refereeing dog interactions (contractor friend brought his young basset along for the day - and all three dogs have been a little disgrunted being inside most of the time, and, my two didn't warm up to Sydney as quickly today, being out of sorts with all the commotion), cleaning up after guest dog (managed both bowel & bladder functions, plus vomit, all in the house...but she is cute), photographing the transformation of my back yard for the renovation visual history books, it has been quite a day.

The backhoe is still hard at work, and Geoff is out there with the team, so looks like we'll be skipping dance tonight. One interesting side-effect of this septic project (building a new weeping bed in a new location - from the side, near the tank, to the very back centre of the yard) is that we now have to re-build the entire back yard lawn. Ok, it has never really been the best lawn around - bumpy and weedy. Sadly, though, the parts dug up today were the sunniest, and therefore grassiest areas we had. Mixed feelings about that one. We're cheap when it comes to lawn maintenance - if it's relatively green, it can be bumpy and weedy - there are other projects I find much more exciting. But I can probably get into the idea of this (especially if we do a package landscaping reno and fix up the flower beds with rock and whatnot, like I've been wanting to do).

Which reminds me - if anyone has great ideas for super low-maintenance but striking gardens, feel free to share! I originally had romantic notions of cottage-style gardens, and have realized my taste is for something a little more crisp and clean in my own yard. This is after nearly a decade here, with over-zealous and fairly random planting of a little bit of everything without a particular plan (other than the actual outline of the gardens). Thinking river rock and ornamental grasses - kind of Zen, but suited to an older, Craftsman-style house. I think it will work...really. Especially if I admit that garden design may not be my greatest gift in life (sad, but true) and partner with a professional.

All right, off to finish up one or two little work tasks, and call it a (Mon)day.

All Over the Map

2010-05-05T16:47:00.002-04:00

That's me.

My body is going through the usual routines of daily life, but my mind is flitting about everywhere.

Since getting back from Thailand, my brain has very seriously taken up my more general idea of re-focusing on the adoption plan , and seems to be running on overdrive. Re-focusing on the adoption involves considering when to update our documents for Ethiopia (fingerprints and medicals have expired, and a few things need to be re-done for Ethiopia rather than Ghana, having a homestudy update to do the country switch to Ethiopia, deciding whether to make any significant changes to our child request (ages, etc.), working on toning down the hounds' enthusiasm when people come to the house (before the homestudy update visit, preferably), and so on.

This has, of course, led to more existential musing on my philosophy of adoption, why we have chosen international, why we decided on such a narrow age range, what our whole motivations are for doing this in the first place, and on, and on, and on. Having floundered in programs which never worked out, and then having waited for agency re-structuring (only to find ourselves deep, down in a long sibling list which is moving much more slowly than a snail), it is likely not a bad idea to re-visit our situation. All that time with nothing happening has resulted in a sense of unreality - and a lost sense of direction. Everything just came together so well in the beginning, from discovery of the agency to the opening of a program which seemed great for us - we felt very confident of the path we had chosen. Not so sure what we feel right now, and all the thinking, thinking, thinking doesn't really amount to much. Well, it does - I think it amounts to more confusion. But it also seems that if we don't think and talk and think and talk, that we will end up being in the same spot a decade from now - nothing any clearer, and nothing happening.

The decision-making process is tricky - What do we want? Is what we "maybe" want in line with what we "should" do? Is there such a thing as "should" do, or is the answer just "do something" as long as it is a good and right thing to do (but I want to feel that there is THE right thing for us...so much simpler that way...maybe, but maybe not)? If we do "a" then what happens with "b"? If we choose "c" will we regret not picking "a"? What about timing? When to sit back and wait, and when to act (both have their place, but how to know)?

There, that's basically a peek inside my head these days.

Wish I was the type to dive into tangible, productive projects (at least I would be getting some sewing or organizing or gardening done in that case) in the midst of this murky kind of situation, but no, actually attempting to DO things makes my brain protest with more meddlesome thoughts and distractions.

In other news (because my head is starting to spin typing about my thinking process), our campground opened on the weekend, and we squeezed in a very quick one-nighter (have ended up with lots of Saturday afternoon commitments in May/June, which makes camping kinda tricky). No mice, no water issues, overall things look good, and we are really looking forward to 5.5 months of get-aways. Just have to tell everyone to host their Saturday events at the campground...

Isaiah 58

2010-04-29T18:52:00.004-04:00

Here is the way I want you to fast:

Set free those who are held by chains without any reason.
Untie the ropes that hold people as slaves.
Set free those who are crushed.
Break every evil chain.
Share your food with hungry people.
Provide homeless people with a place to stay.
Give naked people clothes to wear.
Provide for the needs of your own family.

Then the light of my blessing will shine on you like the rising sun.
I will heal you quickly.
I will march out ahead of you.
And my glory will follow behind you and guard you.
That is because I always do what is right.

You will call out to me for help.
And I will answer you.
You will cry out.
And I will say, 'Here I am.'

Get rid of the chains you use to hold others down.
Stop pointing your finger at others as if they had done something wrong.
Stop saying harmful things about them.
Work hard to feed hungry people.
Satisfy the needs of those who are crushed.

Then my blessing will light up your darkness.
And the night of your suffering will become as bright as the noonday sun.

I will always guide you.
I will satisfy your needs in a land that is baked by the sun.
I will make you stronger.
You will be like a garden that has plenty of water.
You will be like a spring whose water never runs dry.
Your people will rebuild the cities that were destroyed long ago.
And you will build again on the old foundations.
You will be called The One Who Repairs Broken Walls.
You will be called The One Who Makes City Streets Like New Again.

Looking Up?

2010-04-27T16:37:00.002-04:00

Today is looking a bit more optimistic. The unfortunate situation, while not fully resolved, may be less dire than feared. And so, we are at least willing to venture further into the potentially good situation, and will see what happens. Thanks for the comments & prayers!

Unknowns...

2010-04-26T21:52:00.005-04:00

We appear to be faced with a couple of conflicting scenarios at the moment, one may be kinda cool, one unfortunate. The unfortunate, if it comes to pass, would definitely jeopardize the good scenario from coming to fruition. Sorry to be cryptic...waiting to see where things lie, as that will determine which news ends up being relevant to share.

If you would pray, I would invite that...I am again sensing the conflict we have experienced since early in our adoption process, between what we believe is such an important direction for us to head, and factors which could make that impossible. The pattern is striking, and makes me think of another blogger's recent post that movement toward the individual and familial restoration achieved through adoption often appears to be actively blocked by forces (human and supernatural?) in opposition.

Yeah, That's Right. Yay!

2010-04-19T09:29:00.001-04:00

For all those who care whether anyone uses "yeah" and "yay" correctly!

http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/yea.html

Uh...?

2010-04-18T21:16:00.006-04:00

So...

Not much to say, but here is an orchid from the Singapore Airport (a destination in and of itself).

No adoption news, for sure. Our file is still with Imagine, for Ethiopia. We have not started updating paperwork for the official country switch yet (from Ghana to Ethiopia). Partly because travel to Thailand occupied most of our attention the first few months of the year, and partly because we foresee a long wait, so may as well procrastinate a bit so the updated homestudy is current as long as possible once it is finally re-done. Medicals and fingerprints have expired at this point, too. With a long wait ahead for Ethiopia, we are thinking...but not sure what we're thinking about. Age requests? Saving up for an extra trip, now that two trips will be required? Isn't there something productive we can do in the meantime (other than re-doing our septic bed...boring, but necessary)?

Generally feeling a bit aimless. Thailand was great, and we want to keep the spirit of that trip alive through our involvement with the Karen people in our area and beyond...but not totally sure how. The house feels like it has taken over our lives sometimes - one minute we think there's not much left to do, the next we are staring at puddles in the yard (septic issue), windows about to fall in (sagging front porch pillar issue...not new, but previously not affecting the windows), windows in general, lame attempts at landscaping which need professional intervention (caused by me, pretty much), areas of major disorganization (cellar and storage garage)...it is a lot.

Looking forward to camping season starting May 1, but already have major scheduling conflicts with important events on the first two camping weekends we had planned at our trailer.

Keep feeling like taking a course of some kind (something I tend to do when I already have too much to do), but not sure what - sums me up, basically - interested in everything, not focused on anything. ESL? French? Photography? Theology? Interest classes (like sewing)? And I need to exercise...

But, we at least seem to be pretty much over the jet-lag, for what it's worth. And we are looking forward to putting together a nice, big presentation about our trip sometime soon. Thinking that it would be fun to partner with our Karen congregation to do a traditional meal at the church when we do our presentation. Will see how that unfolds.

My mind feels full and blank at the same time, but I realized I haven't posted much lately. Thinking, more than writing, I guess. Hmm...

This Rings True

2010-04-13T16:12:00.001-04:00

A little reading, by a woman who was adopted internationally, which I enjoyed:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/234343

Journey's End

2010-04-10T23:23:00.003-04:00

Just a quick hello after arriving home from Thailand this morning - lots of pictures to upload and share in days to come! Things went really well, and we had a great time. Still HATE flying - lots of unpleasant turbulence (wish we could have just used the elephant for transportation home), but otherwise safe & happy (albeit hot) travels.

Springy!

2010-03-21T23:05:00.004-04:00

The ground has re-appeared, and the air is becoming more temperate.

The girls have enjoyed TWO very rare doggie playdates this week. The first was a surprise visit from basset friend Sydney, still technically in her puppyhood. Our girls seem to quite like her, and had a good romp indoors and out while our human friend & contractor helped Geoff with a bit of soffit patching to encourage "our" raccoon to find a more welcoming home (hopefully not someone else's attic).

In this picture, the girls do quite a convincing job of looking mellow, perhaps even bored or downcast. I think subsequent photos will prove that this was a short break in the action when Lulu came to play!

Lu may be small, but she holds her own - especially when Gladwyn starts pawing at her. This was their first time hanging out together, and they settled in pretty quickly. Hesper rarely starts the action, but when she gets going, she sure goes.

Gladwyn thankfully knows the difference between small dogs and, say, squirrels, but you might not know it by the way she gives chase (and bays - have truly never heard such an intense, loud, continuous vocalization from a canine before).

Lu made the occasional quick turnaround, and became the pursuer...

Being out in the yard feels good, although there is ample evidence that plenty of work is in store to tidy things up for outdoor living. At least the Christmas decorations are down, and won't be greeting us upon our return from Thailand after Easter. Well, everything except the greenery and dogwood arrangements. But evergreens are all-season, right? I'll see what I can do about them, but won't make any promises - we now leave a day earlier than we thought (thank goodness other team members had received their electronic tickets & noticed the date was different than the itinerary we had been given). So, tomorrow is our last evening at home, and the next we head to Toronto to sleep for the night before taking off the following morning. Pretty much ready now, I think. Just a few odds and ends on the 'to-do' list...

Thailand: Short Term Missions Trip Info

2010-03-12T18:22:00.002-05:00

Thailand 2010: Canadian Baptist Ministries Short Term Mission
Mae Ra Ma Luang Refugee Camp
March 25 – April 10, 2010

(For those interested in hearing a bit more about our fast-approaching trip to Thailand, I have copied the information sheet we used for our presentation at church...)

Location:

Northern & Western Thailand, with a focused stay in the Mae Ra Ma Luang refugee camp, as well as time in the northern city of Chiang Mai, and the town of Mae Sot, near the Burmese border.

Purposes:

1. For Canadians with Karen people in their church congregations to learn more about Karen culture and the circumstances in which our Karen friends lived before coming to Canada.

2. To provide Bible teaching and training through week-long programs including:

• Vacation Bible School (VBS) for 150-250 children
• Young adult ESL (English as a Second Language)
• Bible Study for camp church pastors, leaders, and teachers

Our Roles:

We may help a bit with some ESL work, but expect to primarily be involved with the day camp...the latest is that there could be 300-250 children coming out! I think we will likely divide them into a morning and an afternoon shift, and then further break them into groups with a couple of faciliators per group. The curriculum is in English, and is Easter-focused. Many of the Karen we will be meeting will eventually be coming to English-speaking countries and churches.

Our Team:

Nine of us will be embarking on this adventure together. Five are from Ottawa, one is from Halifax, one is from Windsor (Ontario), and we represent the London, Ontario area. One of our team members is a nurse, and lived in Thailand for 8 years as a missionary. Another is a Burmese Karen man who has been in Canada for 6 years.

Karen:

The Karen are a primarily Christian ethnic group, which experiences severe oppression by the Myanmar army (government forces in Burma). Many have fled to Thailand over the past 20 years to escape forced labour, death, and destruction of their villages, crops, and livestock. Since 2005, the government in Thailand has been allowing large-scale resettlement of Karen refugees to other parts of the world. Canada has been actively involved with this effort. The Karen in Thailand are recognized by the United Nations High Commission for Refugees (UNHCR) as a priority refugee group, due to increased risk in their home country compared with other refugees, and to long-standing displacement, which means lack of access to basic rights such as employment, freedom of movement, etc.

Setting:

Thailand is half-way around the world, and is 12 hours ahead of us! We will be flying with Singapore Air, an excellent airline (which was recently used as an example of "experiential marketing" on CBC radio program...but I digress). Overall, Thailand is a tourist-friendly country, and we will be renting a vehicle and driver to help us move from place to place. The main city in Northern Thailand, Chiang Mai, is full of history and culture. The area is picturesque, with mountains, forests, rivers, and valleys – and it is warm: the country will be in the middle of its hot season when we are there (30+ Celsius)! Mosquitoes are active at night, so we will be taking precautions, including use of bug nets, to keep them at bay. The camp guest house is a bamboo structure, with squat toilets and a dipper + cistern bathing system. Travel within the camp will be by foot, which will mean treks of 5-30 minutes one way to get around.

Considerations:

There are most definitely a few things we would love you to be thinking and praying about!

• Energy Levels & Health – We are quite aware of some of the issues faced by many travellers, including jet lag, general fatigue (especially with such a busy schedule!), gastro-intestinal problems, mosquitoes, etc. Of course, we are hoping these things keep their distance, but at the very least our desire is that however we are feeling, we are able to remain actively involved, and not cause any major disruptions for the team!

• Cultural Acclimatization & Interactions – One of the exciting, but also complicated, aspects of the trip is diving into an unfamiliar way of life complete with a major language barrier. Our desire is to be relaxed and comfortable with others as we spend time with them and communicate as best as we can! We were given a great link to a Karen language overview, but there is definitely a lot more than we can pick up in the month before we travel. Camping and hiking experience has given us a bit of exposure to living with just the basics, although we know there will likely be some adjustments staying in a setting so different from what we are used to.

• Finances – We so greatly appreciate the prayer and financial support offered by the church, which is a truly valuable encouragement to us as we represent our congregation in this way, and seek to more fully serve and integrate with our Karen community. CBM’s stated cost for the trip is $3390 per person, including airfare, accommodations, in-country travel, meals, program materials, camp access paperwork, and health insurance – if you see this as an opportunity to contribute to a meaningful endeavour, your financial involvement is certainly welcome. Donations can be made to First Baptist Church, designated to our names or to the Thailand trip.

• Air & Ground Travel – Neither of us loves to fly! A few trips to Halifax and back have given us a bit of air experience, but this will definitely surpass those little adventures. Prayers for safety, smooth passage through customs (another unknown, other than the occasional US border crossing), and a sense of calm on the journey are most welcome.

• Helpfulness & Responsiveness – We want to take this opportunity seriously, and make sure that we are using talents and opportunities to their fullest extent. We are quite willing to follow directions and go along with plans, and also want to be alert and responsive to ways in which we can take initiative and make ourselves useful wisely, and without being asked! We hope that our presence on the team, and in the lives of those we encounter at our destination, will be meaningful and worthwhile.

• After the Fact: When we return, there will be a lot to digest! Keep us in mind even as we settle back into our routines at home, and consider the impact of this experience moving forward.

Anticipation:

While this trip packs a lot of unknowns and unfamiliar experiences together all at once, we both believe this is an opportunity to embrace! In many ways, we are excited about stretching ourselves, so that we are not limited by apprehensions and a fear of stepping beyond what is comfortable for us. We have come to care very much about our Karen friends, and the complicated ways in which their experiences in Burma, Thailand, and Canada, impact their lives. What a great way to understand more about these experiences so that we can more effectively engage with them. We look forward to experiencing new places and people, and seeing more of our beautiful world!

General Itinerary:

Thurs. Mar 25 - Fly away!
Fri. Mar 26 - Arrive in Chiang Mai
Sat. Mar 27 - Arrive to camp
Sun. Mar 28 - Church, orientation, meet church leaders
Mon. Mar 29 - Begin programs in camp
Tues. Mar 30 - Program in camp
Wed. Mar 31 - Program in camp
Thurs. Apr 1 - Program in camp
Fri. Apr 2 - Good Friday, worship and program in camp
Sat. Apr 3 - Possible day trip to another camp
Sun. Apr 4 - Easter Sunday, visiting and saying good-byes
Mon. Apr 5 - Arrive in Mae Sot
Tues. Apr 6 - Visit Mae La camp
Wed. Apr 7 - Mae Sot area adventures (elephants, etc.)
Thurs. Apr 8 - Chiang Mai, enjoy night market, shopping, etc.
Fri. Apr 9 - Fly home
Sat. Apr 10 - Arrive home!

Questions?

Let me know via comments :)

Here are a few links to check out on the Karen people, Karen in Canada, Karen camps, etc. -

http://www.cic.gc.ca/EnGLish/department/media/backgrounders/2007/2007-02-09.asp
http://karenottawa.blogspot.com/
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/05/27/thai.karen/
http://www.tbbc.org/camps/camps.htm

More than Money

2010-03-12T14:40:00.004-05:00

As we prepare to head to Thailand in just under two weeks (oh my!), we are feeling *kind of* ready, and very validated in this endeavour. With just a couple of months notice, the trip was confirmed, and about 6 weeks before the travel date, we made our decision & put in our application.

(Quick side note: They anticipate about 300 or more Karen refugee children to attend the day camp we will be helping facilitate in the camp...can't really even picture what that is going to look like)!

Financially, this trip seemed daunting, especially given the additional costs associated with our adoption (agency re-structuring & country switch)...but it seemed like something we couldn't really pass up. Over the past few weeks, we have been so thankful and honoured, as our church and individuals within it, as well as some family members, have willingly come forward to share their financial resources to support us. Being on the receiving end of things, I have been thinking a lot about what it means when others invest in this way into another person's project, ministry, adventure...

Certainly the financial contributions are greatly relieving. But there is so much more - whether people choose to give because they want to help us specifically, or because they value giving to a cause in general, or because they have a particular interest in work with Karen refugess - this money tells a story, and I think it builds community, too. It is very much a tangible way in which we feel people behind us, backing our decision to do this.

I always felt uncomfortable for folks getting up in church and including requests for financial support in their presentations about missions trips. I have grown up in the ministry "system", so it wasn't a particular issue I had with the requests, but feeling kind of bad for the person asking because I always imagined how I would feel doing that. Well, a few weeks ago, I was that person. And I tried to work the financial information into the middle of other prayer requests and points of interest, so it wasn't a big focus. But in the end, it didn't feel that bad, and I really have a sense that those who have given money (I only know who some of them are) have truly done so out of a desire to be part of this in some way, or show their support in a practical manner.

As of today, the official trip costs (for both of us, combined, including airfare, other travel, accommodations, meals, etc., and excluding personal spending related to the trip) are $6780. Today I paid the outstanding balance of $2260. The rest has been covered. Sure, it would be great to have more come in (those adoption costs aren't going anywhere, after all, and a possible second trip to Ethiopia when that time comes will increase them yet again), but I am pretty sure I can honestly say that I am content with what has been given, and the love and care behind it. What an encouragement.

Scratch That...I'm Just Along for the Ride

2010-03-11T15:50:00.002-05:00

I'll just be quiet now. Back to hearing that the double travel likely does apply across the board...and I guess in the end we have some bigger hurdles to overcome...like seeing if sibling referrals start to pick up. Won't be much travelling going on around here until those have been happening for a while.

Will hopefully have confirmation on the travel issue tomorrow or Monday.

Cautious Optimism???

2010-03-11T14:43:00.002-05:00

Perhaps, it seems, Canadian adoptions through Ethiopia are not affected by the changes announced in the US, where an additional trip is now required. The referral slow-down, though, is still in effect...

Are We Infectious?

2010-03-10T21:31:00.002-05:00

Starting to think that we are bad news for adoption programs. While by all reports the Ethiopia program is still alive and well *generally speaking*, it is experiencing some big changes which will (at least for now) impact referrals, and it also appears, travel commitments.

I have to agree with folks that any changes to ensure and improve practices around family preservation, proper documentation & determination of children's eligibility to be adopted, and follow-through by adoptive parents (apparently there have actually been multiple cases of parents arriving in Ethiopia, and deciding to leave without their children - I cannot comment, as I do not know their situations, but...ahhh) cannot be a bad thing at all.

But when you know it will impact the referral wait time, and mean lots more travel costs (looking like two trips will be necessary - but I will be clear that as of this moment, we have not heard this from our agency directly...just from many, many adoption blogs and discussion boards, particularly in the US)...well, it's hard to hear.

What can I say? Because today, this is our plan. And I feel inclined to stick with the plan (guess we can keep earning travel $$ during that long referral wait). I really hope that Thailand (in just two weeks, folks) helps me LOVE air travel. Ha ha ha. One does start to wonder, though, how many times to say "sure, we'll roll with that" before one's sanity and judgment can seriously be called into question. I would like to think we are "persevering" with this adoption, rather than "perseverating" on it...time will hopefully tell.

Yes, Yes, and Yes Again

2010-03-05T10:36:00.001-05:00

Article from Blog from Christian Alliance for Orphans

Haiti: Inter-Country Adoption and Evils on the GroundMarch 3, 2010 in Adoption,
Haiti and Orphans, International Orphan Care | Comments (0)

Tags: Adoption, Haiti, orphan

Two news items—one via blog and the other a newspaper report—came on the same
day recently. It would seem that their jarring contents must be coming from
different parts of the world. But both come from Haiti.

From Paul Myhill's blog:

"I need to tell you something," the teary-eyed girl said to Campus Crusade's
country director for Haiti, Esperandieu Pierre, during his recent visit to one
of the tented camps near a hospital in Port-au-Prince.

The nine year-old orphan had been raped by multiple men.

After taking her to the hospital, Esperandieu was told by the nurse that the
rape of a child, especially an orphan, is now a "common event" that she sees
daily…

On the same day as this post, an article in the Wall Street Journal began:

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti—In the aftermath of the earthquake, scores of
unaccompanied Haitian children are living in fetid tent camps here. A few miles
away, Dixie Bickel, an American nurse, is having trouble filling dozens of empty
beds at her tidy orphanage.

Haiti's welfare agency stopped sending kids there on the advice of the United
Nations Children's Fund, or UNICEF, Ms. Bickel says. The UN agency worries that
many children have been temporarily displaced by the quake. Putting them in
orphanages like Ms. Bickel's could lead to adoptions overseas that separate them
from family here …

What Can We Conclude?

The simple truth is that commitment to family reunification and other in-country
efforts to care for orphans should not be viewed as contradictory to viewing
inter-country adoption as the very best option for some children. The tension
between the two needs to be shown for what it is: a false dichotomy.

Certainly, if there is a reasonable chance that a child could be reunited to
with living parents, that option should be the first priority. No child should
be taken out of a country in the immediate aftermath of disaster, unless he or
she was known to be an orphan before the disaster struck. I have little doubt
that Dixie Bickel shares this perspective as well.

In reality, however, the pretext of protecting children from human trafficking
or other evils is actually locking them into situations that are tremendously
unsafe. It is time for the U.N. to stop presenting inter-country adoption and
reunification as mutually exclusive activities.

Reunification efforts should be aggressive and thorough. Meanwhile, efforts can
also be initiated that will identify those children that truly have no options
for being raised in a family locally. Such children should not be relegated to
life on the streets or in an orphanage simply because many—including myself—hope
that someday there will be much better options for in-country care than now
exist. We should pursue that future doggedly. But until every child can be
part of a family in Haiti, we cannot allow pursuit of this dream to force a
generation to grow up without one.

Whose Hands?

2010-03-04T08:30:00.003-05:00

I have held many things in my hands,
and I have lost them all;
but whatever I have placed in God's hands,
that I still possess

Martin Luther

Bullet the Blue Sky/Chocolate Brown

2010-03-02T23:43:00.005-05:00

* HTML formatting issue warning - I hate that the fonts & sizes are all over the place, but apparently the blog is angry at me for copying this from Word, and it is after midnight so I cannot afford to care *

Ok – I’m playing along (kind of - I'm chicken in regard to tagging others, but hey, feel free to consider yourself tagged) – after finding, charging, and figuring out how to use the shuffle feature on my IPod (who knew the menu was longer that what shows on the screen – got to scroll on down). Anyway, what better way to spend the time when you still have over a third of a book to read for book club tomorrow and it's 11:45pm?

Rules:
1. Put your I-pod, ITunes, Windows Media Player etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question press the Next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song no matter how silly it sounds.
4. Tag at least 10 friends.
5. Have fun!

If someone says "are you okay?”

White Christmas (Bing)

I guess that would be code for "how could things get better than this?'" - I quite like it - might start using it.

How Would You Describe Yourself?

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word (Ray Charles)

Ah, no comment. Sorry.

What do you like in a guy/girl?

O Come All Ye Faithful

True enough...except I don't need them all...that might be contradictory.

How do you feel today?

Patapan

Hmm, probably pretty accurate - and also another possible term to employ from now on - instead of my usual non-commital "fine" or '''ok''' - would capture something a little more positive than '''so-so''' - yes, I think I like it.

What is your life's purpose?

The Very Thought of You (Billie Holiday)

Depending on how you interpret that, it could be really fitting.

What's your motto?

A Minor Variation (Billy Joel)

Ha ha. I always have prided myself on trying to be non-conformist. And minor keys are my favourite - just a touch of melancholy.

What do your friends think of you?

This Will be My Year (Semisonic)

Well, that is what people like to say. But I tend not to go for that unfounded kind of fairy-tale optimism. One day at a time, my friends (and I'm not being pessimistic - just realistic - so there).

What do your parents think of you?

The Thrill is Gone (BB King)

Oh, so sad. I didn't realize...after the "Joy''' of my birth things have apparently gone downhill.

What do you think about very often?

Thick (Tonic)

Huh. Have to reflect on this a bit. But I do feel "thick" when I start thinking about things I can't quite wrap my head around...and there are a few of those on the go (e.g., adoption situation)

What is 2 + 2?

Set it Off (Audioslave)

Uh oh. Is that like some kind of lift-off/release the hounds type formula?

What do you think of your best friend?

Il Est Ne Le Devin Enfant (Winnipeg Philharmonic Choir)

How very spiritual! (et j'aime le francais)

What is your life story?

O Come All Ye Faithful (Johnny Cash)

This is far too deep for midnight - more reflection required.

What do you want to be when you grown up?

Gus: The Polar Bear from Central Park (The Tragically Hip)

At first, I thought, IT IS TRUE! I totally want to be Gus, or a polar bear - because I love polar bears. But then again, with all the melting ice, maybe this isn't the best time. And I googled Gus quickly - seems the poor caged bear has had his struggles - although then I found a link stating he is doing much better. Polar bears have always been my favourite - I do have a whole Christmas tree full of them, after all. And being Gus, who overcomes his sadness and neuroses - well, that's not such a bad thing to be at all - a content, thriving individual who has moved beyond that which formerly squelched the ability to live to the fullest and experience well-being.

gothamist.com/2003/03/24/gus_the_formerly_depressed_polar_bear.php

What do you think when you see the person you like?

Christmas Pics (Barenaked Ladies)

Yay, photos of people I like!

What will you dance to at your wedding?

Peer Gynt – Suite 1, Opus 46 by Edvard Greig

That would have been interesting, and unusual. If we had had a dance. Might have guessed something jazzy, but with a life motto like "a minor variation'' what else can you expect other than something off the beaten path?

What will they play at your funeral?

We Could Be So Good Together (The Doors)

Oh - this sounds kind of sad and wistful for a funeral - like a dream unfulfilled. Or maybe I am just trying to get others to join me???

What is your hobby/interest?

Wonderwall (Oasis)

Huh. If by that, it means "a little of this, that, and the other thing which cannot quite be summed up very succinctly", then sure.

What is your biggest fear?

No Eye Has Seen (Michael W. Smith)

My spine is tingling...

And on a completely unrelated note, did anyone else watch "Lost" tonight & see Smokey going wild. Ok, maybe not so unrelated. I was always a fan of the Smoke Monster...but watch out.

What is your biggest secret?

It Came Upon the Midnight Clear (Instrumental)

Oh, really?!! Seems even I don't know my biggest secret, but it must be a doozy if it happened in the dead of night.

What do you want right now?

Fight (PFR)

Another surprise. Note to self: Become much more self-aware. I'm sure there's something about which I feel that way.

What do you think of your friends?

Sleigh Ride Medley (Canadian Brass)

...lovely weather, for a sleigh ride together, with you :)

What will you post this as?

Bullet The Blue Sky (U2)/Chocolate Brown (The Cranberries)

So seriously...I had been thinking that it was unfortunate no Cranberries songs had come up. And the glimpse of Bullet made me think the game was over...but no lie...my IPod would not hold Bullet and jumped ahead, ALL ON ITS OWN, to Chocolate Brown. Went back and forth a few times, and same thing kept happening. So it's a tie.

All done.

But for the curious, the next few songs were:

O Little Town of Bethlehem (Elmer Isler Singers)

In The End (Linkin Park)

Winter Wonderland (Jewel)

Exotic Night (Martin Denny – a Christmas tune, just to clarify)

Two Thousand Years (Billy Joel)

And what a surprise that there were so many Christmas songs. Shocking ;)

Actually, two Billy Joel songs is kind of surprising.

And there is a glaring and sad lack of Sam Roberts, and others. Another time, perhaps.

I really need to finish this book club reading. G'night.

Ah, the Irony

2010-03-02T16:41:00.004-05:00

Just had a delivery person at the door. Could hardly communicate with the guy, or open the door enough, to get the package due to my intense, barking hounds signalling his arrival. I gave my usual "they're ok, just loud" line over the din (which he likely couldn't hear), and he was gone before I had a chance to figure out & let him know that the package actually contained books on dog barking and calming signals for dogs...really...we do want to help them improve their social skills.

It's so embarrassing, and it's really not nice having to limit chats with neighbours because the dogs won't let us alone. Hesper would often bark and "huff" a very little bit around new people, and Gladwyn was quietly timid (basically vanishing) with guests when we first got her. But now that the two have settled in together, and have begun feeding off of each other, wow, do they ever get going. True hounds who love to hear themselves, combined with some nervous excitability. Unfortunately, I think some of the bark training may involve stressful times where they are not allowed outside to roam around freely for a while. Which will mean lots of doorbell ringing (the bells are inside - their signal that they want out) and guessing as to whether they really "need" out for a few minutes or not. But it is definitely important to get this going before having kids around (or having another homestudy update...can only imagine the two of them barraging our social worker with their frantic greetings). It would also be nice to have this under control a bit more before campground season. They would bark a bit at passers-by our site last year, but I suspect they may be a bit worse now...uh oh.

Perhaps I will share any particular wisdom or success after reading (and trying out suggestions from) these books. If you're interested, stay tuned.

Reflecting

2010-02-28T21:55:00.003-05:00

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,

so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

Joseph Campbell

The Selling of a Soul?

2010-02-28T14:39:00.002-05:00

Here is a fascinating, devastating article about the July 2009 fall of Imagine Adoption:

http://news.therecord.com/News/Local/article/677204

A Gift (and sharing a bit with you)

2010-02-24T16:54:00.004-05:00

...adoption is a calling, be it from a dream or a feeling deep in one's heart or gut. There is a knowing, a certainty, propelling us toward that assigned child, and a confidence and faith that in time - seemingly too much time - he or she will be shown to us.

(Chicken Soup for the Adopted Soul, Introduction)

Geoff just arrived home from work (managed to make good time today for my birthday), and had a package with him. Only a brief moment of confusion later, I was reading a lovely note from my Ethiopia program secret pal! I had just about forgotten that a little something would be coming my way this month, and it's pretty fun that it arrived on my birthday. Looking forward to some inspiring reading, perhaps after we return from our Ethiopian birthday dinner!

Portraits of the Birthday Girl in All Her Splendour

2010-02-24T11:32:00.017-05:00

Yep, the big day has rolled around once again. Wonder what I should wear for the occasion - would any of these get-ups work? Oh all right, guess a pirate might look a little out of place having a birthday dinner in an Ethiopian restaurant. But I do love a costume...

Here is my tribute to Dolores O'Riordan & The Cranberries (posing with Sis, aka Gwen Stefani). On a disc somewhere I must have a full body shot, showing my red Doc Marten boots. You will just have to imagine them in all their loveliness:

Ah yes, a ghost of the Wild West (posing with Bro - who was being a good sport in the costume department that year...it does happen sometimes). I remember being very busy & stressed around that time, and so I coped with it by spending a week making this costume (my famous "Ignore Reality & Conquer Other Trivial Projects Instead" strategy, the IRCOTPI):

In 2008, the adolescent clients where I worked chose a princess theme for our costume day (mostly girls on the unit at the time, but a couple of the guys were good sports about it, too)! Managed to wear my wedding dress all day as "The Princess Bride", despite a little, ah, breathing restriction & discomfort sitting down...10 years after wearing it the first time. This pic does not include my sword & the novel (a recommended read, for sure, by the way):

So sad in 2009 that I couldn't wear a costume to work, since it might be less appropriate showing up to see adult clients in their homes as a pirate (but then again, I think some of them might really appreciate it). Guess I wasn't working October 31 anyway. Still managed to come up with a few costume excuses, though!

#1 - Hard-core (and comfy) for handing out candy to our few trick-or-treaters (my bat tattoo doesn't look like it was faring too well at that point):

#2 - Fulfilling a dream for our "When I Grow Up" party. And no, it wasn't really that difficult or painful wearing skates for a few hours:

#3 - Low-key costume for shopping with my mom:

And just one more pirate pic for good measure. Never can go overboard when it comes to pirates (uh oh, truly no pun intended).

And with that, I end my birthday post. Off to do some cleaning, then to sew the afternoon away while salivating for my Ethiopian dinner. Happy February 24 everyone!

P.S. Trying not to think too hard about the fact that I was 12 when my mom was my new, current age...still prefer to credit those pesky renovations & that never-ending master's degree (which ended, surprisingly) for this late-start-to-family scenario (you know, rather than accepting any personal responsibility for putting things off)...blaming those things, plus a couple of closed adoption programs & a bankruptcy adding further delay. But, at least I don't need to wait until there are kids around to play dress-up - I would be in a much worse predicament if that were the case!

Seeing, Sewing, & Strumming Double

2010-02-17T13:00:00.003-05:00

Now, in addition to (friendly) competition over the (ahem, my) new sewing machine, looks like the ukulele may need to be cloned as well...

The image of Geoff & I strumming away our adoption wait time together...it is almost too syrupy, sappy, sweet. Oh dear.

A Photo Tour of Valentine's Day & Family Day Weekend

2010-02-15T19:24:00.011-05:00

Despite a bit of a cold, and somewhat fuzzy plans, we managed to fit in a few things this long weekend. Here are some pictures (minus our tasty fish & chips take-out...neglected to photograph that little treat)...

1. The bouquet Geoff had with him when he arrived home from work on Friday:

2. The crafty mess that had accumulated in the breakfast nook:

3. Saturday's project, corralling & containing the crafty mess after a little trip for plastic bins and boxes. Took all day to get this far (and there is still a pile in the kitchen which doesn't quite fit):

4. A bit of Family day fun - catching up on our Rock Band world tour with Geoff & Jonathan (my brother):

5. And for good measure, some complete spontaneity in the form of a ukulele! Because if there's one thing I do really, really well, it is taking on new projects when I already have a number of important things on the go. But hey, if I can learn enough in 5 weeks, this little guy could travel with me to Thailand. If you're looking for an inexpensive hobby, this outfit was less than $50 total. (Mini product review: the ukulele is definitely a cheap-o, which has a little trouble holding its tuning, but the book is decent - pretty clear to follow along & has a CD for reference as well. With a music background, I basically went through the whole book in an afternoon - still with PLENTY to learn - it's just a basic introduction):

6. A Family Day hike near home. Had to turn around and backtrack after this raccoon friend (down the path) seemed disinterested in leaving the trail - actually looked like he wanted to come for a visit, perhaps to see if we had any snacks? I thought I had heard Gladwyn summon up a full hound cry in our yard before, but wow...I think the whole vicinity must have heard her bellow at this guy:

7. Our "pack" on the trail:

This, That, and Many Other Things

2010-02-14T23:39:00.003-05:00

I think this post title should perhaps be the name of the whole blog...which started as a way to update friends & family on our adoption process over the, oh, 9-12 months or so we estimated at the beginning. Ha ha ha.

As you can see by a quick look back, I have increasingly wandered more and more into non-adoption-related territory, but that's ok with me (especially if there is still an adoption story in waiting)...and is definitely more interesting (to me, anyway) than posting every week with a one-liner stating that there is no adoption update to speak of.

For the next little while, though, you may see a bit more consistency again (don't worry - for those who enjoy the wild unpredictability of topics here, like crafts, travel mug reviews, pets, spring flowers, etc., I'm sure those things will keep popping up). However, with our adoption looking like a spec in the distance right now, we have decided on an interim adventure. In just over 5 weeks, we plan to embark on a trip to Northern Thailand with 7 other people we have never met, to be with many, many other people we have never met.

Just before Christmas I believe I posted about this possibility, and if all goes as planned (I have come to be skeptical about things happening as planned, after all the adoption twists and turns), we hit the skies March 25, returning April 10. For 8 nights we will be spending time in a large Burmese refugee camp. Our church is one of many in Canada which has become home church to Burmese Karen people who have immigrated here from various refugee camps in Thailand. Geoff and I have been doing a bit with Karen youth, like gym nights and skating, and so the invitation was passed on to us when it reached our minister. It is all coming together quickly (which is better for me, so I don't have too much time to get antsy and to experience cold feet). Anyway, along with this endeavour, I expect readers of this blog will be getting a fairly big dose of information and updates about this trip...including product reviews, and more! Stay tuned...

Product Review: Travel Mug

2010-02-09T22:23:00.004-05:00

In completely non-adoption-related news (other than a vague connection - this about a travel product, and adoption involves travel...even though this product likely won't be crossing the ocean with us...but you never know, maybe it will)...we have awesome new travel mugs.

Our sad and sorry collection of free plastic travel mugs from various conferences and promotions has had the biscuit, so to speak. Geoff has been lamenting this, being a morning on-the-way-to-work coffee drinker. And no available-in-stores-everywhere travel mug would do. This mug must make for easy drinking, heat retention, and absolute leak-proof transport. Of course, he saw the dream mug in a two-pack bargain promotion at Costco, but (very much unlike me) decided not to buy them right away. And then they were gone. And he was sad. So I went online (very much LIKE me) and found a Canadian source. So we ordered them last week (figured I might as well get one, too, while we were at it...you know, for all those hypothetical winter adventures), they arrived in about a day (maybe two), and there you have it. And yes, they do seem to live up to their claims - liquid only comes out when you press the button, hold it down, and sip. And you sip right off the edge, rather than from a deep depression in the lid like so many travel mugs force you to do. And they are pretty sleek, stainless on the outside and inside. Plus, they keep your drink warm plenty long. Geoff claims that there was still somewhat warm tea in there after work one afternoon, when the mug had been sitting in the van (below freezing) all day. Not that I would likely want to finish it at that point, but it was worth checking I suppose.

All right, here's the info:

Contigo Autoseal Stainless Steel Tumbler

Our Canadian source (although the US site will ship to Canada...but it would have been a bit more $ and a bit more time):

www.fenigo.com

Children of Haiti: Issues & Incidents

2010-02-04T21:51:00.003-05:00

A member of the Ethiopia adoption forum I frequent posted this article to the group, which very nicely addresses the unfortunate situation which has arisen following attempts by Christian workers to remove children from Haiti to care for them in the Dominican Republic. This is a well-balanced article which echoes my thoughts, and therefore saves me some time and effort!

Strong on Zeal, Thin in Knowledge
Lessons from Haiti's arrest of American Christians trying to take children out
of the country.

By: Jedd Medefind
Source: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/februaryweb-only/15-31.0.html

Newswires buzzed recently with reports that a group of ten Americans from an
Idaho-based Christian charity were arrested trying to transport 33 Haitian
children into the Dominican Republic contrary to the rules of Haiti's
government. Although details are still emerging, the story thus far suggests a
potent mingling of good intentions with ill-advised plans. Fellow Christians
embarrassed by the incident should have the grace to withhold the abuse many
observers are now piling on the group, but we can still take a strong lesson on
the need to match zeal with knowledge in every effort to "care for orphans in
their distress."

According to their website, the group's goal was to "rescue Haitian orphans
abandoned on the streets … and bring them to New Life Children's Refuge in
Cabarete, Dominican Republic." This "Refuge" is at present a 45-room hotel the
ministry leased to house the children as an interim measure. Ultimately, they
planned to construct an orphanage that would provide long-term care, and also
the potential of adoption for children that could not be reunited with
relatives.

These rickety plans, along with the decision to remove the children from Haiti
without approval, were a recipe for trouble. Adding further to the impression of
sloppy do-goodism, it now appears that some of the children had living parents
and were not in need of rescue at all.

Appropriately, many relief organizations have voiced strong concern over the
incident. Meanwhile, others in the foreign aid world—which often tends to be
dismissive of volunteer efforts and highly critical of international
adoption—have sought to make the situation a cause célèbre. Private blogs and
even some nonprofit websites now venture beyond the known facts, implying gross
neglect of the children by the Christian group and even worse. No doubt some
hope to harness the situation to foster broader criticism of adoption, and to
emphasize the superiority of large-scale, government-centered models of aid to
smaller acts of private charity.

Even as we apply strong words to the group's actions—"reckless" and
"irresponsible" come to mind—we should first be reminded what this debacle does
not tell us:

First, it does not tell us that Christians have the market cornered on
well-intentioned but poorly-devised attempts at aid. Far from it. As writers
like William Easterly and Dambisa Moyo lay out in disturbing detail, the history
of efforts to help the needy—both government and private, religious and
secular—is rife with failed largesse. A brief survey of public welfare programs
in the U.S. alone would dwarf this situation in both size and foolishness for
examples of benevolence gone awry.

Second, it does not tell us that compassion motivated by Christian faith is
somehow peripheral to "real" disaster aid. Thousands of committed Christian
organizations, churches and individuals—both foreign and indigenous—were
effectively meeting deep needs in Haiti even before the earthquake. Today, these
entities and recently arrived allies are central to relief efforts on the ground
in Haiti, as are Christians in every catastrophe.
The actions of a single small group certainly don't define the Christian
response, nor should we feel embarrassed of our faith-inspired efforts in
response to future disasters.

Finally, it does not tell us that the significance of adoption in caring for
orphans should be marginalized. Although the press played up reports that the
group had mentioned adoption to the U.S. as one potential way to eventually help
some of the children, this was clearly not the group's primary focus. Nor could
such adoptions have happened on any scale without massive amounts of U.S. and
local paperwork, as any adoptive family knows. The group's errors to date were
actually examples of on-the-ground orphan care gone wrong, not of mishandled
adoptions. Yet no one is suggesting we should now shun orphan care, nor should
they. The Christian community should stand strongly behind a full spectrum of
in-country orphan care efforts, as well as the option of international adoption
for children who'd otherwise grow up without families.

Amidst all this, what this situation does tell us is much more straightforward.
Passion alone is simply not sufficient; it must be consistently paired with
wisdom. Zeal without knowledge can be a destructive force. A compassionate
impulse may indeed be God's nudging, and certainly should not be ignored. But
the hard work of education, preparation, and planning most always stands between
us and a job well done.

For those freshly woken to the needs of orphans, one other reminder will be
helpful as well. Prior to the earthquake, Haiti had an estimated 380,000
children who had lost at least one parent. Tens of thousands lived in
orphanages, on Haiti's streets, and as household slaves. These tragic situations
are mirrored in many developing countries worldwide. So while the current crisis
adds urgency to the biblical call to "defend the cause of the fatherless," the
need to respond did not start with Haiti's latest anguish. Nor will it end when
the television cameras no longer bring their images to mind.

Thus, in this moment—stirred as we are by Haiti's pain, and freshly reminded of
the hazards of poorly-directed zeal—the most significant reminder is that
knowledge-guided love is always needful. The emotion we're feeling is one that
can be acted upon for the rest of our lives. Amidst the current crisis, we must
help as best we can: giving generously, praying seriously, and even working on
the ground alongside trustworthy organizations and local churches. Meanwhile,
it's never too early to begin readying ourselves for a longer journey, joining
passion with preparedness, and compassion with commitment, to serve wisely and
well for the distance.

Jedd Medefind is President of the Christian Alliance for Orphans, which will
host Summit VI in April 2010 to help churches and organizations seeking to
engage in adoption and orphan ministry. He previously served as a Special
Assistant to President George W. Bush and led the White House Office of
Faith-Based and Community Initiatives.

Packages En Route!

2010-02-04T20:48:00.005-05:00

I LOVE waiting for online purchases to arrive, and now that we have stated our intentions to head to Thailand in March for a couple of weeks, which will include some day camp and so on in a Burmese/Karen refugee camp (but I begin to digress - long story, which can be told another day), there has been some shopping going on.

Sadly, I must wait for my parents to bring my hot weather clothing purchases with them on their next visit from the US (oh why, oh why, is Canada so far behind in the online clothing, accessories, housewares, and electronics business???), but I was able to order a nice bunch of organic and fragrance free self-care and beauty products from within Canada (quite good selection here) - partly to reduce bug-attraction in northern Thailand, and partly to get a move on my 2010 plan to move toward less toxic and non-toxic products.

Once it has all arrived and been tried, I will post some mini-reviews for you. And of course for the travel clothing, too. The goal is to pack light and keep it simple - my Macabi skirts (see link to side of page, and previous post...somewhere...I am digressing again) are ready and waiting for the suitcase, so just a few more things & the travel wardrobe and toiletries will be all set to go!

You'll Just Have to Wait

2010-02-04T12:28:00.002-05:00

I just decided what to do for my new secret pal in the Ethiopia adoption group gift exchange program. Something I would really recommend for others to check out, but I guess you'll all just have to wait until JULY when I can reveal myself...don't want to give anything away yet!

Guess Who Showed Up!?!

2010-02-03T23:33:00.004-05:00

She's here! All the way from Ethiopia...at least, that's what I hear.

She arrived just this afternoon, and seemed quite comfortable in her packing box. I almost took her to book club with me tonight, but decided to let her get settled in to her new surroundings. As you can see, she is absolutely perfect in the nursery (but will likely spend some time on the main floor as well). And when I say this is one of my fave colour combos, my coordinating cross-stitch zebra attests to the fact that I am not just making that up.

Seriously, she's just perfect, and many thanks to Sarah for her generous name draw & sharing of talent. I've pulled out a baby name book & name list to help round out her identity. So much fun! I'm not too old to play house, am I?

My Sentiments Exactly - International Adoption, Attachment, Etc.

2010-01-30T19:56:00.005-05:00

The orphan situation in Haiti has generated much discussion and action in the adoption world. While I absolutely stand behind anyone who advocates to ensure that all children to be adopted meet the necessary criteria, have the appropriate documentation, etc., I am concerned by more extreme lobbying to stop or slow adoptions unnecessarily (I know, those advocating these measures would not say they are unnecessary).

My concern is not specifically about Haiti - which is a complicated situation right now, to say the least - but more generally in regard to the idea that it is better for orphaned children to stay in their home countries, raised in foster or institutional care, than to be adopted internationally into permanent families. This is not about political correctness, or cultural competence, but about a core value which in my opinion transcends culture, race, and politics - a fundamental need for a child to be part of a family as early in life as possible - build, and learn how to build healthy, fulfilling relationships, and to have a pretty good chance at the kind of education, social skills, and social network required to build a safe and healthy life for themselves when they leave home (which, for many orphanage-raised children, is questionable, and happens far too young). While the goal is most definitely for countries to be able to make this happen, international adoption has to be part of the picture, at least for now. The following quotes do a great job of explaining my position, and providing a little food for thought in regard to one of the big reasons children need to be in families - attachment. We have a social responsibility NOT to increase children's risk of lifelong difficulties as a result of delaying or neglecting to find them families, wherever those families may be. Have a look:

The Role of International Adoption:

www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/international-adoption-unicefs-and-other-critics-war-against-international-adoption-719309.html

"...orphaned children deserve a chance at having permanent homes and families. International adoption is not a perfect solution to the problem...but it saves lives, gives children a chance, one adoption at a time.

Of course, most would agree that international adoption should not be the sole answer to poverty faced by nations around the world. No rational person would think so. International adoption should be seen as a stopgap emergency measure taken while the United Nations, human rights groups, humanitarian organizations and the governments of these underdeveloped countries seek answers to the abject poverty, high birth rates, AIDS epidemic, malnutrition, lack of education, lack of women’s rights, and massive unemployment which lead to parents making these hard decisions about the future of their offspring. International adoption is one temporary cog in the wheel. UNICEF and other detractors and critics of international adoption have continually failed to recognize the vital emergency role of international adoption and how compromise and middle ground solutions could serve the orphaned and abandoned children."

Attachment:

http://www.adoptiondoctors.com/articles/Article/Unique-factors-when-considering-adopting-an-orphanage-child/2320

"Attachment can be defined as the ability or capacity to bond emotionally with another person."

http://www.attach-china.org/faq.html

"[A child's ability to form attachments with others starts] with pre-natal care, then moves on to the conditions at birth, conditions in the orphanage, the staff/child ratio and the natural resiliency of the child. Any infant who is neglected when she cries can be at risk for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). RAD can develop within the first few months of life...the longer a child is exposed [to risk factors, including institutional care], the greater the risk [of attachment disorders], so there is some correlation between RAD and age at adoption."

Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D., Centre for Family Development, Williamsville, NY

Subtle Signs of Attachment Issues:

1. Sensitivity to rejection and to the normally attuned connections between mother and child.
2. Avoiding comfort when the child's feelings are hurt, although the child will turn to the parent when physically hurt.
3. Difficulty discussing angry feelings or hurt feelings.
4. Over-valuing looks, appearance, and clothes.
5. Sleep disturbances, not wanting to sleep alone.
6. Precocious independence. A level of independence that is more frequently seen in slightly older children.
7. Reticence and anxiety about changes.
8. Picking at scabs and sores.

The longer a child is in alternate care, the more these subtle signs become pervasive.

Specific Difficulties Related to Attachment Issues:

1. Superficially engaging and charming behaviour, phoniness
2. Avoidance of eye contact.
3. Indiscriminate affection with strangers.
4. Lack of affection on parental terms.
5. Destructiveness to self, others, and material things.
6. Cruelty to animals.
7. Primary process lying (lying in the face of the obvious).
8. Low impulse control.
9. Learning lags.
10. Lack of cause/effect thinking.
11. Lack of conscience.
12. Abnormal eating patterns.
13. Poor peer relationships.
14. Preoccupation with fire and/or gore.
15. Persistent nonsense questions and chatter.
16. Inappropriate clinginess and demandingness.
17. Abnormal speech patterns.
18. Inappropriate sexuality.

http://library.adoption.com/articles/research-on-romanian-children-shows-age-factors-into-attachment-disorder.html

"In a 6-year study of post-institutionalized children adopted from Romania by British couples, researchers found that children who were 6 months or younger when they were adopted had higher IQs and experienced fewer attachment disorder behaviors than children who had spent more time in orphanages."

www.nacac.org/adopttalk.orphanage experiences.html

"Probably our most important finding was that there was a lot of variation in how well children did three years after adoption. The early-adopted children generally had few serious problems, and as a group looked very much like children born in Canada. Of the children who spent eight months or more in an orphanage, some resembled children born in Canada, but others had many problems and were still very different from their Canadian-born counterparts."

www.bcadoption.com
(Discussion of research on Romanian adoptees, conducted by Dr. Elinor Ames)

"All orphanage children were developmentally delayed when adopted. The longer they had spent in orphanage, the more delayed they were.

Before signing off, I do have a quick nod & disclaimer: I enjoy reading about groups and individuals who have taken their love and concern for orphans, and have put it into practice internationally by establishing child-focused and success-oriented models for group living, such as small-group family-style care, and programs focused on education, skill development, and long-term outcomes - any such effort plays an important role in ensuring the nurturing and health of children who need it!

In Stitches

2010-01-27T15:08:00.012-05:00

Here's what we've been up to...

Geoff is becoming quite the crafter, I must say. The critters are all his handiwork. As for me, I started experimenting on the weekend with these necklace/bandana kinda things:

Cheer Up

2010-01-25T13:43:00.007-05:00

So, this link may explain why today is, ah, a little gloomy around here (well, it may not explain the events that have transpired on this particular day, but at least it is fitting):

http://www.peterboroughtoday.co.uk/features/Cheer-up-it39s-Blue-Monday.6010954.jp

It seems that the last Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. The article (and the news report during which I first heard of this earlier today) mention things such as post-Christmas blues, bills, and grey weather as possible contributing factors. In my case, today, you could add a not-very-pleasant work-related email, a frightening one-hour computer crash (it turned on again eventually, but I lost lots of work time after already being off to a slow start), topped off by a growing sense that I am already running behind in 2010. It is also possible that I had a subconscious hope of waking up to a perpetual day off - like the movie, "Groundhog Day" - but alas, it is Monday.

Must get back to work again in a moment, but first, here are a few photos of the past couple of weeks:

First, the hounds, meeting a new friend. 6-month-old basset, Sydney, came for a visit. And it's a good thing our campground won't let us have three dogs (and that our friends seem to plan on keeping her), because this little beauty looks just like a Gladwyn-Hesper combo, and is a lovely dog. Our girls thought she was fantastically interesting.

Next, my Motet. Here, she is the subject of a test photo on our new camera, with Geoff holding the lens about an inch from her face:

Also a new-camera test shot, using the "retro" feature:

And, lastly, a little outdoor friend who hung around for a day (hopefully not trying to find a way to make our attic its new home - been there twice already):

I Was Failing Blog Social Skills 101

2010-01-18T21:56:00.004-05:00

Ok, so, it's true. I am a blurker. And I have only recently been realizing that's not the coolest thing to be in blog-world. Because I am not a creepy or sneaky type (I don't think so anyway), I figured I was just harmlessly reading peoples' blogs, enjoying a smile here, a bit of wisdom there, maybe some common understanding, etc. Oh sure, I've posted a comment the odd time, but not on most of my regular round of blogs by far. I'm generally the type who figures that if others have already posted my thoughts on a matter, or if I have nothing brilliant to say (which is often the case - that is, not feeling brilliant), then there's no point in typing just to see myself in type...but maybe I have been missing part of the point, and am happy to try being a bit more generous in my commenting. So here goes - I am about to begin de-lurking!

I am a winner!

2010-01-13T22:59:00.004-05:00

And that's not just motivational self-talk, folks!

I am very excited, because I won a draw for a hand-made doll, to be created by a fellow blogger and Ethiopian adoptive parent-in-waiting who is getting crafty.

Winning things is super-fun, and I am a sucker for dolls and critters of all kinds, so will eagerly welcome this new little creation when s/he arrives! Can't wait :)

Hmm, on further reflection, maybe I should pay it forward and do something similar with one of my bags. I've been keeping up with a bit of knitting these days, in the evenings, but am quite serious about getting back to consistent daytime sewing once the house is back in order (which means, sadly, that I have begun de-Christmas-ing the house). Oh, and Geoff's sewing is turning out very well - will post some pictures once we have a few finished projects to display!

Lists

2010-01-13T14:39:00.003-05:00

Lists are pretty much one of my favourite things.

I even bought a book recently, Listography Journal: Your Life in Lists (by Lisa Nola and Nathaniel Russell). So very fun.

Today is a big list day. Emails are being sent as I write, and soon we will know where we sit amongst the families waiting for siblings through our agency. The agency kindly agreed to provide this information given all the upheaval around the bankruptcy and the resulting uncertainty regarding timeframes. I used various bits of incomplete information and conjecture to come up with a bit of an estimate as to how many sibling requests there might be, and where we might fall within that line...and will soon find out if there was any basis to my calculations at all!

Infectious Crafting

2010-01-09T19:50:00.003-05:00

Geoff decided he wanted to go shopping today, looking for a craft book for sewing critters of some kind. Yes, that's right. Geoff is still the only person to have used the lovely sewing machine he bought me for Christmas. I picked up a knitted critters book, and he found a sewing one. As soon as I am finished my snack break I'll get back to my knitting. I am itching to sew as well...but may have to do that while Geoff's at work, since it seems we have to share machine time. Will post some pictures once we have finished a creation or two!

An Ethiopian Christmas Gift for a Canadian Family!

2010-01-07T16:49:00.003-05:00

At least one Canadian family received a referral today, of a baby girl. This is the first we know of since the offices re-opened on Monday after the holidays. And this one makes 5 since restructuring! Again, the conservative estimate in the restructuring proposal was 5 referrals per month starting in March. A wonderful memory for this family to celebrate each Ethiopian Christmas, January 7, from now on!

Update: Seems that there have been at least a few referrals today. Wow.

Merry Christmas Ethiopia!

2010-01-07T10:45:00.003-05:00

I have discovered even more reason to keep celebrating...it is Christmas in Ethiopia today. I was pretty excited to learn this, as it means in future we can have two Christmases, complete with taking the day off, cooking up a traditional meal (or eating out at one of the Ethiopian restaurants in town), and maybe even saving a gift or two. How very exciting!!!

It's Not Over 'Til It's Over (or, We're Having a White Christmas After All)

2010-01-03T21:46:00.008-05:00

Just a friendly reminder (and cheer - hooray!) that it is still Christmas (and I continue to wish you a merry one)!

To be honest, I am always quite disappointed when people stop celebrating the Christmas season by Boxing Day. As much as I love everything to do with the season, I would personally feel it was hardly worth putting up a tree a week or two before Christmas and then taking it down within a couple of days afterward. I need the warm-up to the season, and then some wind-down time to savour everything once all the preparation is over. Besides the fact that I am absolutely unwilling to use my time off for un-decorating. Much rather sit with a new book or movie, enjoy the lights, take a snowy walk or two...all while my decorations continue to spread their cheer.

Leaving the decorations up and celebrating the season at least through New Year's seems entirely reasonable (and traditional). What is the rush? I know, I know. Some folks are back to work right after Boxing Day (or work right through it all). I do understand that, and don't want to seem unsympathetic to those in that particular situation. Although, I might respectfully suggest that working through the holiday season is as good a reason as any to leave things up a week or two longer, and meander into the new year without the pressure of having everything packed up and hidden away for another year right after opening the gifts.

At the heart of it, it's not really about the decorations (although I do enjoy seeing the odd tree or house lights twinkling away into January). Do what you must to stay sane and relaxed. The issue is more about the concept of festival, and celebration, and the trouble our fast-paced, efficient, practical (sometimes, anyway) culture seems to have in drawing a thing out, keeping it going, and observing a season, rather than just one day (because I'm not totally sure that the hectic lead-up to Christmas really lets most of us observe the season adequately, so that time period only partly counts). It makes me sad when people ask me on December 27 whether I "had" a good Christmas. I'm just settling into it by then (and usually have one or two primary family gatherings left to attend). I would rather be asked how I am enjoying my Christmas.

To really make the most of things, I plan at some point to develop some 12 days of Christmas traditions, where we mark each day of the season with something - even a small reading, or playing of a particular carol with a focus on the meaning of each symbol and event through the holidays. Today we held an Epiphany open house, to round things out. I've been wanting to do this for a while. Today was Epiphany Sunday, and the Christmas season traditionally and "officially" ends on Epiphany, January 6, which marks the coming of the wisemen and essentially completes the Christmas story.

So there is my rationale/excuse for keeping things going through the first week of January. And besides, we finally have snow, so it would be a shame to have "finished" Christmas already! Actually, we have so much snow that our sidewalk has at least 3 feet of it, which prevented street parking for our open house on the side streets (or meant folks had to walk on the highway to access our place. Thankfully, with our cars on the side streets, and the particular flow of visitors, folks were mostly able to use our driveway). Side note: we have decided, after 9 years with this long driveway and highway snow piles caused by plows, that we need a snowblower.

We may be back to work in the morning, but will be enjoying the Christmas season for a few more days, along with our lights and trees. By next weekend, or sometime the week after, we will be in the mood for putting things away (and bringing out my little snowman collection along with a few white lights to keep the winter twinkling, and ease the transition from full-blown Christmas decor). Still have a few Christmas CDs to enjoy once or twice more, too.

"Epiphany is the climax of the Advent/Christmas Season and the Twelve Days of Christmas, which are usually counted from the evening of December 25th until the morning of January 6th, which is the Twelfth Day (crivoice. org). With it the Christmas season reaches its peak with a commemoration of the arrival of the...kings with gifts for the newborn baby Jesus (theworldwidegourmet. com). [Typically] if the Epiphany does not fall on a Sunday, it is observed on the previous Sunday, which is then called Epiphany Sunday (kencollins. com)."

2009...Thanks!

2009-12-31T16:07:00.003-05:00

Thanks 2009! You have not been everything we anticipated, but you turned out ok. New dogs & babies in the family network, camping experiences, graduation, travel, renovation progress, new job, adoption agency restructuring...certainly never a dull moment.

Yesterday, we had our immediate family Christmas celebration at my sister's, complete with a visit from Santa:

Here are Geoff & I with the little ones, who humoured us with a quick aunt, uncle, & cousins photo:

And here we are with a gift from my sister, reminding us of summer camping adventures to come in the new year (and my long-term dream of being the proud owner of an actual Airstream):

So, tonight we will celebrate the remainder of 2009 with friends, and welcome 2010. I never set formal resolutions, but I am thinking in the direction of moving much further toward non-toxic eating, cleaning, and self-care, crafting, music-playing, home organization & simplifying, etc. Ok, more exercise is likely a good goal, too, perhaps along with starting a "saving for an Airstream" jar (used is just fine)...

Anyway folks, have a happy December 31, 2009! See you in 2010...